Journal Relationships

Longing for a BFF

Written by Sara Brunsvold

In childhood, finding a BFF seemed so easy. When you found someone at school who didn’t yell “cooties” and run away, you asked them to play. If they laughed at your jokes and didn’t make fun of what your mom packed you for lunch, boom. Done. You shared matching necklaces just to seal the deal.

Adulting is way more complicated. Too complicated, I tend to think. So much more is at stake. Life teaches us to be more wise in selecting friends.

But I feel like I’ve selected myself into a weird no man’s land.

Facebook is frequently filled with gushing tributes to besties. I will grin at the quippy memes of old ladies in swimsuits frolicking on the beach. But that’s as far as I can relate. I don’t join in the tagging of friends on said memes. I don’t forward them to anyone.

Because I have no BFF.

It’s a strange place to be. Amazing, beautiful women fill my life, women whom I call friend and mean every letter of the word. Women I would gladly sacrifice for. Women who pray for me, love on me, support me, encourage me, stand by me. Women I do the same for.

But when someone asks me, “Who is your best friend?” I don’t know what to say. I am not lonely for friendship yet I feel alone in a world of besties. The odd one out. The last one standing on the wall at the dance.

I don’t really have that one woman who is like family, like a sister. The one I call into the closed-door moments of my life and entrust her to take on the full weight of my burden.

I am a Monica looking for a Rachel.

I long for a gal pal whom I would not hesitate texting in the middle of the night for no other reason than to see if the latest “This Is Us” episode is keeping her up too. Someone whose burdens I shoulder with loving joy, trusting she will do the same for me when the time comes.

I long to do life with someone who knows my unscrubbed prayer request and loves me anyway. Someone who knows my real weight.

I long for someone in whose presence I can simply, finally, thoroughly exhale, no pretensions. No makeup, even. Someone who is equally comfortable around me.

I have so much I am longing to share, in a meaningful, fruitful relationship that goes deeper than an interaction on Facebook or the occasional coffee date.

Meaning that only comes with investment in each other, and a whole lot of unflinching grace. Something they write books about. Maybe something I would write a book about.

If only I could find her.

I’m tempted to believe somewhere along the way I did in fact develop cooties. Or maybe I still need to learn to be a better friend. Or maybe I’m a great friend but have bad timing and everyone already has a BFF.

I’m tempted to tell myself to get used to living BFF-less. After all, it is possible to live without a BFF. But I can’t let go of the notion I have something great waiting for me. Because I can’t let go of the hope God designed human relationships to gravitate toward depth.

As he paired David with Jonathan, so too do I believe he will pair me with my adult BFF. I remain hopeful he will bring us together, at the appointed time, in a predetermined place, for a preconceived purpose.

Yes, she is out there somewhere.

Maybe just around the bend.

About the author

Sara Brunsvold

Sara Brunsvold is a Kansas City-based blogger and writer. Her heart’s cry is to be a stronger, wiser woman who leans into the loveliness God every moment of every day. She is a family woman who struggles to be a good one, but who never loses faith God is with her every step. Visit Sara at her blog home, SaraBrunsvold.com, https://sarabrunsvold.com/and learn more about her journey in faith and womanhood.

24 Comments

  • Love this as it perfectly sums up my position as well. Perhaps there really are more of us, ‘the best friend-less’, then we realize? Maybe all the memes and friend ideals paint a picture that isn’t the actual adult norm? Here’s to hoping that our tribes, whatever they may look like, someday soon arrive 🙂

      • I feel this way a lot too! Even those I consider my “better friends” would still give someone else as their best friend. It is fine, but it can be a bit lonely sometimes. I always thought it was just me! Thanks for writing.

    • I agree with this too! Perhaps, too, is the pressure to have a BFF when everyone else seems to have one, too. I don’t have one, but I feel like this allows me to connect in different ways with a lot of different people, and I get enjoyment about all those other rich friendships!

  • I think I’ve changed my views of friendship as I’ve aged. The older I get, the less I expect of a BFF. But I’m so grateful for friends who have walked through lots of life with me. Having experiences together, both good and bad, have made us so much more real with each other. I’m not sure I’d call any of these ladies a BFF, but I’d call each one of them vital to my mental health!

  • Yes He will. I too went through a “dry spell” after my BFF moved to another state. I told God, He knew the desire of my heart and though I was not lonely for friends I was lonely for that soul mate friend. I’m happy to report that although she didn’t come in my timing, I’m thrilled she’s finally here!

  • Finding a best friend as an adult is DEF hard….. I feel like we are so careful to get close to other woman 🙁 I have had my friends for years….. I can’t ever seem to find more. Which does make me sad considering we all live in different states… so it can get lonely where I live without them

  • I seriously could have written this! This is exactly where I’ve been and for awhile. I don’t think I’m coming out of this season anytime soon, though. Right now with 2 toddlers and a 3rd on the way, I just don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship. But I know that when I do come out of this season of exhaustion, God will have the perfect BFF waiting for me.

    • Seasons do play a big part in friendships. Until then Jesus makes a fantastic best friend. Praying for you and your growing family!

  • I can so relate to this! I think this longing is so much more common than we realize because no one’s post about this side on Facebook. Many of us understand exactly where you’re coming from. Here’s to cultivating deeper friendships!

  • I am very lucky to have a couple of besties, but they are newer relationships that I’ve had to really work to find and cultivate. Even with that, I think that some of us are meant to walk somewhat alone. And that is okay, too.

  • Your post made me smile. When we are younger BFFS are everything. Relationships are so complicated, whether romantic or not. I always equate finding new friends to dating. Good luck!

    • They often do, and I am still friends with my childhood best friend, but because of the distance between us and our different paths, we are not nearly as close as we once were.

  • Consider for a moment broadening your view of who a potential BFF might be. Traditionally a BFF is the same gender, but if we limit the possibilities to only our gender, the pool of potential BFF’s is reduced. Opposite sex BFF’s is somewhat rare, but it is possible.
    A BFF of the opposite sex does have some significant challenges, especially if there are spouses to consider, but it can be done with open and good communications.

    • Good point. I do know of BFFs who are opposite gender, but I agree with you that opposite-gender friends can present challenges for marriages. I personally would not feel comfortable having a male best friend outside my marriage…unless of course we are talking about couple BFFs, as in both my husband and I are best friends with another couple.

  • I’m so glad I saw your post. This is exactly where I’ve been for a while. All my childhood friends and I have grown apart, and every time I get close to someone, they either move or some other unexpected life event happens and we’re suddenly not as close as we once were. It’s a little reassuring that I’m not the only one going through this. But Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and I know he will bring each of us that sister/friend in His time. Thank you for sharing, and I pray you find your BFF!