Grief Journal Relationships

Stop Being a Butthole Wife

Stop Being a Butthole Wife www.herviewfromhome.com

Stop being a butthole wife.  No, I’m serious.  End it. 

Let’s start with the laundry angst.  I get it, the guy can’t find the hamper.  It’s maddening.  It’s insanity.  Why, why, must he leave piles of clothes scattered, the same way that the toddler does, right?  I mean, grow up and help out around here, man.  There is no laundry fairy.

What if that pile of laundry is a gift in disguise from a God you can’t (yet) see?  Don’t roll your eyes, hear me out on this one.

I was a butthole wife.  Until my husband died.

The day my husband left earth for heaven, all of my marriage problems vanished.  There was no one to fuss at, negotiate with, or play possum at bedtime (you know, when you pretend you’re asleep to bypass sex). 

Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people.  It’s supposed to be beautifully harmonious and intimate.  How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating.  I wanted a perfect husband who acted how I wanted, and if that didn’t happen, well, butthole wife was in full effect.  If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be.  I needed to instruct him, question him, and remind him of his shortcomings.  After all, I was his “helpmate.”

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The reality is, I wasn’t helping him or our marriage.   By pointing out each fault, I was poisoning the relationship.  Oh, it was still a good marriage and we deeply loved each other, but it was not what it could have been.  And now it was too late.

Days after his funeral, I stared at our dirty clothes basket that sat atop our dryer, knowing his clothes were inside.  I sighed so deeply.   Before me was the last load of laundry I would ever wash for that sweet man.  There would be no more dirty socks to pick up around the house.   Ever.

A week before I would have rolled my eyes at that basket.  But now, it held priceless treasures.  I waited weeks to wash those clothes.  My heart ached for dirty socks to once more be a part of my days.

Those messes dotted around the house are reminders of God’s gifts to us.   Like Jesus, we have the opportunity to demonstrate love by serving those we live with.  And the last time I checked, not a single person is perfect.   How many times had my husband kept quiet, listened, and endured?  He shared no list of ways that I needed refinement.  He simply loved me.

Those clothes were painfully cleaned and boxed away or donated.  The tears countless.

And God, the Lover of my soul, in His infinite mercy, later gave me a special gift.  He has allowed me to love again, to wear a second wedding dress, and to be a better wife.  I married a wonderful man.  I am still a butthole wife, but I am working on edifying the man who provides for my sons and me.  I now strive to hug more and nag less.  My goal is to make him feel respected, important, valued.  I want to live love.

laundry

Recently, I walked into the master bedroom and I stopped, nearly bursting into tears.  I saw a pile of dirty clothes that my new husband had abandoned on the floor.  As I stared at the pile, I smiled.  I knew he had hurried to change out of work clothes into comfy clothes so he could spend time with his new family.  He had chosen what is more important.  I happily scooped the treasures into my arms and carried them to the washing machine. 

I get to do this!  I get to serve!  I get to live with a wonderful man who ditches laundry for people. 

“Let us not become weary in doing good.” Galatians 6:9

Read more from Debbie on her blogs at:  www.projectmomsanity.comwww.debbiewilkinsbaisden.com and www.fitwithdeb.com

You may also like:  Yes, I Am Proud To Serve My Husband

The First Ten Years:  How Two Broken People Kept Their Marriage From Breaking

My Husband Does Not Babysit

Sex – What We Aren’t Bringing To The Table

Stop Being a Butthole Wife   www.herviewfromhome.com

About the author

Debbie Wilkins Baisden

Debbie is a mom to 4 boys (Paul, Brad, Andrew, and Joshua, or “PBAndJ” for short). Unexpectedly widowed in 2012, Debbie’s world was turned upside down. Clinging to God, her stay-at-home mom days in suburbia now demanded a paying job. Instead of returning to the classroom, she decided that Chapter 2 of life meant pursuing her passion of all things fitness and nutrition. She enjoys helping women look and feel their best. Debbie remarried in 2014 and lives in North Carolina.

752 Comments

  • As a young widow that has now also remarried, I LOVE this! I “preach” this message all of the time on my blog. The Lord convicted me to stop being a butthole before my husband died, and that is a gift that I will forever be thankful for!!!!!! It’s a daily choice to be thankful for the mess because it is an indication that your loved ones are still healthy and able to make the mess!!!!!!!!!! Sharing this for sure!!!!!

  • As a newly married wife a few years ago, we had 3 women in our church community lose their husbands. One in particular stood out to me as she was very open about her grieving process. She stated many times how much she missed his dirty socks and piles of laundry. During this first year of marriage for me, it was a life saver, because I wasn’t used to living with this beautiful mess of a husband, and I was drowning in my own weaknesses and shortcomings, as well as his. But oh, how I learned to love my sweet man who works countless hours to take care of our family, who has the dirtiest work boots that leave prints all through the house, and his laundry smells like sweat and his sweet smell. While I still get caught up in the endless laundry and other silly things, I’m always infinitely grateful for the reminder to cherish this man who holds my whole heart. Thank you for you words.

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  • Thank you for writing this. I am going through the after-guilt that come after a bout of ‘butt hole’ wife. This was timely for me and brought tears to my eyes. I have grieved parents, but not my husband. My prayers go out to you and thank you for these real words that resonate with me.

  • Thank you for sharing this. I’m getting married in October and I cannot wait to be my Fiance’s wife. I’ve always had a lot of issues with anxiety and a fear of losing my loved ones to anything but old age. I’ve been trying to adopt this mindset more and more the closer we get to our big day. We don’t get a set amount of time to spend with our loved ones, and I really don’t want to take away good days by getting myself worked up over little things, because one day I may crave to have those things back. I, and I’m sure many other women, needed this. I’m definitely saving it and sharing it. God bless.

  • Picking up after someone who is supposed to be your partner and helpmate is not “serving”, it’s enabling his thoughtless behavior. You will never find my husband’s clothes on the floor, dishes left about or messes made by him around. Why? Because he has respect for the amount of housework there is to do. I don’t leave crap in the cars or yard because I respect that he puts honest effort into maintaining them. For you to address me or anyone else as “butthole”, is nasty. It would have taken your new man-child all of 15 seconds to show some respect and appreciation for you by picking up after himself.
    You think too little of yourself if you think that the right thing for him to do is leave work for you. You share that home and he is teaching your sons how to behave. If that is the message of your religion, keep it. I would far rather have a respectful agnostic husband who is considerate and able to identify with what I do.

    • Good lord, I thought exactly the same thing. What the hell is this subservient hoopla!? I am not going to raise young men to think that some woman is just going to work 40 hours a week, cook your dinners and clean your house. Men need to be men, not children. And seriously, on an aside here, the last thing I would want if my partner died would be to come back to an empty house and cry in front of a pile of his socks. I can’t even imagine how much pain and loss would come from one stupid, dirty sock in my living room! No thank you. Jeeze.

      • Where’s your compassion? Do you really have to act like horrible human beings? My hubby is pretty good at picking up after himself but I still find myself nagging if he doesn’t do everything to MY liking. That’s selfish. It’s nice to just open your eyes and be grateful for the little things. I don’t by any means think she was referring that her husband was a complete slob and didn’t do ANYTHING. I feel like you guys are missing the true message here.

      • I appreciate the little things that my man does for me all the time. He does a lot for me. I am not without compassion, thank you very much. Do you think it’s wrong to expect my husband to act like a responsible adult and teach my son decent living skills? This girl thinks she has no right to say, “We both live here and with two boys, I think you should extend more effort into setting a fine example, please”. It isn’t about compassion. It’s about being treated like a fellow human being in stead of a servant.

      • “to act like a responsible adult ” he already does that by supporting you and working and paying all the bills.

      • She did say “act like”, which you are. I’m sure you can be better than this, but it’s not really showing today.

      • I am acting like a horrible human being because I don’t want to be subservient to my hubby? That one is funny. He is perfectly capable of hitting the laundry basket with his dirty socks. But then again, I don’t nag him about it. If he has to bend over to pick up all HIS clothes when he wants to do HIS laundry, fine with me.

      • Your comments, Shana, your comments are full of hate. Subservient? Seriously, SJW’s grab buzz words and just don’t let go. His is his, and yours is yours, got it… but that does not make a marriage, that is roommates.

      • And one spouse having to consistently do all of the cleaning up behind the other spouse isn’t marriage either. It’s indentured servitude.

      • You do not know what indentured servitude is, nor do you understand marriage.

        I find it funny that a kind article like this one has incurred the wrath of you SJW feminist types who want to destroy traditional marriage, or at least condemn those who like it and try to live through Christ.

      • So a wife (who may also have to work full-time) who expects her husband to help out by picking up after himself somehow wants “to destroy traditional marriage”? That makes us “wrathful SJW feminists” who don’t understand marriage? Honey, let me assure you…I understand what it’s like to be a stay-at-home wife who did literally ALL the housework, and I understand what it’s like to work full-time while STILL having to do a good portion of it. Asking my husband to share the load by picking up after himself doesn’t mean I am not striving to live a Christ-like life; it means that I expect my adult marriage partner to be an adult.

      • Uh, not sure how much you read, but my point is to all the haters, if you’re in that category, then so be it.

      • Is it also indentured servitude when the husband brings in all of the money and the wife isn’t pulling her weight?

      • Well then it’s indentured servitude, right? Because the only bad situation is the one where the woman is pulling her weight. But what if it’s the husband?

      • Except that it’s much more common than sanctimonious, self-righteous folks want to believe (or want to talk about). And those same self-righteous folks are the ones shaming the husband who (through no fault of his own) is currently unable to financially provide for his family, and calling him ungodly because he hasn’t found a job, and accusing the family of not having enough faith because the wife went back to work full time, rather than trusting God to provide (even though the couple has prayed about it and believe that God IS providing through the wife’s job, and that this is simply a season of growth).

      • You mean like the man going to work everyday while the wife sits at home on the couch reading “50 Shades of Grey” and watching “The View” while eating herself into oblivion wearing her pajamas???…….you’re talking about that kind of “Indentured servitude” right??….

      • I don’t know too many SAHMs that fit that description. Most (including myself when I was at home) work as hard, if not harder, than someone in a 40 hour a week job outside the home. But then, I’m sure a few of the “men” on this page just ASSume that the house magically cleans itself, the food magically makes its way from the grocery store into the house, then whips itself into a meal, at which point the dishes magically get washed and put away, the children (who magically appeared, fully trained) are magically taken care of, the laundry magically does itself and puts itself away, the bills have magically been paid, appointments are magically made, all while the wife “sits at home on the couch reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and watching ‘The View’ while eating herself into oblivion wearing her pajamas”. I’m not sure what kind of woman you chose to marry, but if that’s an accurate description of her, I would question your judgment in every area.

      • Couldn’t one of the little things you appreciate be the little effort it takes your husband to put his dirty clothes in the hamper?

        And what’s with this word nagging? When a woman asks for what she needs (which, in this case seems for the husband to be more of a partner and put HIS laundry in the hamper) that’s called teamwork, not nagging.

        The word nagging needs to go, unless it’s used (when it applies) to BOTH genders. I don’t like the word in general. But if it’s going to be used, I’d like to point out that men and women both nag.

      • No, he’s right about a lot of things. However, as we have a great relationship and are open, honest and respectful with each other, we are able to discuss our differences like rational adults. He respects me enough to ask for my advice and opinions, and not lord over me, and I respect him enough to allow him to make the final decision if we’re in disagreement over an issue.

      • I love my wife and kids more than anything, and I’ll do anything for them. There’s no way I’d ever get married these days though. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to tell my boys about the wife and kids routine because as bad as society is now, we can’t even imagine what it’s going to look like in another 10 years of feminization.

      • I tell them the truth. I have a 21 year old and I have told him unequivocally that if he wants to be separated from his kids and get to “visit” them like I did with him, go ahead and get married. Otherwise, cut your nuts and forget about the whole damn thing….none of them are worth it anymore. The risks are entirely TOO HIGH compared to the benefits for men in marriage today. #MGTOW

      • Again, you’re not wrong. I get a LOT of joy from my kids though. I want that joy to be available to my boys, but I know it’s really not possible these days. I keep hoping that it’ll change, knowing it won’t change fast enough for them to make it worth them taking those massive risks on today’s women.

    • So, you and your husband are flawless? Congratulations! You are the only two. The rest of us have flaws, that’s what this article is about, it’s not about laundry, or dirty socks or messes. It’s about embracing each others flaws. It’s about two imperfect people learning to not pick at each other until the foundation of your marriage is completely gone.

      • When did I say that? I don’t recall indulging in hyperbole. I said we don’t make extra work for each other and he is teaching her boys through example.
        If she wants to live a subserviant life and be less than equal to him, that is her right. But I feel she is wrong for calling women buttholes for expecting their husbands to adult up.

      • WOW. They “adult up” by paying all the bills and supporting you. You are the one who is actually in need of an “adult up”

      • But if someone says something bothers them–laundry on the floor–how is it okay to keep doing it? It isn’t even something difficult. This is absurd and you should expect better ladies (and gents).

      • Why is the onus on the person that’s “bothering”? I think the point of the article is the opposite – was this something worth allowing it to bother her and consequently the nature of their relationship? Her answer was clear: it was not.

      • If someone tells you that something you are doing is annoying/frustrating/causing more work, then what does it say about you if you knowingly continue that behavior? Granted, in the grand scheme of things, dirty underwear aren’t that big a deal, but if it’s not that big a deal, why not make their life a little more pleasant, if it’s within your ability?

      • There are two sides and two behaviors. Her insistence that the laundry not be left on the floor is also an action – and apparently an action that frustrated/annoyed/bothered him. So why should she continue that behavior? Which one is right? In this blog, you read the author’s verdict – she was wrong for being so insistent with only her selfish preference for laundry procedures in mind.

      • “Selfish preference for laundry procedures”? It’s selfish to expect a grown man to pick up after himself? Would it be selfish of my husband to expect me to actually throw my trash in the can, and not leave it on the floor next to the can? Again, it’s just common courtesy, not selfish preference. It’s what I’m teaching my child, so his future wife won’t be expected to do it for him.

      • Again – imagine that someone might run their house a little different than yours. My family does not even have a hamper to speak of, and no room for clothes in the laundry closet – we leave our clothes in our respective rooms and do a laundry round up later every evening. The author here doesn’t say anything to indicate he would leave it there for days on end, or that he flat-out refused to help with laundry, or that he did this every single time he changed clothing. As for trash, the analogy doesn’t connect for me. Different from laundry, I know of no one that puts their trash anywhere but the trash can. I would imagine there is a greater variety of laundry practices than trash practices. A better analogy for me would be dishes – some families have individuals wash their own dishes as they use them, others might take turns doing them as soon as supper is over, and still others might pile them in the sink and do them later.

        Still seems the message of this article is being written off by many in bitterness for housekeeping woes, which is a shame.

      • If your son has his head on straight, he won’t take a wife…..Feminazis like you prove that marriage isn’t what God made it to be anymore….the risks of marrying broads like you is way way way higher than the benefit.

        I commonly pick up after my wife and wash her clothes….I never complain about it, I just do it. I don’t think my wife is selfish for not picking up her clothes to put them in the hamper, which is on her side of the bed mind you.

      • You can say this in either direction, and then the author’s case, she happens to be saying it in the opposite direction that you are. You’re actually saying the same thing, but she is acknowledging that her insistence on her laundry preference’s was the frustrating behavior, not his.

      • How is asking someone to put their dirty socks in the hamper instead of leaving them on the floor a “laundry preference”? Isn’t it just common courtesy?

      • I understand that some people might find it acceptable to leave dirty underwear lying around; if that’s how they choose to live, that’s fine for them. However, if it’s something that bothers one spouse, it’s common courtesy for the other spouse to at least make an attempt to not continue the annoying behavior.

      • Again, what makes that the only side that ought to be accommodated? What if being the ‘laundry police’ attitude bothers the other spouse? Why is it only “common courtesy” to tighten the rules instead of loosen them?

      • When I was growing up, I was expected to clean up after myself. When I had roommates, we all did our part to ensure the apartment was clean (at least in the common areas). Why? Because it’s lazy and disrespectful to expect others to pick up your messes, especially when the mess affects them negatively. I was taught as a child to clean up after myself, and I’m teaching my child to do the same. I was taught to respect other people, and I’m teaching my child to do the same. I was taught common courtesy (which is apparently not so common anymore), and I’m teaching my child the same.When one spouse lovingly voices a concern, whether it’s having to pick up dirty underwear, or not wanting to be teased about certain insecurities, it is disrespectful to continue the behavior if it’s within your power to avoid it.

      • I do not understand villifying a difference in opinion on laundry habits, acceptinf these are not extreme circumstances. What affects the spouse negatively about the picture above, a shirt, shorts, and shoes left at the end of a bed? They are not in the middle of the kitchen floor; they are not in the floor of the front door – they are at the foot of the bed in the bedroom of the clothes’ owner. They are not visibly soiled with mud or drenched with the sweat of an intense workout. I also do not see the implicit expectation for anyone else to clean it up necessarily; apparently it’s just that they weren’t cleaned up as quickly as the other would have liked, which leaves the question: why must the stricter expectations be given priority over the looser expectations? Run your house as you like, but it’s always going to bewilder you to project those expectations on everyone else as if there is a strictly right or wrong way to handle it. I have never had a problem picking up here and there after the people in my family. If they get home first or have less to do, they handle it. I hear the message of this article loud and clear, and wholeheartedly support it.

      • So, you do absolutely everything the way your spouse wants it done? You have no disagreements? You do absolutely nothing that gets on your spouses nerves? And your spouse is equally as cooperative in doing everything the way you want it? Amazing, apparently, there are a lot more perfect couples than I realized.

      • Tamla loves that hyperbole—absolutely everything, exactly, perfect, nothing–Again, she never said she was part of a perfect couple. Never used the words “exactly”, “nothing”, “everything”. What is your real opinion when you aren’t putting words in other’s mouths? I can just imagine the melodrama at your place.

    • Lol, I took the time to read your post, and totally get it now. Try and stay positive, and one day you may see God’s light 🙂

      • Been there, done that. I don’t like being called and teaching children that they are irrevocably flawed. I would rather and have children love all the beauty and joy the world has to offer without all the indoctrination.

    • Thank you!!! I’m not a “butthole” because I want respect for my self and my household. Women shouldn’t feel guilty about expecting teamwork in a relationship.

      • Exactly!!! my husband will do the dishes he has admitted he wasn’t raised to clean his mom always did it but he is learning now I’ll give him a chore list and I’ll do half he does half he said he never realized how much I do and appreciates it teamwork is important

      • The teamwork part comes in when…you know, that part when the husband goes to a job everyday, and pays all the bills….yeah you know that part?

      • Most women have to work too. My husband and I both work 40 hours a week, and split 50/50 on everything. So yeah, I do expect him to help around the house as well.

      • You can thank globalism for the fact you both have to work. Americans used to be able to support a family on 1 income easily.

      • Not every wife stays home, and not every husband goes to a job every day. Is that the idea, sure. However, in today’s economy, that’s not necessarily everyone’s reality. Would you be okay with the wife leaving dirty clothes/dishes/messes all over the house, simply because she “pays all the bills”? What if both spouses must work full time? Should the wife still be the main housekeeper?

      • WHAT?! Lol, if she paid all the bills, and I got to live in the house for free, have spending money and all other expenses paid, I would GLADLY clean all the clothes/dishes/messes if I was home all day.

      • I sincerely hope that you don’t ever experience the job loss that we went through, which led to me working full-time and my husband being a stay-at-home dad; however, it would certainly be enlightening for someone like you.

    • My husband worked not 40 hrs a week, but often 50 or 60 to take care of us. The least I could do was to help him keep his stuff together at home. He respected who I am and I respected who he was. Some people are detail folks and some are visionaries and do not see the details. Should not love overlook the sometimes unpleasant differences?

    • One of my former coworkers shared this article and I was curious as to what the author meant by being a “butthole wife”. In my relationship my wife has the more stable job and I work contract jobs that can sometimes go months without steady employment so I often fill the role of house husband. Like you, I walked away from this pretty annoyed by the generalization. My wife has a terrible tendency to just toss her clothes and trash around, leaving it for me to deal with. And forget getting her to ever put a dirty dish in the sink or dishwasher.

      Here’s a prime recent example: She cut her hand and has been putting bandages on it. Instead of throwing away the old bandage when she changes it, she just leaves the old one on the floor for me to pick up and throw away.

      Attempts to talk (NOT yell OR lecture, just talk) to her about these behaviors are met with eye rolls. I find her behavior, her expectation that I do everything while she can’t even be bothered to do things a 10 year old knows to do, incredibly disrespectful. I guess that makes me a “butthole husband” according to the author.

      • I agree with you; that behavior seems extremely disrespectful toward you and the household in general. Barring any physical limitations, all children past somewhere early elementary school age and all adults ought to be perfectly capable of discarding bandages, putting their dishes at least in the sink, and making sure that clothes find a way into the hamper.

        I was also disappointed in the author’s stereotyping (i.e. that only women clean and only men are slobs).

      • The real problem is that she views you as useless. In every woman’s view, you should be providing everything while she is free to take care of the kids and house or work outside the house at her discretion. If you’re not employed, then you have no value, and she’s communicating that through her actions. It just is what it is. This will probably cause a feminist melt down, but the truth often does that.

      • “In every woman’s view”? Perhaps in your limited view. My husband has been unemployed off and on (due to the recession) for 7 years. While I was blessed to only work part-time before he lost his high-tech job, I went back to work full-time and have continued to work full-time while he has worked contract, temp and part-time jobs. I have tremendous respect for him; I don’t view him as useless at all. He has been a caregiver to our son, and has managed our household to the best of his ability (he and I agree that it works better when I’m at home), and I appreciate all he does, in whatever capacity God has placed him.

      • Disagree, in TODAY’S Feminist America even if you are an employed male you have no value. Take a look at the Father’s Rights Movement …..you’ll see story after story of women who have decided they want a divorce and the father of their children is nothing more than a walking ATM machine. They slide their ATM card down the crack of his ass and he shits the money out. They don’t get to see their kids….they don’t get to talk to their kids…..but they sure pay.

      • I’m married with kids, and my wife exhibits some of these “modern” tendencies, but she’s also reasonable (sometimes) and can understand my point of view when she wants to. I see things for what they are. You’re not entirely wrong, but I think my wife places at least a little bit of value on me as a human being. It’s not usually much, but I catch glimpses of it sometimes. Once a divorce happens, a guy is nothing but an ATM. However, it’s the decision to initiate the divorce (or not) where a wife decides whether the husband has any value as a human being. I’m still married, so I must have a little (or she just hasn’t found a better option).

      • dude, bro, you need to suck it the F up. She’s paying the bills. If my wife worked and I stayed home, you’re damn right I’d pick up after her, do the laundry and dishes and cook and clean.

    • If my wife worked and paid all the bills, and I stayed home, you’re damn right the laundry, cleaning and cooking would be done when she got home.

  • In the hustle and bustle world, it’s easy to let the little things get on my nerves, especially when I feel stretched beyond my own resources. I have learned, though, to reel myself in when faced with minor irritants. I tell myself that, if picking up dirty clothes shed a few feet from the hamper, throwing out an empty can left on the counter above the garbage can, or other small issues are all I have to gripe about, life is pretty damned good.

  • Yes…and No. I totally get the missing someone who has passed away, but in life, that stuff is disrespectful. Just because a person is male does not give him the right to act like a selfish child forever. I disagree. We’re their WIVES…not their MOTHERS. :/

    • I would… make the effort to avoid the judgement. If a man is acting like himself, it doesn’t mean he’s disrespectful, selfish, childish, quite the reverse- you’ve decided a set of actions are important and want him to change himself to match your expectations.

      From my perspective as a bachelor, I do all sorts of things that
      most women would find disgusting, because I don’t particularly care- it doesn’t hurt anyone if the place is a mess. I just don’t find it at all important. If you do, that’s on you.

      Rather than browbeating him about how awful it is that he doesn’t think certain behaviors are important, it would behoove you to recognize it’s simply how he is, and you’d appreciate if he did more- then asked him to do so and rewarded it when he succeeded to train him into it.

      Because as you said, your his wife- as in his partner- not his mother, to dictate and control his character.

      • Spoken like a bachelor. If you live alone, then you are of course free to care or not care for your surroundings as you see fit. But in marriage, your spaces are shared, and it’s selfish to expect your partner to just tolerate *your* messes. You may or may not understand if you ever marry.

      • I agree with him and I’m married. I always throw my clothes around my husband never does but if he did I would not care. If you’re not someone’s parent, why are you being so nitpicky?? No one should have to feel like their every move is monitored and under your scrutiny, how can you ever be comfortable that way? I want my husband to be comfortable living however he wants to. He’s not messy at all, but if he doesn’t shower, that’s his business. As a housewife, I do have to clean but on the days where the hours slip through my hands I don’t fear him coming home. That would totally suck to be parented by a spouse, that’s disrespectful.

      • Do you not see yourself as selfish in demanding that they act or do a certain thing the way you want? You are correct in Marriage space is shared, but it is not up to you alone to say how that space is shared.

      • Not respecting your spouse that takes care of the majority of the shared space is selfish. If you have to be asked multiple times to do something simple, then that’s just a lack of respect.

      • If I am the one in charge of doing the cleaning, I do get to set the parameters more than the person I’m doing the cleaning for. Otherwise I’m just the help, whixh is obviously demeaning.

      • You’re in charge of setting parameters for her involvement in interfering with your ability to work to make the money. I’m assuming you’re an attorney. I don’t imagine she comes to your office and fiddles with your briefcase and files that you’ve organized. I don’t imagine she leaves piles of books on your desk chair. I don’t imagine she leaves her makeup all across your work area. You get to go to work and do your job. If cleaning is a job that she’s agreed to do, you need to respect it as important and you need to at least attempt to not make more work for her.

      • So I’m not allowed to ever clean anything? Your logic is incredibly tortured because it’s outcome driven.

      • Where exactly did I say that? You are being deliberately obtuse, possibly because the idea that a grown man should pick up after himself is something you’re not interested in entertaining. Judging from your other comments on other posts, you seem to forget that most women have at some point worked at a job and supported themselves to some extent. They know the work that goes into a daily job. Most men do *not* know what it is like to be in charge of a house where other people live and constantly seem to be working at cross purposes to you. While it might be loving for me to clean up my husband’s shaving scum and get the pee off the floor when he “missed”, it’s kind of degrading to be expected to do those things as a matter of course.

      • If you could re-read what you just wrote from an impartial point of view, the self centered-ness and sexism would astound you.

      • If you could re-read anything you’ve written, from an impartial point of view, the self-centeredness and sexism would astound you. However, as I sincerely doubt you’re able to see anything from a point of view outside your narrow-minded, misogynistic perspective, you’ll never be enlightened as to how much of an a$$ you really are.

      • I also imagine it’s likely that you have generally agreed upon rules about how money is handled that you are both expected to follow. “Not leaving your socks on the floor”=”keep lunch to $15 daily”.

      • actually, Daniel didn’t say “tolerate”; he said, “ask, don’t nag”. that’s reasonable.

      • I understand different people have different expectations, and these should be dealt with through open and non-judgemental communication to address them, rather than assuming your spouse shares the same views or even knows what they are.

        I’ve known a few too many women who’ve gotten upset with me over things I legitimately had no idea was a problem or why it would be, because they came to the conclusion I knew and was doing things on purpose that they’d never explained they didn’t like. Or ignored the possibility of accidents, or misunderstandings.

        And while you think it selfish to expect a partner to tolerate a mess, I’d have no problem tolerating a partner’s mess myself, and rather think it selfish that you couldn’t. But if I had a partner who would prefer I keep things clean I would be willing to try to do so if it would make her happy.

      • So instead of treating him like an intelligent human being with empathy and cognizance by expressing concerns, instead dog-train him by rewarding him a treat when he remembers on his own to do a task? Really?

      • Yes, really. Women have this huge emotional construct around everything. Men don’t. We never will. We will never care. Give me something positive, and I’ll do something positive. It REALLY is that simple. You may not want it to be, but it is. And we’re happy about it. Really.

      • See, when you phrase it this way, it’s a more cohesive concept. The OP pretty much says to let them do what they want, but then train them like an animal, essentially disregarding their intellectual self while pandering to their base interests and not tell them what you’re doing. That’s essentially manipulation, and to be honest, hints at what men have done to women for years, which is assume they aren’t smart enough to follow direction or stable enough to take criticism.

        What you say in this reply, however, is actually a common concept of using positive reinforcement instead of negative displacement, where instead of complaining about the behaviors you don’t like, you compliment the ones you do. “Thanks for making dinner…it was a big help” instead of “Why don’t you ever make dinner?”, that sort of thing. That’s not “training”, that’s communication without accusation, and actually does work well. So in my opinion, the issue here isn’t that this theory is invalid, just that it’s poorly expressed.

      • I really wasn’t saying let them do what they want, so much as come at it without the attitude of judgement, and with the assumption that most of the things that you think they’re doing to spite or disrespect you are most likely just them acting the way they normally do. Or in some cases, acting better than they normally would, but not enough to meet your standards.

        In that, by all means, tell them what you’d like, and tell them how it makes you feel when things happen, but don’t project your feelings as character judgements on them but an acknowledgement of your own feelings and desires- things you want them to change about themselves that they don’t likely know or care about- and like mentioned, incentivize it with positive reinforcement when they do change their behavior and try to please you.

      • When he remembers on his own to do a task you want him to do that he would not normally do for himself- yes.

        In that what you are doing is recognizing and rewarding the effort he makes to please you, as it will encourage him to do so more by letting him know that his effort is appreciated. In place of only offering criticism when he does not meet your expectations, which will instead make it clear you cannot be pleased, reducing his incentive to bother trying.

        Because part of treating him like an intelligent human being with empathy and cognizance is recognizing that he has his own priorities and feelings, and chastising and criticizing him like a child for thinking and behaving differently than you think he should will make him feel stupid, unappreciated, and unimportant.

        In this remember that you are the one who wants him to change his behavior. He would likely be entirely fine with leaving it as it is.

    • I have 10 kids and except for the very littlest ones, I don’t pick up their laundry, they pick it up themselves. I get to share a room with my best friend and I don’t mind picking up his laundry if it misses the basket!!

      • Maybe, maybe not. I have no idea what Anita’s life circumstances are from a single post. I just don’t brag about picking up my spouse’s dirty laundry, nor do I expect her to pick up mine!

      • my hubby is the neater one. if his clothes are on the ground, I know it’s because he threw them at the hamper & missed. I have no problem picking them up. my husband has no issues ckeaning, but he spends long hours at work, all the mess is created by the kids and me. so I do most of the work at home, the the kids have been/ are being trained by dad to take over more of the chores from me. this isn’t abuse or disrespect, just logistics. there’s no shame in serving, esp. if you’re also being served.

    • I totally agree! I’m a christian woman not his mother and to serve him means to be his equal not his maid. We have had the same conversation and I think it means more to serve your husband when you come together and work together as a team. We have had conversations about household chores because its both our house! How about an article to men that says stop being a butt hole husband. Why do we direct this to wives?? Teamwork!

      • It is directed to wives as this is a blog – not a church sermon – kept by a wife and mother wanting to share her own experiences and what worked for her as she strives to be more like Christ. You could easily draw parallel metaphors for males, or other roles even beyond a marriage like ministry, platonic relationships, careers, etc.

      • Amen. In many relationships, it seems, we don’t do what’s most important for the relationship because it’s more important to us to “be right”. It’s about overlooking each others’ faults (we ALL have them) for the sake of the relationship and finding ways to use them to serve instead of to correct (or nag). Maybe you have to lose your spouse suddenly to truly get what she’s saying here (because I am seeing a lot of very defensive responses).

      • Because 95% of Christian articles written about instructions on a godly marriage are written from the woman’s perspective. Most sermons on marriage regarding Ephesians 6 are generally aimed at men “loving their wife as Christ loved the Church” and “women submitting to their husbands” if mentioned is done quickly and in a very general sense. Agreed, in the end it’s teamwork, but most admonitions today regarding marriage is generally focused on the husband’s responsibilities and part of that is because political correctness has in this case found a voice in the Church.

      • Yes, it seems as though in the end you may be serving your husband more by helping him grow as a person who will work as a team with his wife to conquer household chores than endlessly functioning as a maid. My husband used to take ALL my clothes out of the dryer and leave them in a ball to wrinkle. I taught him to please fold my clothes as neatly as I fold his so we could have reciprocal laundry respect. He has learned and grown and so I have because I spoke up instead of putting up.

      • In that case, she’d use those words.

        No, she’s not simply “asking him to fold or lay out the clothes so they don’t wrinkle so work doesn’t have to be redone if he bothers to take them out of the dryer” – she’s teaching him. ” I taught him to ”

        And he’s “grown as a person” – not simply respected her boundaries and time by not making her do rework.

        It’s actually pretty insidious because on the surface it SOUNDS reasonable – “I JUST don’t want to re-dry my clothes after he takes them out and doesn’t fold them” is indeed reasonable – but the condescension in the word choice, that he’s someone to be trained, guided, and grown under her tutelage, no hint that she could consider the same, is there.

      • This retort means nothing. Telling someone “you’re wrong” is the substantive equivalent to a toddler tantrum.

      • Pointing out a flaw in your argumentation; consider it benevolent assistance so you can do better next time. I’m guessing you’re not really a doctor, of torches or anything else.

        PS don’t take this too seriously. I’m messing with you. Although you do need to chill on the anti-women rhetoric.

      • Toxic feminism = wanting your husband to pick up his socks? I think there’s a fine line between asking a man to pitch in and nagging, and I appreciate the article offering a perspective on giving your husband grace, but you’re taking it too far.

        Feminism: I don’t think you understand what that word means.

    • Thank you. I’m a big, strong, gun owning man and I’ve never thrown my cloths on the ground(and I do dishes and vacuum too). Yes, I have a full time(plus) job and earn a good income. My wife is my partner, not my maid or my mom.

      • Sorry, that’s great but you missed the point. I am married to a big, strong, gun owning man who leaves his laundry on the floor, but having experienced what the writer describes I too happily serve him. I am a better wife this time. I thought I would be alone the rest of my life and I am treasuring this unexpected gift. There’s nothing wrong with showing love out of service, with showing deep love by going the extra mile. I wish I had someone to share this perspective with me before, and I hope everyone takes something from this post! My first husband was wonderful and also deserved the ‘extra mile’. Husband ‘numero dos’ also leaves socks on the floor. And I hang my unmentionables around the house to dry. Whether he gets up for work at 2 AM or 6 AM, I get up with him and fix his coffee and fill his lunch pail and see him off with a kiss and blessings and well-wishes for a wonderful day. He takes out the overflowing trash because I don’t like to do it because “I’m a lady”. We accept and love each other and our little imperfections. And if I need a little more help to carry the laundry, I simply ask and he helps. 🙂

      • No, I get the point. It’s part of grieving to wish the person was still here, to miss their quirks. But the author is referring to herself as a “butthole wife” for wishing her spouse would have acted like an adult, and that’s just wrong. You can have a good division of labor without someone going out of their way to regularly created extra work. That does not make someone a “butthole”.

      • No, you are missing the point. You want to argue how wonderful you are, how just you are and how conscientious you are. Have fun arguing, she obviously was not directing her sweet story at your type of perfection. I bet you’re great at parties…

      • I know it’s complicated for you, but I was replying to Lisa’s comments, who along with others feels bad that this widow is still upset with herself(calling herself a butthole) because she was annoyed with an action that she had every right to be annoyed with. That’s it. I’ve got flaws, we all do, but it’s not hard to do simple tasks to not make other’s jobs more difficult. And I am pretty good at parties, thanks for asking.

      • So the only thing that matters is what she cares about? And if he cares about something and she doesn’t, can he be an asshole husband?

        Every marriage gets polarized around axes where, even if both “care” about something, one cares “less” – about getting clothes in the hamper, getting dishes put away in cabinets after being washed and left in the drying rack, any number of things.

        The whole point of the article is this:

        If you care about something, and he doesn’t, and it’s not an issue of moral right and wrong (say, kicking puppies), one has the option to decide it’s too small a thing to waste time fighting and poisoning the relationship over to make him see it your way, and just grab the clothes off the floor.

      • I think generating useless work for my wife is a moral right and wrong, and fortunately my wife feels the same. But hey, we’ve only been at this 30 years. We’ll keep trying.

      • What makes HER value of “useless” in picking up the clothes where you drop them any more valuable than YOUR time in putting them in the hamper?

      • I’ve had similar interactions with kids under 10 that we’ve trained to be adults. Too bad you missed that lesson growing up.

      • You keep dodging the question.

        Why is HER valuation of what is worth her time worth more than yours, or mine? Is she a goddess on a pedastal? If not, what makes her special that she doesn’t owe you at least as much in return?

      • The big difference is guys generally don’t complain about the small stuff, like clothes on the floor, we get hit all daylong with trivial stuff that we just’handle’ and don’t complain about. I wonder if butt hole wife was stay at home. If do,did She appreciate all he did every day by working and not complaining that he had to work… women.,, pick your battles wisely in life!!!

      • How you go about “correcting” your husband is what makes you a butthole wife. Likewise, it is easy to be a butthole husband. Neither one can be justified, period.

      • While I understand the servant’s heart aspect of this, there is another side. I’m NOT currently blessed to be a stay-at-home wife (although I was for a number of years); we both must work full-time in order to pay the bills. When I get home from an 8-hour day and have to wade through laundry, dirty dishes, etc., and have to figure out what to fix for dinner, it’s not too much to expect him to pick up after himself, or to ask him for help when he doesn’t. Would I miss his laundry pile next to the hamper if something were to happen to him? I’m sure I would. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t let him know (in a loving way) how his actions affect me.

      • Do you give lessons? BC if it doesnt come from the mouth of another man he doesnt seem to hear it.
        (General “you” is being used after this)

        I feel it has to do with respect for your house and home. And respect for my time and energy. I understand as a man you work hard to provide, but if after a hard weeks work you come home with a check in hand and I walk up to you and take it out of your hand and flush it down the toilet, I’m sure that you would get mad and feel disrespected. You worked hard and took pride in your work and then I came and threw it all away.

        How is that different from: after I spend the day cleaning the house and maintaining the house, you walk in and throw dirt all over the place? I love my husband and he is my partner. But part of respecting him is treating him like a man and not a child. I refuse to infantilize him.

      • crashtx: Right? That ” I know, he can’t find the hamper” attitude makes me want to scream. I grew up with 3 brothers and I am now aunt to 9 nephews, all grown men (late 20s to mid 30’s.) Not only do they put their clothes in the damn hamper, they do their own frigging laundry. They vacuum, take out the trash, cook dinner, wash dishes, and change diapers. All it takes is establishing that Mom is NOT a maid and that everyone in the family is responsible for themselves. Honestly.

    • I’m afraid you might have missed the point. Look for how to help one another, not nag. This is not about laundry or one-sided service.

      As for your specific complaint, some people wouldn’t mind it. What makes it disrespectful? It’s situational. In my house, we don’t mind things being left lying around for a few hours – we all understand they will be picked up, but maybe the person who left them had something better to worry about. What if that’s how his mother and father ran his house? What if he wanted that to be okay in his house? Leave your dirty clothes by the bedside where they fall, pick them up as you go to bed, or a more convenient time when you come back by later. “Selfish child forever” – way overboard.

      • …some people wouldn’t mind it, but if your spouse (male or female) asks you to make an effort because it’s causing more work for the spouse and making the shared space uncomfortable, then it IS selfish to ignore it.

      • I have found that usually “nag” is used by people to suppress others concerns. “Please pick up your socks” – “Stop nagging me!” As for this “situational” thing – it is, but you have to talk about it. You can’t just assume the other person is going to be okay with the level of mess you are. If you have different levels of mess, you have to talk about what level it will be maintained at. This is what happens to people I think – they never talk about it.

    • You missed the piss outta the point lol. The point was all the unesseasry nagging that women do to their husbands is unneeded and that when that person is gone you might regret not cherishing the person correctly.

      it was not an excuse for being messy etc. just a reflection of the excess of nagging that happens .

      • summary: women–don’t nag.
        if the article was for men it would read: men–share household responsibilities with your wife.

      • I wholeheartedly hear and support the message of the article. I just find it interesting that women are always stereotyped as the nag. In some cases men are nagging as well. I know! I live with one.

      • I was meaning in general, in our society, it is women that are stereotyped as the nag. I was not directing this at the author. I love her message.

      • First, asking for what you need and reiterating expectations is not nagging.

        Second, if tasks are tackled as a team, there is more time available together for both partners to cherish each other. I think that’s what it’s about.

      • Well, sort of. If a husband regularly (let’s say 3 times a week) expressed his need for sex. Then reiterated his expectation that his wife (according to God’s word) did not deny her body to him, would you still feel like this “express/reiterate” dynamic wasn’t demeaning or irritating? After all, husbands and wives are teams and he shouldn’t try and do this on his own right?

      • Remember the last time you walked into your bedroom and tripped over a pile of your wife not giving you sex?
        Remember when you went into the bathroom in the morning after your wife and she left shaving cream and a big mess of not having sex with you in the sink?

        Your example of submission to your partner’s needs is not applicable to this specific post.

      • I perceived the discussion being about nagging versus explaining your “needs” and “expectations” in marriage. In that case, my example is applicable. Think about it like this. Barring someone being a complete, destructive slob/hoarder/etc., what if one person in a marriage has “needs” or “expectations” that are either unimportant to the other person or in conflict with the other person’s needs/expectations? If a wife needs/expects the house to be perfectly clean, while the husband doesn’t see that level of order as a priority, why is one person’s perspective more valid than another’s? Why do one person’s needs/expectations take priority over another person’s? More to the point, why does one person get to dictate terms to another person regarding expectations of cohabitation?

        This is the essential point of the article about being a “butthole wife” (or husband for that matter). It comes down to the idea of expecting your partner to conform to your standards rather than accepting them as they are. The essence of “nagging” is the repeated reminder that one person is not measuring up to what the other person expects them to be. The reminder that you are repeatedly disappointing the other person.

      • To me, this is about the husband having respect for his wife by not making her job more difficult. To me, this is about having reasonable expectations of another adult in your household (i.e. picking up your dirty underwear and putting them in the hamper) and setting an example for your children.

      • I understood the original point of the blog; I’m merely disagreeing that it’s somehow more godly and loving to not express my feelings about having to constantly pick up his dirty underwear, and that it’s “buttheaded” to expect him to set a good example for our son, because if (God forbid) he dies early, I will regret doing it. If, however, he lives a long, full life, I will have spent the next 50 years trying not to be annoyed every time I have to clean up after him.

      • The impression I have of women’s thinking is like – if I want to have money, I have to get a job. Likewise, if I want to have a kid, I have to have sex. If I want to get something special that I want, I have to have sex. If I want to steer him so he does things my way, I have to have sex. The rest of the time, just leave me alone. No sense of pleasure, love, desire – just agenda.

      • The are variables that are not known. Are you both working full time out of the home with the same hours and same commute? If so by all means figure out a plan that works for both of you. If he works outside the home and you don’t then stop whining about laundry in the floor. Leave it or pick it up but dont whine about it.

      • Asking a grown man to pick up after himself instead of leaving piles of dirty clothes, a messy bathroom sink, or whatever, is not ‘nagging’. He is not a child and you are not his mother.

      • If my wife worked and paid all the bills, and I stayed home, you’re damn right I’d pick up her socks and clean up her sink for her.

      • If he is not a child…

        STOP TREATING HIM LIKE ONE!

        OK, so he doesn’t toss his clothes in the hamper.

        Big. F*cking. Deal. if it’s that important to YOU, then pick them up.

      • If I pick them up, they go in the garbage. If you’re too common to put your own filthy rags in the hamper, then you don’t deserve to have clothes to wear. You don’t have a slave or a maid, put your own crap away!

      • She chooses to marry a guy and can’t even give him the respect one would give a dog?

        What a sad, petty, passive-agressive, nag. Everyone has to meet HER standards, do things HER way, to get HER approval, or else she will SHAME him, SHAME him I tell ya. Doesn’t pick up his clothes? Throw them OUT!!!

        Reshape him in her ideal image or else.

        “You don’t have a slave or a maid” – and neither. do. you. He’s not your wallet, or your live-in mechanic and handyman.

        He also ain’t your Ken Doll, to pull his strings

      • LOL Are you big mad or little mad? Well, put on your cape and get ready to be super mad…..
        Respect is a two-way street. Judging from your comment, you aren’t as smart as a dog, nor are you as good. Only a sorry, lazy no-account jackass would make a mess and expect someone else to clean up after him.
        When people are married, what’s his is hers and what’s hers is his. So all finances are shared. If you don’t fix your car or your wife’s car, you are screwing yourself as well as your wife because BOTH of you need transportation to your jobs or wherever. If you refuse to fix the plumbing in the house, that affects you also, not just your wife. Don’t worry, you’ll understand these things a bit more when you grow your first beard……

      • What a sense of assumptions on this entitled nag.

        Only a lazy no-account bimbo would expect a guy to provide for the household and not give him a little leeway on little things.

        Now please explain to me what doesn’t apply to you making the little bit of effort to simply pick up the clothes instead of vindictively like a controlling little OCD queen BPD tossing them in the trash?

      • Um, it’s a man’s job to provide for the household. That doesn’t give him an excuse to throw his crap all over the place and it doesn’t make me entitled, lazy or a bimbo to not pick up after him.

        “Now please explain to me what doesn’t apply to you making the little bit of effort to simply pick up the clothes instead of vindictively like a controlling little OCD queen BPD tossing them in the trash?”
        Why is it so hard for you to put your own damn clothes in the hamper?

      • I said entitled, and she goes and proves it… He’s SUPPOSED to provide, but damn it he better pick up the laundry like I SAY.

        Not hard at all, as she implies – yet sooooooo bent out of shape over doing it herself.

        Gentlemen – this woman is far more interested in control than compromise.

      • She is the kind of woman that I raised my girls to NOT become….

        She needs to get off her worthless butt and get a job. Maybe then she would have a greater appreciation of her husband then.

      • Added note: “Um, it’s a man’s job to provide for the household. That doesn’t give him an excuse to throw his crap all over the place and it doesn’t make me entitled, lazy or a bimbo to not pick up after him.”

        This is what I refer to as “but I was just” from Kids.

        As a reminder, you didn’t just refuse to pick up, you would throw the stuff in the trash.

        Vicious, petty, argumentative, snake-tongued…

        there’s a reason for the old proverb: “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”

      • WOW, you don’t see who toxic you are? In all seriousness, you REALLY need to check a mirror. Your marriage isn’t going to last like that. I’d tell your husband or boyfriend to RUN. He has all of the responsibility everywhere and you have none. That ain’t gonna fly long term.

      • Well we can all see divorce in future. Just a little warning here, Kendra, if your husband isn’t messing around on you, he soon will. No man will put up with drama like you for long and be controlled like some puppet. Just don’t be surprised when it happens.

      • P.S. I’ve had life and death in my hands for hundreds of men, and counseled those learning to shave to stay away from entitled drama queens like you.

      • What my husband is or isn’t to me is none of your concern. Just be sure your own “doll” has enough air in it to be useful.

      • LOL – they’re still missing the point. They can’t even stop when they’re in here. Feel sorry for your husbands.

      • Thank you for simplifying, but some would rather whine about equality and make points that are not related to this article! I cried when I read it because I realize as John 10:10 states, “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, BUT Jesus comes to give life – abundant life.” If we focus on loving one another as Jesus loves us, all these small, insignificant things will not rob us of our joy.

    • It’s just the way men’s brains work versus womens. They put up with crap from us because of our ways of thinking. Go ahead and call it disrespectful while some of us know irs a minor flaw compared to all the good they do. Thats IF he’s a good man. If he isnt a good, caring, helpful husband, then yes, he is just being a careless jerk.

    • Using YOUR logic but flipping gender: Men are not gardener’s for our wives, mowing two huge lawns once a week. Men are not on call motor pool attendants–maintaining 4 cars, registration, insurance, maintenance etc. Men are not on-call exterminators killing spiders. Men are not taxi services, running children to different sporting events all weekend, and practice on week nights. Men are not the only people capable of bringing trash to the curb and bringing the trash cans back in.

      Men and women both work. I’m pretty sure you missed the point of the article. It’s not to complain about and keep score, but to embrace the situation.

      • Damn right! The problem with too many people is they errect a score board, and the only way they like to see it work is by making sure the other team gets no score. And if they do they start the disparraging coments. Typical of the feminazi movement……she needs to crawl up the legs of Meryl Streep, or Rosie O’Donnell!

      • It’s not about keeping score, it’s about gently and lovingly letting your spouse know that something they are doing bothers you. It’s called open communication and mutual respect.

      • As long as he does what you want, when you want, the way you want, then there’s mutual respect, right?

      • Letting your spouse know that something is annoying to you, is fine and communication. Unfortunately, we both know that what these idiots call “communication” is them demanding that their husband do what they are told, when they are told, and how they are told. It’s abuse.

      • The way this broad argues with you, can you imagine how miserable her husband must be?? And I’m SURE she doesn’t even know it…she’s completely oblivious.

      • I have been chewing ice my entire life. It’s habitual. I don’t even realize Im doing it, I just enjoy it. I grew up in a hot weather state so having ice around all of the time is the norm. Within the last couple of years, my wife decided that my ice chewing is THE most annoying thing in her life. I have had things thrown at me for chewing my ice. The only way I can stop doing it is to not have any. DO YOU CALL THAT OPEN COMMUNICATION AND MUTUAL RESPECT?? I doubt it…its just doing what she wants, when she wants, at her whim…..which is what normal marriage looks like in today’s America.

      • I was just going to make that point too. My wife picks up after me around the house sometimes, I know she does, she knows she does. I’m sure it drives her nuts sometimes. I appreciate it. She makes the meals, while I work all day, but then I take her out on the town so she doesn’t have to make meals. I do not ask her to go out in the cold and shovel the snow for the 3rd time in a week in brutally cold NH. She doesn’t lie under the truck in the rain and change a flat tire. She doesn’t ever have to mow the lawn. I don’t ask her to weedwack, it wouldn’t even CROSS MY MIND. In fact, I’d be insulted as that is ‘something I do.’ Is she being disrespectful to me, by not offering to weedwack every time I take it out of the garage? Hell no. I bet there’s not ONE man in this thread that would give their wives a hard time for not mowing the lawn, but look at all the women dumping all of their partners for not doing something in the house. Unfortunately they’re too self absorbed, and like the article stated, they’ll probably figure that out too late, when their husband is 6ft under.

      • That’s fine and dainty when the task are split, but there are times when that isn’t the case and it becomes flat out disrespectful for a simple task to be ignored or blown off. In my case, I maintain the house by cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, doing all errands, fixing burst pipes and broken furnaces in negative degree weather, handling household repairs, fixing broken windows caused by snow storms, maintaining the vehicles, scheduling appointments, shoveling multiple feet of snow in the winter, handling all finances, and making sure we are both at work on time because up until recently, my husband didn’t have a drivers license because his parents didn’t see that as a necessity to teach him how to drive and it was not needed while he lived on a military base nor over deployments. All while working 80+ hours a week within three days at the hospital which is both emotionally and physically draining. So when I ask a simple request to pick up after himself and not to leave pills of laundry in the kitchen at the front door or not to pill dishes up in the sink or leave them in every room in the house; I do not think that is asking too much. Quite frankly, I don’t think that’s asking much at all. It’s a sign of respect and love to do it without being asked in the first place because as my husband, he should know what my pet peeves are and how not to piss me off. Additionally, chipping in once in a while or at least appreciating everything your spouse does to make your life easier once in a while would also help. And it’s not always the wife doing everything. One of the reasons I know how to do everything is because I grew up in the reverse when my father did everything.

      • That my dear is someone you chose, and you knew what you signed on for. GOd bless you on your journey, but if you have a man who let his parents dictate that he not need a drivers license and then as an adult continued to handicap himself and the rest of his loved ones with that thinking, my guess is you are handling a lot, and probably enable that behavior. Not sure what you describe is remotely close to the authors description of a few socks hanging outside of the laundry basket. You have a completely hands off man and you are doing more then you should, and if I am wrong you should dump your post!

      • It is literally impossible to work 80+ hours in three days….I mean, seeing as how there are only 72 hours, total, in three days…

      • On the contrary, I do most of the cleaning around the house AND maintain the cars (we pay a guy to mow!). My husband just isn’t as motivated about the house and we both work 40+ hours a week. He’s a sweet generous man but I do have to remind him to help maintain the house. The difference is that I don’t have to nag because he admits that he’s a bit of a slob and willingly engages in chores when I remind him that they need doing. As for laundry and dishes, it’s about 50/50. I don’t serve him or anyone. We both work and negotiate the household tasks as partners.

      • Just to add a little perspective, here’s the way I view a pile of dirty clothes next to an empty hamper:

        Let’s say your wife decides to change her own sparkplugs and oil. She does a fine job of it, gets the catch pan under the drain plug and everything. But at the end of the job, she doesn’t wipe off the tools and put them in the tool box. Nope! She just dumps everything on the floor next to the box, wipes her hand on your car cover and walks away.

        That’s dirty socks and underwear next to the hamper to me. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just super annoying. Bad enough I have to touch the crusty, sand filled socks once (from hamper to washer), but now I have to go on the world’s grossest Easter Egg hunt *and* touch the things twice too? It sets my teeth on edge.

    • Before going the “I’m his mother not his maid” route – I hope you’re helping to mow the lawn, take out the trash, fix the cars, clear the drive in the winter, and drive you both around. After all he’s your husband, not your chauffeur / mechanic / gardener / garbage man.

    • Exactly! How great that this new husband is spending time with his new family, which is also YOUR family, while you clean up behind him, taking away from your family time. When, if he didn’t throw his clothes all over the floor for you to pick up, you BOTH would have family time together.

    • What the blogger is saying is we as spouses should spend more time with our partner and less time changing them. She’s not telling women to clean up after a man…she’s not telling you to be a slave. She’s only suggesting, to those of us who want to hear it, that nagging and complaining is not the best use of our limited time together.

    • Yikes!! Cold Front blows thru with that response. Can you share with us what time you are walking on water. This isn’t a male problem leaving clothes on the floor. IT is a human problem. I would be thankful if that was my spouses biggest irritant of me. You on the other hand are judgemental and uncaring. Great to all those that pick up the clothes and do the chores. But that wasn’t what the article was about, typical of a femminist, and don’t claim you aren’t. You went with saying Just because a person is male (women are slobs too)_ and you capitalized your Wives and Mothers. Uggh you just didn’t get the article for what it was.

    • Often the problem is that many wives who say, “I’m not your mother” then turn around and act like a mother toward their husband. Marriages are a two way street and I feel for you, as the attitude you displayed in your post indicates a woman who is angry and bitter.

    • Thank you. I also noticed this woman was a stay home mom. I chose to stay home for 4 years when my second child was born. When I did I assumed the responsibility of taking care of the home, the kids and my husband’s needs, That is a full time job and I treated it as such. However, when BOTH husband and wife work the responsibility of cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, kids etc belongs to BOTH. And just because you do have a stay-home-wife that is no excuse to be a pig. It’s disrespectful to throw clothes on the floor when their is a hamper or leave dirty dishes in a sink. It’s your home, not a hotel. That means you should treat it with love.

    • Disrespectful? Just because a person is female doesn’t give them the right to act like a selfish child forever either. Put the toilet seat down yourself. It goes down as easily as it goes up. Next time the yard needs to be mowed you go out and gas up the mower and weedeater and get to work. If you need some landscaping done you go get the heavy loads of rocks and timbers and put them down exactly how I want them…….. two or three different times because I’m not sure if I like it that way. We’re the HUSBANDS…not your SLAVES. We do things FOR each other because we chose to be a partnership when we got married. I don’t complain when I mow the yard because you may do a load of laundry or the dishes. If you do the yard I’ll do the dishes. I leave things places sometimes. So does my wife. So what!? Pick them up. If I see it I will.

      • Amazingly enough, I do mow our lawn, shovel our walks, do the landscaping, AND clean up after my husband. Yes, we do things FOR each other because it’s a partnership. BUT we also have mutual respect. My husband takes out the trash, but I make sure I put my trash into the container, not on the floor next to it.

      • That’s great springs! But if you miss the container and it goes behind or next to it and you don’t see it, do you expect him to pick it up when he takes out the rest of the trash or just leave it there? My point is we do things for each other. It’s not a boss/subordinate relationship. It’s a partnership. Sometimes we do things for each other because the other person just really doesn’t want to do it………. like mowing or laundry. I don’t see anything wrong with this. I don’t leave my clothes all over, but occasionally if I remove my socks or shoes I may leave them next to the couch or under a chair………. not on purpose, but because it’s late when I get up and I just forget. If my wife sees them, she will put them in the laundry. We work together.

      • My husband and I DO work together as partners, and we do help each other with chores that we know the other doesn’t like. However, there’s a difference between occasionally missing the hamper and leaving dirty underwear next to the hamper every time you take a shower. Likewise, if I throw something away and inadvertently miss the container, it’s vastly different than regularly leaving trash next to the container because I just couldn’t be bothered to lift the lid and deposit it in the proper location. It’s about having respect for each other and pride in your home.

    • Lisa, you missed the entire point. Maybe some just have to truly experience this to understand. Trust me, you don’t want to experience this. Empathy, Lisa! Empathy can go a long way in improving one’s life! And I mean that in a loving way. 🙂

    • I’m a guy and I can’t stand stuff thrown around. Clothes go in the hamper. There is no reason to just drop them on the floor and I don’t buy this bit about him being in a hurry to spend time with his new family and that’s why he dumped his stuff on the floor. It takes two seconds to put them in the hamper. it sounds like the author of this column is in denial.

      • That’s not the point. One person works and pays the bills. The other people takes care of the household. What’s so difficult to understand about that? If I work my ass off all day, my partner who doesn’t work, can damn sure put my clothes in the laundry.

      • My mother was a stay at home and none of us disrespected her by leaving our things lying around. I’m actually surprised that your partner puts up with your attitude. Oh, and just for the record, I’m a conservative, religious, right-winger…and I still believe in showing respect for others.

      • Yes, like how my partner should show respect for me working full-time, paying all the bills, and supporting her by taking care of the household chores.

      • That is your opinion and circumstance. Some people do not have it that way and are not being dusrespected because they occasionally have to bend down a little further while someone else goes a little further on occasion in their work outside the home.

      • What you seem to be missing is that your partner DOES work. She just doesn’t get a paycheck. Do you have clean clothes, a clean house, home cooked meals, children who are taken care of, toilet paper and toothpaste on demand, etc.? Guess what? Someone had to do all of that for you. Do you ever say “thank you”? Do you ever let her know how much you appreciate her hard work in keeping the house running so that you don’t (apparently) have to lift a finger to do a single thing once you get home? Shame on you for saying she doesn’t work.

      • Before shouting, you might want to re-read my post. I specifically mentioned once you get home. And clearly you do not value your wife’s hard work (which, by the way, is usually far more than 8 hours a day); I can only hope she doesn’t actually feel as demeaned as your posts would imply she might.

      • Your attitude is all wrong. You SHOULD put your own stuff away. The point is, if you just don’t do that occasionally for some reason, your wife should show a little perspective and just not sweat it. But you SHOULD be trying to do it. Your attitude that it’s okay for you to not contribute at all at home is wrong. Even if you make all the money, you don’t get to directly control all spending. You need your wife to help manage spending. Well, she needs your help too. THAT is how a marriage works.

      • ” not contribute at all at home” WOW. Go back to your mommys basement Mr. Attorney guy. PAYING ALL THE BILLS IS CONTRIBUTING NUMNUTZ!

    • Oh please. So doing laundry for your family means your husband is a child? He pays all the bills. If my wife worked full time and paid all the bills while I stayed home, you’re damn right the laundry, cleaning and cooking would be done when she got home.

    • And you married a man who does what he does, and not a child to nag. If you’re feeling like a mother in how you treat him, consider that it may be how YOU are treating HIM.

    • I too am I strong, gun owning man, and the only time I throw my clothes on the floor is when I am going to sleep (I then wake up and put them in the hamper in the morning), or if I’m about to give it to my wife… LOL. I am well educated with a Masters degree, earn a very good income, teach online for three universities,and as crashtx1 said, I do dishes, laundry, clean, vacuum), help tuck the kids in at night, help give the youngest a bath. Oh boy oh boy do I love to cook and make delicious food! I do understand the concept. The key is cherish what you have because life is short and you don’t know the last time you will get to tell the person you love them or it be the last time you see them.

    • I really don’t get the article. To tell you the truth, I have always been a bold and strong person and hey, my husband does his own laundry. It’s his to do. I work all week. If I have time and I feel like it, I will occasionally do it. Hey, but he doesn’t do my laundry either. I think whatever works for you great, but don’t make it into an article and put other woman down. Relationships are all different. And I can assure you, I would not be picking up someones dirty laundry ever!

    • I think the point of the article is to BE a wife, not act like a mother; constantly criticizing, telling us we have to do this or that chore, and belittling us for how we use our time. I put my clothes in the hamper, I do dishes, cook dinner, take out the garbage, etc. all without any fanfare or attention, but let the chores pile up just a bit too long it’s Screaming Mother time. I’ve tried to have a dialogue with my wife about her nagging but nothing changes. My opinion is you need to ask in the positive instead of the negative. i.e. “Why don’t you ever take out the trash?” vs “The trash is getting a little full honey.” If you don’t see the difference between those sentences, you might be a butthole wife.

  • This is awesome. I’m glad I’m not married to the naysayers in these comments. I don’t want to even know you sour hags.

    • Lol, thank you for you kind christian words. Don’t sweat it honey, no one here is asking you to pick up your socks.

      • “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
        Matthew 10:34

        Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
        Ephesians 5:22

        In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
        Ephesians 5:28 NIV

        Guess you wouldn’t pick up the Lord’s socks much less wash His feet huh. Hagitude.

      • Considering that I am not a believer, you can bet on that.
        Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.Eph4:29
        But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.Mat15:18
        But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.Col.3:8
        But I read the book. And you are no more Christian than I.

      • Shoot, child, anyone who can spout God’s Word like that has enough in ’em for Him to work with. 😉 You may not yet be a believer, but there’s plenty of us who’ll Love you into the Kingdom! And I’m not finger-pointing at the dude above…I used to sound just like him until God got hold of my heart… He’ll get there!

      • Anyone that goes around calling women hags, has a seeming inability to scrutinize his own attitude (i.e. a complete lack of introspection), yet still attempts to ‘school’ others in Christian teachings is nothing more than a hypocrite or a troll, at best.

    • I don’t nag my hubby. He can throw his socks on the floor. Whatever. It just makes more work for HIM when he tries to collect HIS clothes to do HIS laundry.

    • Proverbs 15:1, A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

      ^Since you are fond of biblical quotes.

      Perhaps you should also remember that the Lord humbled the proud & rebuked the wicked. Even Jesus didn’t speak to Martha so harshly.

      I have a wonderful husband whom I have no issues picking up after, and I am very glad to know he would never speak this way to or of any woman, regardless of her disposition.

      • We could go back and forth on bible quotes all day. I was just joking a little and never seriously speak this way to anyone so lighten up buttercup. And remember even though proverbs are wonderful words to live by they’re still old covenant and my Christ is the new covenant who fulfilled the law and old moral laws. With that said have a nice day and God bless.

      • You’re a special kind of person aren’t you? The kind that twists and contorts the word of your God to fit your pre-established view of the world and the role of its inhabitants.

        You’d jump at the chance to whip out any one of the quotes mentioned by others if it fit your narrative and helped you win arguments on the internet.

        Fact is you can’t accept one part of the Bible while disregarding the others when it’s convenient and then hide behind some facade of your making that, to you, justifies your actions.

        The old testament and new testament are pretty damn clear: don’t be a prick, and love everybody…even those you disagree with. Just be cool man, no need to be so needlessly divisive.

        It’s easier to be nice and pleasant than constantly relying on God’s forgiveness to bail you out.

      • Exactly. 2 Tim 3:16, All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness…

    • I nagged my husband not to do him harm or show him disrespect. I did it to try to keep him alive and with us just a little bit longer. Get up and do these things — it is good for your circulation. Please take your blood sugar — you can’t regulate your insulin without it. Don’t take your medication like that — you have to follow the directions for it to work right. And sometimes it frustrated me and made me angry, because I knew what could happen. And what could happen did happen. He died. And I dearly wish I could nag him just one more time.

      • There is no good way to fix what you (and I ) went through in this. My husband had mild dementia and I had to constantly remind. There is a difference. He also had diabetes and multiple health problems before he died. I would not want him to come back as sick as he was and as miserable, but I would welcome him coming back with open arms and all of his mess, all of his clutter, all of his dirty laundry.

  • I do not nag my husband. He does put his clothes in the hamper, and dirty dishes in the sink. He even remembers to close the toilet when he is done using it. Our children are grown and we both work full time. I expect him to be able to pick up after himself as I expect to pick up after myself. Maybe I am just an extremely lucky wife, who loves her husband and he loves me and is respectful of my thoughts and wishes, as I am of his. Marriage is a two way street. Yes, you do need to sometimes overlook the little things, just like you do with your children. We both give a little or a lot, but the respect, love and appreciation we have for each other and our wishes is mutual. And I am certainly not a butthole. I respect myself more than that.

    • I may be similarly blessed. I certainly identify closely with your post. My husband is a worker, he LOVES to cook, bake, can, garden, hunt and process our food, and as icing on the cake he is a naturally clean person. He simply prefers neatness and we are well matched in that. Is he a perfect man? Hahahahahaaaaaa. No more than I am a perfect woman. But as you said, we overlook the small things in each other to create harmony.

      • Total agree with you! I was blessed with a wonderful husband and dad for our children. After 15 years of marriage I still remember the best advise I received on my wedding day. My older sister told me to stop when you are mad about something and ask yourself if it will matter next week? then if it will matter in a month? then if you will even remember what you were mad about in a year? The point of this was, Pick your battles because the small stuff can kill a marriage if you let it but if you stop and think most of it is not worth picking a fight. I can honestly say that with this advise and always talking with my husband that we have never had an argument in front of our children and they are 13 & 10. My husband is my partner for life and we both have taken our turn doing all of the chores needing to be done. My husbands advise from my brother was you only need to remember two words, Yes Dear….I told him if I ever hear those words he would be in big trouble…lol.

    • Ah. I work several jobs as hard as I can to keep my wife at home, because she values raising children over a 2nd car and a career.
      Perhaps that has something to do with her lack of nagging and servant heart (in stark contrast to the american “respect [for] myself?”

      • As much as I value my child over a car and/or career, sometimes life happens. Implying that those of us moms who have to work somehow value our children less only serves to widen the divide between the “godly” SAHM’s and the “worldly” working moms that many in the Church have perpetuated. I would LOVE to stay home with my son, but that’s not where God has us right now. Having been on both sides, I know what I’m missing out on, and it’s heartbreaking. My husband feels terrible (and guilty) that I had to go back to work, and has done everything he can to make it easier on me (he has worked temp/contract/part-time for 7 years, while continuing to look for a permanent position), and has been an outstanding dad. Is it the “traditional” setup? No, but it’s the practical one. We believe God has a purpose for this season, and that He opened the door to my current job. We trust that He will provide for us, even if it means I don’t get to stay home. It doesn’t help when well-meaning Christians try to explain to my husband that he’s not “fulfilling his Christian duty as a husband”, simply because I currently make the lion’s share of the income.

  • Debbie! Thank you so much for such a convicting message. I can be such a butthole wife, and mostly nagging in my heart which spills over into my thoughtless, hurtful words.

    Though I know this lesson must not have been an easy one, how sweet is the Lord to let you learn it and share with others.

    Thanks forsharing an empowering word for us wives and uplifting us in Christ.

    Committing to less butthole-ness,

    Renee

  • For me this was looking beyond your own needs and seeing what your other half needs and yes it does work both ways. He may think he totes the brunt of everything and you may not even realize it. When we got married the minister told a short story about a young bride asking her grandmother for her best advice and she replied, “I chose to forgive your grandfather for 10 things with out question”. The bride asked what the 10 things were and her grandmother replied “I can’t remember, I guess I never kept track” her point being that you have to always be open to forgiveness and focus on what’s most important. That hit home for me and I admit I struggle with this from time to time, but I am always a work in progress and so is our perfectly imperfect marriage.

  • Great article and insight! While my wife does her fair share, but I am probably more guilty of being the butthole:) We do work on it though!

    Unfortunately, some women today feel like they have to be men and feel the need to discredit stay at home moms. It was a decision we made for the betterment our family, and we each contribute in our own way, and 16 years later, it is still the right decision.

      • From the tone of your comments; I’d say you are the discourteous person. If you expect your husband to come home from work and share 50/50 all of the household duties, then you are an example of what’s wrong with marriages today. Just because a man does something that isn’t perfect, it doesn’t mean his intent is to disrespect his wife. But when a woman picks a fight just to prove a point of superiority, she is disrespecting her husband. (and vice versa)

        Modern feminism is destroying true feminism.

      • Spouses: Put your laundry into your laundry basket. *Especially if someone else is doing your laundry for you. It’s what adults do. It’s not picking a fight to ask a spouse to do that, nor is it disrespectful. Partners talk about these things and carry their own weight.

        This is a mother of four boys. How are you not bothered by a husband creating more work for an already hard-working mother? That’s disrespectful and thoughtless. I doubt it is his intention to be disrespectful, yet the real *effect of his actions matters at least as much as his *intention–if not more.

      • Stop it. Go join a feminist group and find you a good “partner” that is exactly like you.

        Pull their own weight? Do you even grasp what you are asking? I don’t think so.

      • Rambo icon, clearly obvious troll user name, buzzwords like “feminist” and “SJW”. Yep, you clearly have no intention of using more than two braincells or doing anything other than trolling.

      • All my comments are open and many are pretty insightful. I don’t require your approval, but maybe you should try to use more than 2 brain cells before making yourself sound stupid.

      • You assume a lot. My husband is retired. But when he worked or we both worked, we were reasonable about housework. Whoever had more time, did what was required. I don’t pick fights, neither does he. It is understood that he and I are together to help each other. Had it been any other way, I would not have chosen to marry him. Many times I have brought him his dinner and many times he has prepared dinner. What needs to be done, gets done by whoever it is more convenient for.With that unspoken agreement to make things as easy as we can for each other, we get to enjoy each other more. I have never presumed superiority over him. We just both like a tidy home.

      • You pretend a lot. You’re just a poser who wants to push some sort of anti-Christian agenda. It was a good article about a wife who loved her husband. You don’t need to be rewarded for trying to tear that apart, go away and try to like yourself.

      • Again, you assume a lot. How is it antichristian to want to make things easier for your spouse and set a good example for young men? It’s hardly an issue only Christians deal with. It is the Christians here who are throwing around personal insults. You, in particular. Are you a typical example of a fine Christian man? If so, (and I do not believe you are), yuck. Go pick up your socks.

      • So you’re telling me I hurt the feelings of a hateful person who judges others without putting any thought into the content of the message they are hearing? Hmmm, Keep lying to yourself, I do really hope one day you’ll stop and turn your life around.

    • I have so much respect for stay-at-home moms. It’s a hard job. If we could afford it, I would be home with my son (and in fact, my husband was for a year!). But please don’t call working moms “men” as it discredits their role as mothers and women. Many women can’t afford to stay home, and many women would prefer not to. They are still mothers as much as those who stay home

      • Don’t take me the wrong way; I am not calling working women, like yourself, men! My mother had to work, and I fully respect her and everything she has done for me and my sisters.

        It’s all about intent, what is the motivation. The SJW feminists of today was the target of my comment, and I see hints of that attitude from some of the comment’s on here. Unfortunately, I see popular culture trying to tear apart the family every way they can, and I don’t care for it.

        To say a woman is sub servant because she does the laundry, cleans the house, or what ever else is an insult, and I do not tolerate it. That just sounds like a bully to me, and I will always stand up to bully’s. My wife and I share many of the “traditional” roles, but there are others that we either reverse or do together.

      • I think that’s precisely what some people are struggling with here. It’s not that we think housework makes one subservient–it’s that the writer here has made herself sound subservient. I know what the Bible says, but I think a lot of women take issue with the idea that a woman’s place is to serve her husband when really most of us believe marriage is an equal partnership.

        I am glad that you don’t have issue with working mothers, though 🙂

      • I disagree with your take on what the author makes herself sounds like, and I’d just ask that you’d step out of your subjective perspective and try to see things from her’s.

        A wife’s job is to serve her husband, but the husband also serves the wife. It’s peoples own subjective view of what that means that distorts their view.

      • I’m not saying I’m right and I imagine the writer doesn’t feel like or think of herself as subservient, and I’m sure her husband doesn’t either, but I can say that some people will read it that way which is where they take issue with it.

      • Thank you, Taylor. I’ve been on both sides, and I would love to be able to stay at home as well. However, that’s not where God has us, and while I’ve struggled with it, I’m okay with it because I believe God’s plan is always better than mine.

  • I think this is a good message but some people are taking through a different lens. I’m not interpreting it as “let your husband be an irresponsible man-child” nor do I think it’s “allow him to disrespect you by being a lazy slob.” Nor do I think that it’s teaching children a bad example. I think the larger context is: Look to help one another, not fix one another.

    Example: When I was younger in my relationship I would do the laundry and then get scolded for not folding the towels the correct way. That scolding (being a butthole) deters you from wanting to participate. It wasn’t coming from a place of being helpful, it was a comment made out of frustration because I hadn’t done it the way she was used to doing it herself. I knew how to do laundry and fold my own clothes. I had been doing it since I was a teenager and I didn’t see it as women’s work. However at some point I left it to her because it was frustrating trying to do my part while avoiding getting picked at for using the wrong hanger, folding something the wrong way, or not ironing the right way. Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick.

    Not all wives are buttholes, and even butthole wives aren’t buttholes all the time. It’s just a metaphor for coming at the problem from the wrong direction. Incidentally the same metaphor can be used with a husband who nitpicks at things his wife does that aren’t to his liking (driving, playing video games, phone usage, movies she likes, even laundry quibbles). As partners we should be accountable to one another, but we should also be respectful in how we hold each other accountable. Shaming a husband (or a wife) or giving them a good scolding (then bragging to your friends about how you got onto them) is not that respectful accountability.

    And you know, sometimes you just have to stop sweating the small stuff. Because there’s small stuff your partner is letting slide too. And talking helps 😉

    Good relationships take both partners working together. This is ONE SIDE’S perspective of how she was working from her end after a tragedy gave her some insight. That’s all.

    • Thank you for bringing some needed clarity to this thread. I believe you captured perfectly the author’s sentiment.

    • This is much better perspective than feeling like part of god’s plan was to have my husband die so I could idolize his dirty underwear.

      • Sometimes people find the profound through the mundane. Some people will ascribe that to providence and others to coincidence.

    • Then it’s an incredibly poor metaphor, one designed solely to inflame and drive clicks to the page rather than make an enlightened statement. To the best of my knowledge I have never “shamed” my wife over her poor behaviors but I have attempted to talk to her like a fellow human being only to be dismissed out of hand like I’m being a jerk for expecting her to do something as simple as pick up after herself.

      Accountable to one another, indeed – and that means acting like an adult, not a child. Take the 2 seconds it requires to move dirty clothes into a hamper and be mindful of the time spent by your significant other cleaning and managing the household.

      • Wow. Way to completely miss the entire message of the article. That takes an extraordinary lack of insight.

      • I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask; You’re not married are you? Not anymore? It didn’t work out? Shocking!

      • I’ve been married 43 years and my husband loves me enough to clean up after himself. He does not treat me like his servant. For us, it’s truly a two-way street. Maybe the reason we’re still married is that we don’t buy into the “husband is head of the wife” crap.

      • I think you missed what she was saying altogether. There is a richness and intimacy that comes from covering one another rather than exposing one another, a joy of just serving the other. I have been married to my love for 37 years. We have been up and down and all around,through many situations. Our ability to weather the socks on the floor and those types of things was definitely the glue that held us together. The ability to overlook the little annoyances that we can otherwisei tear your marriage apart.

    • I’m just wondering if you ever had a discussion with your wife, letting her know that you’re glad to do your part of the work, but that her…ummm…constant instructing you on how she does it was counterproductive? Sometimes people grew up in roles that they had to take on huge responsibilities very young, and I don’t think they always realize that they are able to and should relinquish some of that responsibility and that it’s okay if it’s not done the way he or she has always done it.

      • A dialogue is started and, though it started in an uncomfortable way, now the two people are expressing their needs?
        TERRIBLE

      • I have to laugh at how “modern” women define “dialogue”. All the snark in the world won’t change what you and I know to be the truth about this “conversation”.

      • Um, honestly, I was responding as much about one partner feeling nagged as the other partner feeling like the first one never does what they ask.

        My fiance can tell me if he feels like I’m asking too much or bothering him about the same thing too much. I can tell him about things that are undone for too long that are bothering me. We sit down and talk about things like the state of the house if either of us is unhappy with where things are, and we make a plan together on how to keep both of us satisfied with the situation.

        Nothing awful happens if he tells me that he feels like I’m ‘picking or nagging’ (your words, not typically ones my fiance would use). I usually apologize, and think for a minute about whether my response is actually proportional to the problem. If it is, I explain why I’m so bothered, and that gets us to the conversation I just described in the paragraph above. If my response is disproportionate to the problem, I apologize a bit more, and explain why I think I reacted that way.

        That’s how I define a dialogue. No euphemism, and no snark. If you can’t sit down and talk like rational beings about things like chores and finances and what you do with your time off, well, I really do think that’s not good for a relationship. No snark there, either.

      • Mom: “Please do the chore.”
        Husband: silence
        Mom: “I said, please do the chore.”
        Husband: silence
        Mom: “I need you to do the damn chore.”
        Husband: silence
        Mom: “Do the damn chore now.”
        Husband: silence
        Mom: “DAMMIT DO THE CHORE RIGHT NOW!”
        Husband: “Why are you yelling?”

        If men would actually behave like adults women wouldn’t have to ask a dozen times.

      • I especially like how you asserted your dominant position over your husband by labeling yourself his mother and never your questioned your ability and right to order your husband to do something on your schedule. I’m sure you’ll have a long and happy marriage. Good luck.

      • So he’s only an adult if he obeys you? Who made you boss? How about we try this dialogue:

        Husband: “Please do the chore.”
        Wife: silence
        Husband: “I said, please do the chore.”
        Wife: silence
        Husband: “I need you to do the damn chore.”
        Wife: silence
        Husband: “Do the damn chore now.”
        Wife: silence
        Husband: “DAMMIT DO THE CHORE RIGHT NOW!”
        Wife: “Why are you yelling?”

        If THAT were the dialogue, women would be screaming that he was a controlling jerk and abusive. You don’t have the right to dictate and control another adult. Such an entitled view of yourself that you think your husband is supposed to drop what he is doing and obey your command. Then if he doesn’t, he’s a “child.”

      • Honey… I need affection… snore… honey, you awake… snore… you get the point, works both ways, except guys generally don’t manipulate,were fairly straight forward, feed us ,[email protected]@k us , love us, quit complaining and all is good

      • Oh we absolutely tried to have conversations about it at the time. But again, it was early in our relationship. Neither of us came into the relationship with the best communication skills or had the role models to really work from. So it was a point of friction that got abandoned early on by just letting her do it all. For a time it made things easier, but it was the immature solution. It wasn’t revisited until years later when we did have a little more maturity and perspective to understand each other and communicate. And there are still issues, people grow with time and with experience but sometimes bad habits are hard to shake; Whether it’s leaving a sock on the floor or being overly critical, they’re both habits that have to be unlearned.

      • Yes, a habit has to be unlearned but what happens when your husband is 77 years old and has not unlearned it? I don’t think he would have dared leave his dirty clothes laying on the floor when he was young or in the military so I don’t know when it started. Maybe his first wife but I won’t judge that relationship. I just know he still can leave clothes, papers, shoes, etc. all over the house. I do not pick them up but ask him to do it. If I’m getting ready to do the laundry I just ask him to get his dirty clothes together and bring them to the laundry room. It has worked for us for years! I don’t think either one of us feels taken advantage of and we respect each other’s feelings.

    • I agree with u Michael. What i got from the article is the facr that life IS too short. And where is it written in the mythological marriage handbook that it says the man has to conform to do things around the house the way the wife does things? Why is not “ok” for each person to do things the way they r used to-doing them? And I also got out of the article exactly what the lady that wrote it wanted to express……one day u wont know what u got til its gone……good and /or bad? Be careful what u wish for….bc u just may get it.

    • And this is what a comment sounds like when someone reads the entire article, gets the point, and then generously summarizes it for everyone else. 🙂

    • Nobody in a marriage or relationship needs to feel put upon. For instance, if a wife feels that her husband’s unwillingness to walk a few extra steps to the clothes hamper is a bit lazy, or even disrespectful and rude, she can ignore the behavior and ignore any laundry that isn’t in the hamper. No nagging ever needs to occur.

      People learn best by experiencing the consequences of their behavior. Her husband can live in a pile of dirty laundry on the floor until he runs out, or decides to do his own laundry. It’s like the trash. If it’s the husband’s household responsibility to take out the trash it would certainly be rude for everyone in the household to just drop their trash all over the floor wherever they might be and expect Dad to pick it all up and cart it out to the curb. That’s what trash containers are for.

      On another note, my dear husband once told me “you don’t do anything” on a busy night as I was headed out the door to take 2 final exams at college. I ran a home day care, and attended college classes at night, while caring for an infant and a toddler of my own. That night the dishes sat in the sink because I’d been studying all day in between more important chores, like working with my little clients. This is a man who never did household chores at all, or “babysat” while I was at college. I had to hire a sitter who stayed while he was home. So guess what I did for him? You guessed right if you said “nothing”. When the love and respect goes out the window, the desire to “serve” your spouse follows closely behind. Wives are not servants.

      The second time around I got it right. We do things together and never “serve” each other. We’d rather live a minimalist lifestyle and enjoy outdoor activities or quiet time in harmony. If one person is doing a household chore, the other is joining in.

      • Exaclty! I was married to a man who took grew to take my “service” for granted. It became a miserable relationship. Those messes around the house are sometimes a really subtle signal that the man and/or the children don’t think you are good for anything except being a maid, not a gift from God.

      • When the maid is miserable he or she got the message whether it was intentional or not. When it’s “not a signal of anything at all” that is what sets the tone of the of the entire relationship, which is also becomes not anything at all. Message received.

      • And when it’s the wife that leaves those messes around the house, what is it a subtle signal of, hmmmm?

      • That’s why I use “he or she”. If the wife is leaving messes around the house and expects her husband to clean up after her, there is no relationship anymore. If the husband doesn’t do any cleaning, then it’s none of his business if she “leaves messes”.

      • Or maybe you think you’re the standard and he’s flawed. A lot of women do. If you read above, many men quit helping because they realize their wife is just using it as another avenue to correct and pick at them.

      • Why is called “helping” if a man carries his dirty clothes to the hamper rather than leaving them on the floor? Doesn’t a man have the same responsibility to do household chores as a woman? It’s like saying a father “babysits” his kids. Helping and babysitting are silly terms to use when you live in the house and the children are yours.

      • We get it Cheryl, you’re perfect and your standards are what rules the house. You are missing the article’s spirit exactly.

      • Omg yes. Married to my husband for 10 years. He doesn’t see mess at all, but strips from the moment he walks into the house to the bedroom. Clothes everywhere. He just doesn’t see it. I don’t pick up after him, and he never complains that he ran out of clothes…just picks it up and cleans it when he needs to. But I also make all the money, carry all the benefits, and am responsible for getting our kids to where they need to go. I occasionally lose my mind, because I’m neater than him, but he will always pull his weight, mostly before I get to a breaking point. And he was my best friend for 10 years before we started dating, so I knew all this about him before marriage. And I love him. 🙂

      • I’m seeing the article through logic, the way a man would. For instance, I’d never, ever nag another human being–man, woman, or child. If they dropped trash or laundry on the floor I would ignore it. If they didn’t show up for dinner, too bad. I do my household chores and my work, and if you don’t do yours you will miss out on meals, clean laundry, your allowance if you’re a kid, anybody to pick up your uniform at the cleaners, a ride to the mall, and a clean home to bring your friends to. I had my Woman Cave that was neat and clean and had plenty of cold beer and wine for my friends to come over and enjoy while we relaxed and watched chick flicks on the ET. You should try it, the relaxing part.

      • Has anyone considered why he drops clothes on the floor? Many men work incredibly hard bone breaking jobs. They come home broke down, joints inflamed and very sore. Sometimes walking across the groom can be too much. Just as you are not “maids” we are not machines. Our jobs usually kill us at some point in our lives.

        “Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure?
        Did she understand it when they said
        That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure?
        Will she still believe it when he’s dead?” ~ The Beatles.

      • Wow! Antagonistic much? Don’t be such an offended snowflake when someone cracks a joke. In all honesty, I relate too much to the husband’s side in this story. Especially this paragraph –
        “Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people. It’s supposed to be beautifully harmonious and intimate. How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating. I wanted a perfect husband who acted how I wanted, and if that didn’t happen, well, butthole wife was in full effect. If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be. I needed to instruct him, question him, and remind him of his shortcomings.”
        Just today I’d thought I’d reach out and text my wife to see how she was doing. Her response? “Sucky.” then a picture of my socks fresh from the laundry,”Please stop putting your socks in the laundry like this [crumpled inside themselves] because they are not getting clean and they are coming out of the dryer that exact way they went in.”
        Is that Christ-like love? If it is, i’m missing something.
        This article isn’t propaganda as you seem to believe. The point is that husbands and wives need to work together, not against each other, in order to make a more perfect union. But I see our relationship being poisoned to the point where I can’t even share my feelings without being attacked.

      • Yes, I do appreciate the chores she does for me. But I learned how to do my own laundry a long time ago because my mom kept ruining my nice things so I do my share to help her out too. The only thing I’m really a slob about is vacuuming. I can’t see the dirt for the dust bunnies.

      • Simpler solution – don’t worry about how I put my clothes in the hamper and let me live with damp, scrunched socks. I’ll either learn to live with it or fix the behavior.

      • I know your comment is meant to be a “joke”, but it makes me so sad. It is so painful to lose your spouse at a young age (any age).

      • I imagine it would be more painful if, like the author was saying, you took your spouse for granted and one day they were suddenly gone and you realize you had not loved them the way they wanted to be loved

    • “let your husband be an irresponsible man-child”
      “allow him to disrespect you by being a lazy slob.”

      I guess it’s not just the author, but the commenters as well that just assume that it’s completely impossible for it to be the wife that exhibits these kinds of behaviors.

    • I live with a butt hole wife.
      I am at the point where I cannot do anything right.
      Do I do things for her? Yes.
      Do I help clean the house? Yes.
      I wash dishes regularly, I do a lot of the cooking, I work on the cars as much as I am able, I go to work each day, go grocery shopping with her etc etc etc. Yet I get nagged at, put down, and downright disrespected. And when it cones to my feelings, that’s when it gets really hard. When I do try to express my feelings to her, she gets defensive, tells me I am crazy or too sensitive. She comes up with every excuse known to man to not have sex, the list goes on. Yes, I do admit I am not perfect, but she expects me to be.
      One time, I wasn’t slicing the tomatoes the “right” way and she got into this big lecture towards me about using the wrong knife…the wrong knife!
      Lately it is cooking rice, a couple times I didn’t cook the rice just the “right” way and she lectured me about that!
      I finally told her I wasn’t cooking the rice anymore.
      You would think that she would be thankful and show me and my “stupid” feelings some respect, but no, if I question her and stand my ground a bit, she tells me to go see a counselor!
      We had been talking about going on a vacation but after a few times of having to put it off for a few weeks, she told me that she didn’t want to bother her boss about changing the times once again for going on the trip, and asking for days off again, so we should just wait awhile and plan to go later on. Then the next week, she asks for time off and gets it, so she can go to her sisters for her nephews wedding. I tried to express my feelings about this whole thing, how it seemed like a double standard, and she told me I was talking crazy, and that I was wrong.

  • I love this. It’s beautiful and so true. I have been blessed to be married for over 36 years, but there was a time when I didn’t appreciate the gift my husband is…and I nearly lost him. Praise God, He restored our marriage and I am celebrating our life together…dirty laundry and all!

  • After 41 years of marriage and nine kids, I can say that growing out of being a “butthole wife” is a great adventure! (I had to begin that journey after we got saved ten years into our marriage!) My dh has bone marrow cancer, could live a long or a short time as God allows, and I am reminded every day what a treasure he is. I look for ways I can serve him now. This blog needed to be written, and I’m glad you did.

  • The thing about nagging is….it would never happen if the person asked to do the [reasonable] thing would just do it in the first place. It doesn’t make the woman a “butthole” because her family won’t respect her household and take care of it the same, simple way she does. I’m sorry she lost someone, but also sorry that she feels she has to disregard her feelings about the home she probably worked so hard to build, and label herself a “butthole” because she feels guilty.

    • Yes, entirely correct. If every person just did exactly what their spouses considered reasonable at all times, there would be no reason to nag.

      Unfortunately, most people have their own set of expectations and thoughts as to what things are important, and what things are reasonable, and expecting someone to change their behaviors and match your ideals perfectly and nagging at them when they don’t is disrespectful, and abrasive. And it is not ‘her’ household, but ‘theirs’.

      If you want people to change the behaviors you desire, there are better ways to go about it- ask them to do it based on how you feel about the matter, not about them, reward them with praise and attention when they get it right, and try not to be too unpleasant when they make mistakes. It’ll be far more productive.

      • So if I ask my husband to please not leave his dirty underwear next to the hamper because I feel like it’s disrespectful to me, and then praise him when he “gets it right”, instead of simply asking him to put it in the hamper, am I no longer a “butthead”?

      • Unless he’s doing it on purpose out of malice, that is correct. Most of the time people’s behavior is more realistically attributable to ignorance or apathy than any ill purpose- and you feeling like its out of disrespect is most likely taking offense where it isn’t intended: in this you acknowledge that your reaction- your feeling of being disrespected- does not necessarily reflect his intentions, but it is important to you.

        And when someone attempts to change their behavior to better accommodate your wishes, you should greet that with appreciation, understanding that they are trying to please you- which will in turn encourage them to try to do it again, and better.

        Mind just asking someone to put something in a hamper and offering a thanks can be appropriate to, but I was given to the impression this was more dealing in habitual behaviors, and in particular expecting people to meet your wishes and being frustrated when they don’t.

    • …her household? She worked so hard to build? No. She was married. It was their household. If she wasn’t working outside the home then there’s no reason to be upset about his laundry. If she was working outside the home then I bet there are things he did that she didn’t. She probably doesn’t put as much weight on the word butthole as you think she does. Ever heard don’t sweat the small stuff?

      • Pretty much all your posts just say, “I’m a misogynistic, chauvinistic guy who doesn’t appreciate what it means to “love your wife as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her”.

      • You’re now searching the thread for my name and replying to my comments. I think the nagging thing is spot on and it’s too close to home for you.

      • Don’t flatter yourself. I just think all your comments are misogynistic, chauvinistic and outright rude. I pity your wife (if you actually have one).

      • Well, I’m convinced that you’re a woman, so you have to be right about me being misogynistic, chauvanistic, and outright rude (which you could never be since you’re a woman). After all, only women can decide what is misogynistic, chauvanistic, and rude. Men should learn to just shut up and bow to the more capable and morally superior modern women, right?

  • Also…a pile of laundry being a gift from God? Now a load of laundry put away by your kids and husband…THAT’S a gift from God! And it’s definitely something I haven’t seen yet! :’D

    • Oh boy you jokingly called em dingbats on their disposition. Don’t you know you’re supposed to be perfect! Oh wait, there was only ever One perfect person.

    • Most of us “dingbats” understand the message; we simply disagree with her calling us “buttheads” for asking our husbands to pick up after themselves.

      • What they mean is the socks represent something she considered inconsequential in the grand scheme things and coming to this realization she gained better prospective on what was important in her relationship and changed her approach in dealing with these things she deems frivolous. Point being while socks may not be that to you by reflecting on your relationship and finding the things that you actually may consider relatable and changing the ways you react you may find large improvements in day to day life of yourself and your significant other at comparably small cost. I like the message although I think laundry being the “trigger” word has caused it to be lost to an extent.

      • Again, we understand the deeper meaning, and that it’s not about laundry, per se. What some of us take exception to is the idea that it’s wrong to ask your partner to stop doing something that irritates you or makes your life more difficult, and if you do, you’re a “butthead”, because at some point they won’t be there to “nag”.

      • No, you clearly do NOT understand. It’s about picking your battles. I know this isn’t possible, but just pretend that there is some little something that your husband doesn’t like about you. Is it okay for him to bring it up multiple times per day and even after you’ve corrected it? Maybe, but it’s dumb. It’s not helpful. In the same way, it’s not helpful to your relationship when you do it. Is the little thing more important, or the relationship. It’s a binary choice. They cannot be equal.

      • My husband and I are perfectly comfortable having open conversations about the things that bother us. We’re okay with the other one pointing out something that drives us nuts or creates more work. It’s not always a pleasant conversation, but we’d rather be honest with each other than be frustrated in silence for years. Amazing that you ASSume that I bring up things “multiple times per day and even after” I’ve corrected it. But hey, keep making those incorrect ASSumptions.

  • Sorry her husband died, super sad. But what is it with women these days who can’t even handle doing the jobs they were designed to do?? Guy gets home from work (doing things like engineering & manufacturing a washing machine that makes a woman’s life easier), supporting all the financial needs of the family, sacrificing his finite life dealing with the worst of the worst of human strangers who don’t care 2 licks about him, and the wife whines he’s not doing his half of the laundry and dishes!! Appalling. Make home a sanctuary for the poor guy! That’s your JOB. You signed up for it! Women today are worse than worthless…they no longer ease burdens and give him some incentive to be his best, they avoid his sexual satisfaction, they make men miserable. Horrible Christian witness 🙁

    • Yikes. Way to set the women’s rights movements back by about 100 years. Being a man’s servant is no more a woman’s JOB than infantilizing a woman by being her sole provider is a man’s JOB. We’re equal, and partners should share equally in the work.

      • Yeah, we’re totally equal. Let me list all the ways: we have the same body mass composition, the same sexual organs, the same hormone balances, the same thought processes, the same emotional disposition, the same ability to give birth, the same track record of major inventions, the same adams apple, the same average height, the same facial hair, the same average IQ, we can sell the same amount of products we advertise for, the same capability of performing construction, mechanic, engineering, building, hard manual labor, military, law enforcement, etc. jobs and we have an equal number of genders in those careers (I’ll give you a little hint too: businesses and gov institutions are forced to hire women for diversity not merit).

        “Women’s rights” is the stupidest worst thing that ever happened, and people still defend it like we’re really “””equal””” LOL wow. We are so NOT equal. We have different “jobs”, different talents, different places. Only a selfish, prideful woman, or an effeminate or homosexual man is blind to the obvious differences and inequality of men and women.

      • Wow. If this is the nonsense you learn from your “religion” keep it the hell away from me. I hope you walk around in long dresses with your head covered if you believe this garbage you’re spewing. Either that or you’re a G.I.R.L. (guy in real life) using a fake account to troll. I refuse to believe any woman in the 21st century in the western world would write garbage like this believing your “job” is little more than to be suzy q. homemaker, barefoot and pregnant. You’re stereotyping your entire gender by about 75 years.

      • I made zero reference to having any religion whatsoever. But I’m glad you at least addressed the issues I raised.

      • You realize that you’re overgeneralizing to the point of the absurd, right? For instance, which sex has the higher IQ? Which is the better salesperson? Can women not be engineers, or be in law enforcement or the military? And your line about “businesses and gov institutions are forced to hire women for diversity not merit”? Simply demeaning to any woman who had the audacity to work hard in her career (what, BTW, should she do if not married?) Having different strengths does not make us unequal; it makes us different. “In Christ there is NO male or female”. ALL are equal in the eyes of God. To say women are somehow “less” is to ignore God’s word on the subject.

  • I absolutely get that we should not focus on our mate’s “flaws” or constantly remind him that he’s letting us down ,etc. And I completely agree that there are more important things than clothes on the floor, or dirty dishes left in the wrong places. Our focus should be on building one another up, keeping our own flaws front in center so we will remember that none of us are perfect. We should all have an “I’m sorry,” on tap, prepared to use it and prepared to avoid repeating the action we’re apologizing for. Life is short. Go on more dates, let the dishes sit a little (or a lot) longer. Listen to one another, even if you’re not all that into what the other one is talking about.

    But there’s more to it than that. It isn’t okay for him to take you for granted, to assume you’re going to clean up behind him (or not think about it at all). Just as it’s not okay for you to treat him like he’s a child or constantly remind him of his faults. Or wait for him to do things that you can do for yourself just because he’s “the man.” If picking up his dirty laundry isn’t an act of love for you, then don’t do it. Ask him to pick up his own laundry–make it his act of love.

    There is nothing wrong with saying, “This bothers me.” But it is wrong to focus all your energy on correcting or “fixing’ him. And it takes courage to talk to one another about the things that are driving you crazy, to explain that you feel taken advantage of or taken for granted. When you say, “Please don’t do that” his response should not be an eye roll or a false promise. But it works both ways. You need to hear him too. You need to recognize his limits too. Pick your battles.

  • Wonderful read, sorry you have to deal with the miserable trolls on your comments. Thank you for sharing

  • Ha! You butthole wives that are making the biggest stink are the biggest butthole wives… you know who you are you heffers.

  • Thank you for writing this. It really describes me. I have so many regrets with the way I treated my husband before he died. I feel as if I failed him and God. I pray that if I’m given the chance to love again, I will be a better wife.

  • You’re a lady: Some words are unbecoming of a lady. A wife is to love and submit herself to her husband, and the husband is to love and give himself sacrificially for his wife as Christ gave himself for the Church. The Bible says that when one spouse is not doing right, the other is to do their part anyway, to be an example to them so they will be influenced to do better; no matter which one it is.. Because a healthy family thrives off of service, submission, love, encouragement and forgiveness. Never “defraud” your spouse in the bedroom: that’s in the Bible too. If something your spouse does aggravates you, deal with them in love and forgiveness. See Proverbs 31: It’s not just about a “virtuous woman”: it’s a picture of a family which lives on love, submission, trust, respect, freedom, praise and honor.

      • He is for real. It is biblical. Submit doesn’t mean she comes running every time he rings a little bell.

      • I know it is biblical and it is one of the stupidest things in the Bible. Any man who believes his wife should serve and submit to him wants her to come running like a slave. No thank you. I have more respect for myself that ever allowing any person to control me!

      • The fact that you think it’s stupid, and that women are supposed to be slaves, means that you don’t actually understand what submission means. It’s okay if you don’t use the Bible as your “instruction manual”; however, please realize that for the vast majority of Christians who do, the idea of submission is nothing like what you’re stating.

      • I know what submission means, and I also know that when someone takes exception to it, people say: “It doesn’t mean THAT.” Women are NOT supposed to be slaves. Neither should men. I have more respect for myself than to believe something so stupid. The Bible as an instruction manual for life today?? Only if one picks and chooses what one wants to follow!! No thanks!!

      • I wasn’t trying to be rude; however, when you keep using the word “slave”, it’s clear that your understanding of Biblical submission is off-base. And if you choose not to accept the Bible, that’s fine. No one is forcing you to. However, for Christians who believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, it is our guidebook for life, and we don’t get to pick and choose what we want to follow. I respect your decision to not believe it; perhaps you could show a little respect for those who do.

      • I show lots of respect for all people except when it comes to one person taking advantage of another. Clearly the writer of this blog does not feel that way so who am I to say otherwise? I know lots about the Bible and my opinion of it is not way off base. Again, the “it doesn’t mean that.” Submit is rather clear in Christianity. No thanks to that part of it. I sure don’t believe the Bible is the inspired word of God but there are so interesting parts to and I do go to church. And I didn’t think you were being rude at all.

      • I didn’t think you were rude at all. And I know what the word submission means. And I know what people who follow the Bible exactly think it means. It still means mean a man has control over the woman, even if she give him the control. So, no freaking way!! I sure don’t believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God at all but it does have some interesting things in there. I do read it occasionally when I go to church. I also understand that the writer of this blog doesn’t care what I think.

      • No it is not stupid. You apparently do not know or understand the context of the scripture. It is not about letting a man control you. It is not telling you to be a slave to your husband. sounds like your lack knowledge of the scriptures.

      • Yes, it is stupid. My opinion, obviously. That scripture is stupid, as well as a lot of other parts of the Bible. My understanding of it (according to you) make no difference. When people take exception it and say ‘no freaking thanks’ then people just say, “Oh you don’t understand it.” You are free to live in that kind of world but No Freaking Way for me!

  • i can understand that you feel so guilty because he died, but still he had responsibilities. you don’t
    have to be so cruel to yourself, you
    were probably right when you were “nagging”. dying does not make him a perfect human being, he still had to clean up after himself, just like you, just like how every human being should. he should’ve been a better husband, after all, you’re god’s gift to him too.

  • This was a sweet, sincere post and I’m sure your husband wouldn’t call you a butthole. In the grand scheme of things it’s so easy to get caught up in the mundane. Like you, I’m trying, still failing a lot, to choose love over pettiness. Ignore the negativity–just part of the territory. <3 Eternal rest grant unto your husband.

  • I think the roles must be reversed in my marriage. I totally agree as the “messy” one. It’s such an insult to me to be providing for my family and working over 80 hours a week as a resident physician after four years of medical school only to come home and have my husband complain about my clothes on the floor without bothering to acknowledge the fact that I am working my hiney off to provide for the two of us. Who the heck cares that I didnt have time to clean my side of the room? I’m not saying to live in complete filth, I’m saying that it’s a slap in the face to your spouse to not recognize that they simply have a different personality. If they’re actually working hard, suck it up and hang their clothes up yourself, as you’re the only one who cares about something that useless. It’s clothes, not money.

    We honestly have a great relationship (everyone has their quirks), but boy do I understand the hurt and frustration your husbands experience.

    • I forgot to add this: I’m only directing this towards those on here who are continuing to call their husbands lazy. I love my husband so much despite our differences. I am so sorry for your loss, and this isn’t anything you need to blame yourself for at all.

  • I am ever learning.

    And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9.
    I am very thankful for this truth.

  • I couldn’t get passed the first paragraph lol my husband does the laundry more than me and I initiate sex more than him. (As in daily)

    I HATE contemporary Christian stereotypes more than anything!!

    Not all wife’s don’t know how to orgasm or enjoy their sensuality and not all husbands are slobs.

    This stuff drives me nuts.

    Now I will force myself to read the entire thing to try to get SOMETHING out of it. . .

    Hahahaha still didn’t get anything. We both know how to use a hamper and a washer machine. And I have HELPMATE tattooed on my neck. I’ve never once thought of it as an excuse to nag. Never once. It means serve, edify and exhort.

    Maybe those husbands are just lazy and those wife’s just don’t enjoy sex.

    • Well said, if you don’t like sex, don’t marry a sexual person. If you are obsessed with cleanliness (and I do think you can be pathologically and unhealthily obsessed with it), don’t marry someone who isn’t. Don’t be so selfish that you seek to change someone to suit your own purposes.

  • Super powerful and poignant! Thank you for being so bold to share and inspire, tears rolling down my cheek. Needed to read this at this moment, a divine appointment!

  • I probably would have had some nice things to say about this post, but instead I am left wondering if I am the only person remaining who thinks that a Christian post can get the job done without the use of crude language. Does everyone now think this is ok? I had no idea that anatomical adjective insults were a thing among Christian people now.

  • There seems to be an abundance of opinions on either side of this, and I guess I would say I fall somewhere in between… I have been married 17 years and my husband does precious little in the way of housework. Of course I do none of the yard work and he frequently details our vehicles (mine gives him a workout) I used to get upset (and every once in awhile I still get frustrated) but I long ago determined that the things he gives me are much more than the few pieces of dirty laundry and a dish or two. He gives me love, patience, full control of every dollar (even when I dont work) implicit trust, raised my children as his own and never nit picks at me about much if anything at all. Him not picking up his socks or wearing dirty boots in the house is not enough to give him up or cause constant strife. I ask him to help sometimes, but never nag and he usually does whatever I ask.

  • God forgive if any of you ladies become disabled and no longer able to do much at all. Our worth and good wifyness doesn’t depend on whether we do laundry

      • No, it doesn’t. I’ve been the main breadwinner since my husband was laid off several years ago, and I value, love and respect him as much now as when he worked full time.

      • Here’s the thing. It’s important to have an identity of worth as a wife or husband even if you can’t fulfill traditional expectations. It doesn’t make you less of a wife or husband. I worry these people sometimes lose sight of that

  • That was perfectly beautiful…thank you for sharing your story and example! I’m off to go look at the piles around my home in gratitude.

  • I lost my husband 3 years ago. The pain of having to go through his things to either donate or throw out was great. And I see where she is coming from. My husband did most of the housework while I worked since I worked a midnight shift and he as a stay at home dad. The many times I wish I could go back and be more of a helpmate to him.

  • I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and thrilled to hear you’ve found somebody else to love.

    For those of us who aren’t there yet with the “butthole wife” situation, biggest thing is to not nag or roll your eyes, but to actually communicate what you need. It’s crazy, but it took me 13 or so years to learn this. Don’t pretend to be asleep and simply talk about the issue head on. As for laundry, if it’s something you really have to have, then honestly and calmly tell your husband how you feel when you see it, and ask if he would be willing to try to do it different in the future. About 3 years ago we decided to start actually communicating as adults, and WHOA it’s made a massive difference in our marriage and our friendship.

  • I reversed everything you wrote and I applied it to the things that drive me crazy as a man. I’m imagining her gone and wishing I had those pesky things back.
    I hate being late and my wife will always show up fashionably late. I realized after 17 years she wants to look good not just for them but for me. Now I just wait an hour to get ready and when she’s ready, she’s ready. I’m starting to tell her how beautiful she looks too. I’m light years away from the days when I used to sulk about being late. But back to your point: if she passed, I would let her be 2 hours late just to have her back — thanks for the wake-up call.

  • Amen! I lost my husband 2 years ago and have had similar regrets. I am thankful you have found someone to share your love with.

  • It is amazing how we come to appreciate the things/people in life that we take for granted, once they are gone. I wouldn’t nag, but I also wouldn’t just let him do whatever he wants without at least attempting to improve his bad habit. I’d encourage an alternative or come up with an idea…example, have a laundry basket in the room he usually throws his clothes. I had to give my hubby a piece of reality once when he got mad at me for being a little particular with how I fold clothes. I just stopped folding his and laid them on a pile on his side of the bed. At first he acted like he didn’t care and I think it still doesn’t particularly bother him to have his clean clothes all wrinkled up in a pile, but he now understands why I want mine folded or hung up. It’s just different preferences.

  • My very special husband of 15 years died 6 months ago. It was a second marriage for each of us and we did not allow small inconsequential issues to have energy in our union. He was the spark that I had never known who taught me to laugh, to be silly and spontaneous, and to be a true and good friend. He gifted me with love, compassion, empathy, and every good and perfect gift from the human heart and soul. It was my pleasure to return to him the same kindness he showed me daily. Do not allow yourself to ‘husband bash with others as it diminishes you, him and your life together. Accept his imperfections as he does yours, build him up rather than tear him down. Work, play and travel together, talk often, say all those important words and never take for granted how beautiful love can be if two people are fully and completely invested into each other.

  • I do not understand how a well meaning and heart felt article such as this could be misconstrued to be so threatening. She is just saying she wishes she had appreciated her husband more while he was alive and not made life so adversarial. Good grief.

  • I harped on the ex about this same thing, one of the reasons he left. New hubby does leave his clothes in a pile when he undresses. I have learned to ask if he will be wearing the jeans/shorts again before I pick them up for the wash. He is home maybe 48 hours total a week as a OTR driver. I have learned to leave him sleep the first day he is home. The second day, is when we get the yard mowed or work on the car. Because of the divorce I learned to pick my battles. Laundry is not one of them. A non working car or washing machine, sure, but not laundry.

  • beautifully said. If something happened to my husband, I think I would miss his dirty laundry and other things that seem to annoy me at times. This article was good reminder for me to maybe not look at things so negatively. There’s been a lot of times I’ve told him of his shortcomings-and often not in the kindest way- but he will rarely tell me mine. Not that he doesn’t speak up or holds himself back, but he is more patient than I am. I’d like to be patient like that, and look for opportunities to serve him like he does for me. He’s done our laundry a lot and does help out-he’s a great teammate. The article reminded me that I’d like to be a good teammate that is patient like he is with me and to be more grateful.

  • Thank you for this. I get caught up in the little things day to day. I suffer from anxiety so when things aren’t a certain way they really eat at me. You opened my eyes and I have bookmarked your post as “Important Reminder” for me to look at when I am being petty and taking him for granted. I am truly so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life. He really has done nothing but love me and never really asks much of me other than to love him. I truly love him and I hope that my words don’t make him ever doubt that. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable in your post. It has allowed me to see the flaws in my ways and I will truly try to be better.

  • To the author – please stop calling yourself names, It only reflects your low self-esteem. You had every right to accept your husband to act like a grown adult and pick up after himself. He wanted to do ‘adult’ things, right? Then he should act like an adult. Please don’t buy into that concept ‘the ‘nagging (or as you say it – butthole) wife. Women do not nag. Women ASK. Over and over and over again. If a man truly loves his wife, he would GLADLY make her life easier by doing the ‘small’ stuff. And doing it with joy.

  • Thank you for sharing this! I haven’t had the chance to look at your blog more, but your story resonates with me. My first husband died from leukemia in 2012, and I remarried in 2014. It’s been a deep blessing to see my second husband step in as a dad, and I’m thankful God has provided a caring man for your family in the wake of loss.

    Your point about living with grace towards others, cherishing every day with them, is definitely a good reminder for me as I begin to homeschool my son, who is almost seven now, and as I pick up all the discarded food chunks and random objects left around the house by my one-year-old daughter!

  • There’s
    a lot of butt hurt women replying. You don’t know the authors whole story. MAybe he worked 9 hours a day with a one hour commute each way. Maybe she didn’t work. If that’s the case then pick up his laundry. It’s not that hard.

    If his dirty laundry in the floor bothers you then don’t pick it up but don’t nag about it either. It is nagging and it is not asking.

    If you think you are perfect and your man hasn’t no complaints about you you are wrong. If he hasn’t expressed these frustrations to you be glad he does t nag you about it. Also, if you are not a Christian then don’t judge her according to your values because you do not share the same values as her.

    • The “butt hurt women replying” all have stories that you don’t know. Maybe THEY work 9 hour days with an hour commute. Maybe the husband doesn’t work. Maybe they both do. Maybe they have a special needs child that requires extra attention, meaning they could use a little help from their husband (or at least one that doesn’t make things worse). I have asked my husband to please not leave his dirty underwear next to the hamper in the bathroom, as it sets a bad example for our son, and creates more work. That’s not nagging, that’s asking for a little common courtesy.And none of us are claiming to be perfect. My husband and I are open with each other about the things that drive us crazy, because open dialogue allows for resolution of problems. We, as Christians, pray together regularly for our marriage, and for each other, because we realize that while God brought us together, He didn’t take away our individual personalities.

      • I don’t disagree with you. This is pretty much what I’ve been saying. Too many variables but in the end no matter the circumstances you choose your mood.

  • We can be right or we can in a relationship. The two do not co-exist. Being right shows no respect and a relationship shares one thoughts and feelings. While the later is hard to accept it can be done. To change bad behavior by setting rules with your spouse is being right, while being clear about your thoughts and feelings is a relationship. It comes to what makes you happy in a relationship. If you believe you want to be right, then it is not a relationship and if you are not happy then you need to ask yourself “Am I with my spouse/significant other that is in the best interest of my happiness?” It is how we handle the situation that we have to acknowledge and that is the ability to validate ones feelings. The hardest part is our ability recognize our feelings and the ability to share with our spouse/significant other those feelings. Instead, we attack the bad behavior, as in the case, of the dirty laundry on the floor, which reacts with bad behavior, as in the case, nagging at the husband. A relationship allows for us to safely share those thoughts with each other, while being right does not provide a safe environment to share. It takes time to separate the two as what is right and what is a relationship. The best test is the happy test. Overall, if you are happy with your spouse/significant other, then most likely you are in a relationship; however, if you believe you must be right, then most likely you may be unhappy or you are unhappy with your spouse/significant other. A relationship as in this case will find a solution to the dirty laundry on the floor, while being right will create a rule without validating each other on the issue. My guess, it makes the wife mad when the husband leaves his dirty laundry on the floor. She needs to share it in a safe way so the husband knows his wife is mad when he leaves his dirty laundry on the floor. She can be mad at her husband for leaving his dirty laundry floor, which is totally different than nagging at her husband for leaving his dirty laundry on the floor.

  • Sorry for this widow’s loss. I get the shocking perspective of the other. But, I don’t think it is a good plan to persuade anyone by calling them a buthole wife. We are women, called by Jesus to be about his work. That is not necessarily picking up after a grown up man. That is not Gods work, that is not speaking to others about the goodnews. God did not put me here for that express purpose of being my husband’s servant. I am not a but hole wife for refusing to pick up laundry. I am a complete individual with a healthy respect for myself and love for God. My husband will die like me. I will die like him. We don’t get to parlay our personal tragedies into some false authority on life. Not a buthole wife, not a door mat, not going to pick up dirty clothes, not going to feel bad about it when he is gone and very sorry for this gal’s loss. I
    have to come back and comment that the title is common and classless and stupid and degrading. Don’t drag down God by calling out women and putting the word but hole in the thing. That is sinful and degrading!

    • Do you keep your tires properly inflated? Do you share equally the yard work? Do you keep the fluids in your vehicles motor maintained? Do you work outside the home? Picking up laundry doesn’t make you a door mat. If you do it with the right heart then it absolutely is doing Gods work. If you are not doing with the right heart then you know what the problem is.

      • Dont care about your social arrangement w your spouse and mine is nonya! Girlfriend does not get a pass w me to call out strong women (especially as butt holes) for raising the red flag on laundry. It ain’t her right or place. God bless her for her loss, but it does not give her the platform for calling other women butt hole. It is wrong, stupid, and childish.

      • Read your last sentence. It completely describes your comments. Wrong, stupid, and childish. Yep Joyce, you ironically nailed your own comments perfectly.

      • It’s her blog. If you don’t like it then don’t read it. If read it and get offended it’s because you choose to be offended. Let me break it down for you since you are hung up on one word. She is simply saying you can choose to be bothered if you want or you can choose to be happy. Dirty laundry in the floor is not a big deal. If it is to you then it is a you problem.

      • I didn’t read what u said, get over yourself, go pick up dirty clothes troll! Praying for ya! Thanks for not calling me a butt hole!

    • Yes she does get to call whoever she wants. She’s not claiming to be perfect. Stop focusing on the word butthole and focus on the message. Which is you can waste time being unhappy and bitter about things that really aren’t that important or you can accept him for his imperfections as he should accept yours. You get to choose if you want to be bothered by laundry in the floor.

  • Fantastic article! Similar experience for me. I actually missed those socks crumpled on the floor and vowed to not be bothered by such petty things if I married again. Here I am now, married again and three years into it, haven’t said anything about his laundry on the floor. It reminds me I have a husband. Thank you!

  • So many of you are missing the point of this post. #1 it’s a blog. This is 1 woman’s story of self reflection and growth. She’s not saying all men don’t pick up after themselves. She’s not saying all women nag about it. This post isn’t even about woman vs. man. This is 1 woman’s beautiful reflection of how God revealed herself to her and how she was able to grow in unconditional love. She’s encouraging us to examine ourselves and to not be so entangled in the cares of life that you forget or neglect to appreciate those around you and to show love more. God’s love is unconditional. He doesn’t fuss, complain, belittle or talk down when we do not do things His (the correct) way. He does not resort to name calling (“selfish child”), but through LOVE and KINDNESS he draws us near. His grace and mercy is undeserving yet He extends it daily.

    And just to touch on the comments regarding being messy…..Truth be told, no one should expect a behavior or habit to change with marriage. If they were messy before marriage, then odds are they’ll be messy after marriage. Is marriage or any relationship for that matter built upon a list of expectations or is it built on complete pure honest agape love that no matter what may come or go…. the love, appreciation, admiration, respect etc. remains?

    • But she’s using emotional appeal to try to get us to change our behavior. So, this is not just about her, its about women being treated like the maid and then being a bad person for not liking it.

      • Where does it say you can not use emotional appeal? God uses emotion (love, compassion) to get us to change our behaviors. Humans are not computers. We are designed to be moved by emotion. For example: I love God, therefore I strive daily to obey him. In fact, God tells us to serve him with our whole heart, body, and mind. She made a personal post to encourage others. Isn’t that what every story in the Bible does? Job’s personal story encourages us to have patience and to remain faithful; while Paul’s story encourages us to serve God w/ everything with in us, to be steadfast, unmovable, abounding in the work of the Lord, spreading the gospel to all who have an ear; Lazarus’ personal story encourages us to never forget how there is nothing to hard for God; and Jesus’ personal story encourages us to love, to show compassion, to forgive, to accept him as our personal savior. There is a personal story in every book of the Bible that is designed specifically to uplift, enlighten, and encourage.

      • Even if you take out the emotional appeal, this article has problems. Using juvenile terms like butthole because you can’t bring yourself to use the swear word is one of them. A bigger problem is that this is very demeaning language for something that could be solved with better communication skills. The fact that it is laundry is trivial. Women tend to “nag” because they don’t feel like they are being heard. Rather than trying to guilt people into change, why not offer positive solutions that could make their relationships better, rather than expecting women to be the ones who make the change. Telling women to just stop it isn’t going to work…the problems will show up in other areas. As a therapist I’ve seen it happen…

  • Wow, some of you just don’t get it. This wasn’t about sharing responsibility in marriage, or being someone’s maid, or not. Wake up!! This was about a change in perspective, a paradigm shift. I used to get so annoyed when I heard babies cry and get fussy. But then we had a baby who lived for 15 hours and then died, never once making so much as a whimper. I so wanted to hear my baby cry, as much as he wanted to. Now I long to hear babies cry, and fuss and be alive. My whole perspective changed because of the experience I lived through. Debbie, thank you for sharing your experience with us. Some of us got it!

  • This has nothing to do with God. Women, stop being bitches. Guys, stop being dicks. Everyone will be happier in the end. Amen.

  • I don’t agree with this at all. You’re writing from the perspective of someone who misses her husband…yet in life, not respecting your partner/house is incredibly disrespectful. If my husband asks me to do something for him, I’ll do it, and same goes for him. I’m not his mother, I don’t have to excuse away behavior just because I’ll miss him if he passes away. Stop shaking your finger at people and name calling because you regret your own actions.

    • And you’re missing the point that you’re not respecting your husband if you’re running after him to nag him about picking up clothes while he’s trying to fulfill the role of being a good father by playing with his kids.

      • ……no, what I’m gathering from the article is that the author is doing what many people do after losing a loved one. Looking back and seeing things they could have done differently because they see it in a different light.

        By using your logic, how can his spouse be a good mother if she’s having to pick up after not only the kids, but the husband too? What’s so hard about pitching in and being equals in the relationship?

      • You’re equating being equals in a relationship with who does what jobs. That’s called false equivalency. And the answer is, she can be a good mother while she had the kids with her all day while he was at work.

      • While she’s also taking care of the house/everything else? A big part of marriage is listening to one another and lightening the other’s load.

  • I like the underlying message of the article, and also agree with many commenters that the act in and of itself of asking your partner to pick up after themselves or show respect for shared space in the home is not being a “butthole” wife (don’t like that term but I will roll with what was used by the writer). No more than a husband who manages the family finances and budget is a “butthole” husband for letting his wife know that spending changes need to be made on her part to better accommodate the finances. It’s not the act itself of reaching out to your partner concerning the things you take primary care of as a part of the division of labor in the relationship, and asking that a problem behavior be resolved or improved. It is managing the communication about those behaviors inappropriately and disrespectfully that determines whether someone is being a “butthole” spouse.

    What I worry about in how this author in particular presented what it means to be a jerk spouse is that it seems to reflect some outdated perspectives that women just need to close their mouths, smile, roll over, and not collaborate jointly with your spouse about how things can be better because somehow just the act of bringing up those issues makes you a bad wife. It isn’t just a black-and-white issue where you either address an issue cruelly with your spouse and put them down and are nitpicky or don’t address the issue at all. There are many shades of grey inbetween concerning how we can manage conversations about difficult topics concerning problem behaviors and our spouses.

    Many a time my husband and I have had conversations about behaviors he does that affect my quality of life and cause me stress. Many other times we have had conversations about behaviors I do that are negative that affect his quality of life. As loving spouses we should want to consult and collaborate as part of showing our love for each other. Because in the end, doing the behavior that has a simple resolution or alternative that currently causes your spouse pain or distress, and not caring to change that behavior, isn’t just not caring to pick up your socks, it’s not caring about your spouse’s feelings. It’s not just not caring about the family finances, in the end it’s really not caring about your spouse’s feelings and helping them to feel safe, comfortable, and validated in the relationship. It’s about the message underneath the action not the action itself. And that’s just as applicable to the messages beneath the words, tone, and method we use concerning how we address difficult issues with our spouses.

    I personally continually strive to find ways to be an improved human being not just for my beautiful husband’s sake but for my own sake as well. Lucky for me I have a spouse who shares those same values with me. It’s okay to collaborate and consult with your spouse about things that need to improve. It’s the tone and the method by which we address those issues that is where we can go wrong.

  • If she’s good with it, then it’s good for them and fine. I’m not that woman. Before I met my Ex, he lived alone, did his own laundry, cleaned his own house, and cooked his own meals. He even fixed things that were broken. Snap to 5 years later and oddly he seemed to forget HOW to do any of those things. He assumed that haviing a wife meant he no longer had to. I disagree completely. I worked full time, actually made a little bit more money than he did, then had to come home and literally do everything while he napped on the sofa. Um…no. I am not a slave. I am not your mother. I am supposed to be your partner, so if I can fold laundry at 10pm so tired I can barely move, you bloody well can too. That’s the thing, if a man worked as hard to KEEP a woman as he did to GET a woman, there would be a LOT more happy marriages! SOME are great…I just never found one that was single when I was! LOL

  • I’m not a perfect man, but I am good enough. This article described me and my Ex.. except I’m still alive.

    She nagged me to no end. Example: I once put up four pictures that had to line up perfectly. She came home and raged that they were off. I took out the laser level and showed her they were perfect, That made me even more wrong.

    We got divorced against my wishes. It turned out to be a gift from God to me. I saw her new husband, and he appears a beaten down man. I feel bad for him.

    One of those TV psychologists says: make sure you like eveything about the person you’re about to marry—because you won’t be able to change them.

  • thank you for this article – it was what i needed to hear this morning – because i am a butthole wife. It’s not about the dirty socks – it’s about nagging at the unnecessary things. Nicely written.

  • I loved this and I needed this. We forget to appreciate what we have until we lose it. I promise to do different. Because someday the things we dread will be the things we miss.

    • I’d have found it much more edifying if the author simply wrote something along the lines of, don’t sweat the small stuff, try to really hear what’s important to the other, don’t take any day for granted, and work TOGETHER to handle household tasks so that you have more time to spend together.

      What sticks in my craw is her assertion that women are being and should be of “service” to their partner by keeping silent and not expecting the partner to pull his weight. It was written in a way that suggests that to remain silent is somehow more godly and something to strive for. I completely disagree.

      It’s much better, in my opinion, for both partners to openly discuss needs and expectations.

      • But you’ve no problem with asserting that most men don’t pull their weight and should be chastised for it, right? And exactly what is that weight to be pulled? Do you pull your weight with fixing the car?

      • Where did you read that “most men don’t pull their weight and should be chastised for it”? And some of us ARE the ones who take care of the car. In fact, some of us (gasp) took care of ourselves with NO man to help us, before we got married, and we somehow managed to survive. I didn’t marry my husband because I needed him to do things for me, I married him because he is a godly Christian man who I love and respect deeply, who makes me laugh and is my partner in life.

  • My heart goes out to Debbie at the loss of her husband. What a horrible thing to have happen…it is one of my worst nightmares as my husband lost his dad at the age of 2.

    That being said, I take issues with the fact that wanting a husband to pick up his dirty clothes is wrong. Sure, you can be a jerk about it, but this is disrespectful. Women are often expected to do all the cleaning because we are women. Wanting that kind of behavior to stop does not make us nags.

    Using an appeal to emotion to get women to stop nagging their husbands is a logical fallacy. As a therapist, I see this as the need for a couple to learn better communication skills. If there is nagging, it is because someone is not feeling heard. This can easily be worked through in couples counseling.

    • Also, can we address the use of the word butthole. Its like a middle school version of an expletive. There’s no need to demean ourselves and call ourselves names. If you don’t want to nag, learning new communication skills is a much better alternative.

      • I’m not missing anything. I’m providing a different perspective. Just because it doesn’t align with yours is no reason to dismiss it altogether.

  • This clearly isn’t about laundry. Wifing in the way you’re describing is so far beyond the experience of most women these days that they can’t understand it, even when you show it to them. I found articles like these as offensive as the arguers in these comments for a lot of years. It occurred to me finally, and will to some of these offended some day, that as I am not his mother in the way of picking up his socks, conversely I am not his mother in the way of managing his behavior. I can’t have it both ways. And as I have accepted a job offer that I knew involved laundry in its various forms, I now have to decide if having to bend over (the horror!) every now and again is even worth noticing much less arguing about. It takes a lot more than a pair of dirty socks to make me feel disrespected or unappreciated now that I’ve grown up just a tiny bit. I feel so silly now when I think how I used to expect me and my expectations to be at the forefront of his thoughts, even while he was changing his clothes or peeing, so that he might never transgress and offend me. God complex, anyone?
    I’m grateful that I learned this while my husband is still here to stink the joint up and I’m grateful that you’re trying to teach what you’ve learned to others. I hope these angry sisters don’t discourage you from writing on this in the future. For every one of them, there’s another who’s realizing that things aren’t right in her home and looking for answers and hope. 

    • You really hit the nail on the head here. Feeling disrespected because your husband didn’t have your every expectation desire and whim at the forefront of his mind while he was trying to get changed and go play with the kids is just COMPLETELY childish and self centered. Can you later ask him to try and put clothes away when he changes? Sure. But nagging or being “disrespected” is just petty, childish , and COMPLETELY self centered (unfortunately how “modern” women are raised to be these days).

      • Feeling disrespected because your husband expects you to be his maid is the natural outpouring of being treated with disrespect by a husband who chooses to make his wife’s job more difficult. Expecting your wife to pick up your dirty socks because you were too lazy to go the extra foot to put them in the hamper is equally childish and self-centered, especially when she has asked politely that you do it, as a way of helping her out. It’s amazing how some men believe that it’s their wife’s “Christian duty” to wait on them hand and foot, to clean up their messes, and to do it all with a smile of gratitude for their “man”, yet the man never bothers to show any appreciation for the work that wife does to make his life easier.

      • See, that’s exactly the problem with modern women – reading into EVERYTHING. You’re assuming things that your husband feels a certain way. Go yell at him for it. He has no idea what you’re talking about because you’re assuming the worst, and it has nothing to do with what actually happened.

      • Trust me, you’d never have the privilege of marrying an intelligent woman who doesn’t need a man to do her thinking for her. But thanks for playing!

      • I just don’t see what the big deal is, is all. So sometimes there’s a bit extra to do or something to do that I don’t absolutely have to. I love him! And his socks. Who cares? I don’t put the seat back up for his convenience after I go and it doesn’t seem to bother him 🙂 Everyone wants the Golden Rule, they just don’t want to be the one to have to go first. “I will… if he will…” gets you lots of brownie points with the empowerment crowd but, as the author can testify, the knowledge that you stood on your “rights” is pretty cold comfort. Funny, the ones scorning that truth are the ones who haven’t lost yet. Red flag, sisters.

      • The same people think it’s a sin against nature to say ‘I will if … if she will xx first.” It’s wrong BOTH ways and will get you nowhere except alone and bitter. You can either show God’s grace and forgiveness in your marriage or you can show Satan’s revenge. I think one plan provides a clearly superior trajectory for your future than the other.

  • So because my husband may die, I should have no expectations that he will help me in the house chores? Quit spreading the notion that asking for someone do their fair share is being a “butthole” or “nagging”.

  • I think that some may be missing the point. I’m divorced now because I was married to a woman that was controlling and manipulative. She didn’t realize it either, but at every turn she was trying to shape and mold me into the perfect man or what she wanted me to be.

    I worked two jobs, provided for my family, helped with all the chores and was there emotionally and physically.

    However because it wasn’t done her way it was seemingly never enough.

    To me this article is less about who does what chores or who picks up after who, it’s a reminder about loving, cheerishing and excepting each other as equals and partners in Christ. And learning this lesson before it’s too late.

  • I think many of you are missing the point. She used the laundry situation as an example of how we don’t miss our water until the well runs dry. Married people spend way too much time fault finding and finger pointing. We have our own issues but won’t address them we just blame the other person and say well you are doing this that and the other.

    When you took your vows you said I’m with you in the best of times and in the worst of times. I was listening to a commentary on marriage and what was said was married people spend thousands of dollars for wedding ceremony and celebrating. If you took a look at the real person inside the nice tuxedo and beautiful dress would run away from you if they could because what they have to cover up is so ugly on the inside of the person wearing the garment.

    God has a way of showing you what you need to work on through the actions of your spouse. The Bible says in several different ways that it is better for man to live alone than with a nagging woman. I only bring this up because the author is talking about the subject.

  • All of you people who say, im not his maid or mother, you dont get what this article is really about.. let the little things go.. they arent worth the wasted time. Life is too short, and before you know it, it passes you by.

  • A lot of people reading this – miss the point ! As a construction worker, for years my wife woke me up standing by our bed, handing ma a cup of coffee and a cigarette. many times I was driving 1 hr. + to work then back, working 10 -12 hr days, 6 to 7 days a week. As I left the door she handed ma breakfast to eat on the drive, and a kiss bye. After these 14 are more work days, I came home after spending day in snow, freezing weather. froze.She put out clean clothes for ma and often drew me a bath. What a god send, after 57 years I would not trade her for anything,Still happy and yes I treat her with respect and help her to.

    • They used to call themselves “homemakers” for a reason. America has completely rid itself of taking pride in a woman’s ability to create a HOME. It’s just about decoration and order now.

  • I have the opposite problem. A husband who feels compelled to correct and point out every right way . It is exhausting and crushing to be on the receiving end of constant ” pointing out ways to improve” if you are either partner, and are guilty of this, PLEASE STOP. It is destructive, crushing and definitely NOT an example of God’s love.

  • I get it to ditch picking up after yourself to spend time with family but what about pure laziness just don’t do anything for himself?? I work daily and come home to him on his computer playing games and even after I’m home or kids are home from school or work he’s still in there. Dishes, garbage and clothes just left wherever they were put. Do i still need to believe that it’s a blessing in disguise?

  • This is disturbing. Feeling ignored and frustrated because your partner doesn’t pick up after himself or respond to you when you ask him to remember (is he an adult nor a child?) is not being a butthole. Now, you can choose better and worse ways to deal with that frustration, but my goodness, the author certainly assumes a whole lot of unhealthy things about marriage and how husbands should treat wives.

    I’m delighted for her that she has a loving second marriage, but I really wish she wouldn’t use a quiet threat (won’t you feel terrible if your husband dies) to guilt women out of wanting to be treated like they and their work–yes, even when doing laundry–matter.

  • I’m sorry for your loss. I think your writing is excellent and engaging.

    Perhaps you meant for a different message, but the message that I understood is, “Don’t ask him to do chores or skip intercourse for a night (i.e. respect your needs), because he will die someday.”

    I think this message (even if you didn’t mean for it to come out) may be a dangerous message for some new mothers/wives. I wish it were acceptable for us to set limits, expectations, and express our wishes and needs without calling ourselves buttholes.

    • What? “Skip intercourse for a night”? Seriously? How about a few nights, a week, a few weeks, a month? How about realizing that after years of marriage you’ve worked your way UP to a big TWICE A MONTH? Wow, that’s passion!

  • Dang, it appears that people really missed the point on this article because they got caught up in the laundry task itself. I just want to pause and say thanks for your heart, Debbie! I understand that you’re not writing a treatise on mens/womens roles and who does what task. A quick look at your other posts reveals that you’re not saying the wife should be subservient and treated like a door mat by her husband! I appreciate the reminder to not let the small things eat away at your love and commitment. It’s easy to let the little stuff become big stuff and lose perspective. In any relationship, I’m guessing that both spouses do things that irritate each other – your heart to overlook offenses and not be a nag is a great one. Thanks for that reminder!

    • It appears that some women have taken exception to being called “buttheads” because they expect their husbands to show a little respect for them by not making tasks harder, and to set a good example for their children (especially if they have boys). Asking my husband (not “nagging”) to please try to put his dirty underwear in the hamper is not undermining his role as the head of the household; it is simply pointing out something he might not even be aware he’s doing, that will help me out a little.

  • I m sorry for your loss
    .
    2 years ?
    What a hottie you must be. Some women never get 1. Not many men want a woman with 4 kids.
    But what a butthole you both were if it was about laundry.
    Some women have real problems like porn, alcoholism, gambling addiction, abuse. But what butt hole keeps throwing his clothes on the floor.

  • Um. I like the idea of working together as a team and not constantly nagging someone for something so futile…BUT the message comes across as “do what ever your husband wants and grin and bare it or ruin the marriage.” It is all about balance. As a woman, sometimes I take for granted all the small thing my man does for me because I am so focused on everything he doesn’t. Like picking up his clothes, hanging wet towels on our four poster bed and NEVER doing the dishes. But without him I would be lost. He is the ying to my yang. There is so much more he does for me than what he doesn’t and finding the balance can be a journey. A life long one. However, the authors point of making him feel “respected, important, valued.” That’s truly beautiful. It is so simply, yet we as women get further and further away from such a simple way of life. When I look at the aging marriages around me, I cant help but notice that both parties are veering off the road of love and happiness and are starting down the road of nagging and insecurities. If we just revert back to the simple way, we could all be so much happier. We need to put each other first before all the little things that get in our paths on a day to day basis.

    • I agree that it’s all about balance, and how the message came across (at least to some of us). Our roles have been reversed as of late, with me working full time and him at home (in between temp and part-time jobs while he continues his job search). I do try to take time to focus on what he does right (he’s a great dad, a great cook, he takes care of the cars, and manages to keep the house “reasonably” clean); however, there are those little things that he does (like the underwear next to the hamper, rather than in it) that I do feel are okay to mention to him, because they bother me, and because they set a bad example for our son. Am I being a “butthead” nag when I do this? I didn’t think so, but this article certainly made me feel like that’s the case.

  • I read the same article as all you did. I hear 2 things in the comments, some fixated on the clothes and not his slave or his maid. The other is they hear what she’s actually saying, the little things that you think annoy you now will not mean a thing when there gone, appreciate them here now, get over the petty stuff that doesn’t really matter. Trust me, I’m a husband with 5 kids, I do majority of everything in the house, and that is fine, granted some help would be nice, but in reality that’s not what the article was about. Stop nit picking everything and get over yourself

  • I have been married over 26 years to my hubby. Now at 50 he has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. His personality had started to change, he had handed over a lot of the financial worries to me prior to being diagnosed. I have turned into the “butthole” wife. I love him so much and would be lost without him, since we’ve known each other since I were 16. Your blog made me realize that I’m so caught up in the busy every day of work, doctor appointments, bills, I may be missing the time with him. Hugs, and kisses needed!

  • Thank you for this! I am sorry for your loss. I have been struggling to make a conscious effort to be a better wife to my husband. This put awhole new thought behind it that I never thought about. God Bless .

  • My husband died suddenly at 33 years old. My 2 children and I were left to pick up the peices of our broken hearts. I had those same tearful laundry moments, wishing I would have been less concerned with stuff that didn’t really matter. The other one was cleaning the beard hair from bathroom sink and drawer one last time. We worship a God of second chances. I too received a second chance to be a better wife to a widower who lost his wife to cancer. Though still perfectly imperfect, I am doing much more to be grateful instead of critical.

  • Ummmm……gag. Seriously, just gag. Dirty laundry is not a “treasure. I’ve been married ten years and yes I have stopped fussing to my husband about his dirty socks all over the bedroom. However, that still doesn’t give him the right to make me his maid. There’s no excuse for him to not put away his clothes. We both share the load of getting through laundry clean. We each put away our own too, and then I then I help our almost 6 year old put away his (he can usually do it on his own). I am a SAHM, but there is absolutely NO REASON why every chore must fall on me. She didn’t say that, of course….but there is no reason why I shouldn’t ask my husband for help either. It’s a co – adventure in this thing called life, and we both need each other desperately. Yes….he works all day. So do I. Responsibilities that go above and beyond what I can handle need to be a joint endeavor. And sometimes that means my husband needs a little pushing. (He’s notoriously bad about remembering the trash. Yes…I could do it. I have done it. Multiple times. It’s one minor chore I ask him to help with. I pretty much handle everything else.) He’s awesome about asking me for a list, and then getting it done too! I feel this is so sanctimonious. Why should we feel bad if we spend all day working with the kids and trying to stay on top of housework, and our husbands come home and don’t even appear to notice that effort? I certainly will not feel guilty for being frustrated. So again, excuse me while I go puke.

    • I’m sure you’re going to have a long, happy, and fulfilled marriage. Hopefully your husband learns his lesson about “modern” women.

      • I’m pretty sure I am. “Modern” has nothing to do with it. If you were to ask my husband, he would tell you that I completely come under his authority, especially when it comes to disciplining our son. I respect him as the head of the house. I just don’t see his dirty laundry as “treasures”.

      • Because you clearly take him for granted and assert your dominance over him. It’s not a recipe for long term success in marriage.

      • Never once have I ever taken him for granted. My husband is the most incredible man I know. He is my greatest blessing. I am always resolved to love him more than I do our children. I do not assert my authority in any way. I do talk about how it’s hard handling all the chores myself, and we work it out. But for you to assume from my post that “I assert my authority” is incorrect. I am simply stating that we don’t get to just be lazy. We have to be willing to be humble and reach into each others’ worldstache. For me that means help with the house upkeep. For him that means I need to be available to meet his needs, and you listen when he talks about work. To be interested in his hobbies. And to help out with his chores if I can – even if it means taking out the trash – which I hate doing.

  • (Posting anonymously) This is the kind of article I REALLY wish my wife internalized. Context…

    I always clean up after myself. I help with chores, work very hard so my wife can stay at home with my daughter. I spend time with my wife, listening to her through all her many stressful moments where I am supposed to have all the answers to her hard questions when I’m being put on the spot. I listen to her for hours, even when there are times I wish I didn’t have to. I spend time playing with my daughter, teaching her, and trying to be a good father.

    I try to be a good and loving husband, and yet I haven’t been accepted by her since the day we returned from our honeymoon (more than 5 years ago). I don’t pretend to be perfect by any stretch by the way: I am impatient and pretty tightly wired, and I get more joy from a 45 minute workout, or chilling out reading, than engaging in deep (and sometimes heated) discussions about our relationship status (something I recognize is a big need for my wife). I hate inefficiency and sharing my opinion about ways she can be more efficient and save us money often gets me in trouble. I’ve learned to bite my tongue for the most part because it’s simply not worth getting yelled at and divorce threats because we are apparently so so different that she questions whether God in fact did bring us together as husband and wife.

    The weekends are the most exhausting time of the week for me. I have commonly asked for a ‘break’, i.e., I need to sit down and chill for 30 minutes, or I need to get out and exercise, and I feel like getting that time is really hard because she needs to sleep longer, or she wants to engage in a project that ends up taking 8 more hours than she thought it would, or she has saved 4 hours of chores for the weekend specifically so I can help, not necessarily considering that it might be better to try and get that done while I’m working. Or she may have an episode that requires her to stay in bed until 11 and precludes us from getting to church and making friends.

    This is turning into a rant, so I’m sorry. My home doesn’t feel like a safe place for me, since there is no telling which wife I’ll get on any given day. I do know that I feel more accepted by my work colleagues than I do at home, in spite of my tireless efforts to try and make a stress free home for her to live in and buy as much as she needs for her as well as my daughter, and keep them safe and make them feel loved.

    Let me repeat: I am SO not perfect. I just wish my wife wouldn’t always point that out all the time and accept me for the way God made me, and was supportive in areas where I need to improve.

    Thanks for giving me this forum to vent.

    • Zeke, it is good that you have an anonymous place to vent and be heard. I recommend a life changing book called Love and Respect. Marriage is one of the most challenging yet one of the most important things in life that we may ever do, other than parent our children.
      I will be praying for you and your wife in particular. May God bless you and your family.

      • Yeah the book is so revolutionary that you couldn’t even take your husband’s name without a hyphen LOL!! You respect your husband SOOOOO much LOL! Good Lord what a laugher!

      • Aren’t you just a joy…..If you read comments below you will see her husband passed away suddenly and she remarried, it is most likely her deceased husband’s name and her new husbands name. You are such a nice person. ( I edited this post three times b/c I wanted to call you names but realized that would make me no better.)

    • Zeke, my heart sank as I read through your comments, especially “my home doesn’t feel like a safe space for me.” I’m so sorry this has been your marriage experience. I wonder if your wife realizes what is happening inside your heart? You said you’ve learned to bite your tongue but I wonder if sharing what you just wrote here {you’ve allowed yourself to be completely vulnerable with us} would help her understand? Regardless, I’m praying for you both.

      • Thank you for your prayer and kindness. Frankly I would just as soon compartmentalize my own hurt and press forward and ignore it instead of posting this, hoping for a better day (I’m very logical but the hurt sometimes cries out for expression and writing for me is cathartic). I have shared in the past but I do not fully trust her with my heart. I commonly push for counseling and we’ve even gone once, which at first was great but after several hours she felt like the counselors (a Christian couple) was not spiritual enough and were pointing out too many things where she was hurting our relationship and didn’t focus enough on me. I do not think we’ll go back.

        I have read quite a few books on relationships, including L & R, but thanks for the recommendation. I occasionally go back to the 3rd section because at times I have to put the hurt in God’s hands even when I don’t get my needs met. Obviously it’s not about me, as much as I want to make it so. My wife suffers from scoliosis as well as emotional trauma in which she refuses to get help, so I end up being much more than a husband & father at times.

        Again, please understand I am a deeply flawed man who wants to be a better husband and father, and it hurts me so much to see so many wives who will do anything to support their husbands when I feel like I’m the only one holding the whole thing together and feeling no appreciation for my efforts.

  • The sentence that stood out to me was this: “He shared no list of ways that I needed refinement.” I just don’t see this as a positive attribute. If a spouse isn’t willing to talk about what bothers him or her, there is no opportunity for the relationship to grow. When you ignore differences in order to keep the peace, you grow apart and your relationship becomes superficial. It makes me sad when the quiet one of a couple is considered a saint and the one who is willing to address issues is condemned as a shrew. When the one who speaks out is repeatedly ignored or pacified, he or she either tries increasingly harder (ramping up the rhetoric) to make a connection or withdraws entirely to preserve a sense of self.

    • Why share a list of ways that needed refinement when she’s just going to push back and say she doesn’t need any? Did you miss the part where she said “If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be”?? You just don’t like being considered the “shrew” so you’re trying to justify being one, right??

  • My wife an I knew God brought us together on our first date. Our 2nd date, we started planning our wedding. We were married 4 months later. We spent the first 15yrs with many good times and adventures but also dealt with he petty, nagging things that steal the fruit from so many relationships.
    2010 came along and turned our lives upside down. I experienced brain surgery. To add to that, my brain tissue was torn causing a bleed.
    Over the past 7yrs my wife has had to go back to school for her physics degree, raise 3 kids and tend to a husband that struggled with talking for the first year of his healing. She doesn’t complain about my constant forgetfulness. The mistakes i constantly make with judgement and she no longer gets upset over the little things. She’s thankful i’m alive and only expects me to be me. If thats the guy who remembers that day to do the little things or not.
    Our Love for each other has grown like never before and i elieve the author of this story is trying to communicate “stop getting upset over the simple things, and open the door wide for Love to engulf your marriage”. I know that would e the thing i would communicate.

    • Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your wife is a wonderful woman who has been very supportive of what you’ve been through. My only disagreement, if you will, is that the problem most of us who aren’t 100% behind this article are talking about those things that our spouses could do, but make a choice not to.

  • I am truly sorry for your loss……how we want to take all the negativity back after one passes and how we would be happy to do anything for them………….. but here you are totally disrespecting yourself and other women, calling the wife a ‘butthole wife’ if she complains about the husband tossing clothes on the floor. This is also disrespectful to the wife on the husband’s part. We pick our battles, as they say, but telling your husband how to drive is different then pointing out there is a hamper a few feet away. We teach our children to be courteous of others, work as a team, and support each other. This is what marriage is. Mutual respect.

  • But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 ESV
    When we stand before the Lord, with all of eternity stretching before us, will wives make the case that their anger of him was justified because he was too lazy to pick up his clothes? And will we, as husbands, make the case that she had no right to be upset because we didn’t have the time to pick up our clothes?
    In the light of eternity, what is the “good portion?”

  • I wish that things were this easy. As a strong, independent woman who didn’t marry until I was 35, I accepted that we would share duties, and most of the “inside” work would be mine. I was ok with that. I don’t mind doing the laundry, doing the more domestic things. I didn’t mind seeing my husband as the head of the household, as I thought that he was a respectful man. I also knew to my core, early in our marriage, that I would never be the nag. I waited a long time to meet him and I was going to cherish that. What I didn’t expect, after 13 years of marriage, is that I was the childcare provider, the activities director, the housekeeper, the lawncare expert, the contractor when work needed done on the house, the auto mechanic, in addition to my career which provides the larger part of our income, in a celibate marriage. At what point, should a God loving man learn to love his wife?

    • And this is where the local church is to come in. If your husband is really not really providing for his own household (you say that on top of your work in the home that your income carries the family), and he’s not fulfilling his marital duties to you (you said “celibate marriage,”) then he is sinning against you and his household. The bible says that a man that does not provide for his own household is “worse than an unbeliever.” The bible also says that a man is to cleave unto his wife and that neither are to deny each other sexually, except for an agreed time. If these things are happening, you have appealed to him, and he continues, you are to get one or two brothers (believers) to appeal to him. If he still doesn’t listen, your pastor/elders are to deal with him. If he still doesn’t listen, he is to be treated as an unbeliever. That is the formula that is provided in scripture, but most people don’t know this because a) most professing Christians don’t regularly attend or belong to a local church, and b) most churches do not operate as actual governing bodies, but as local youth group and entertainment hubs. My advice to you is that if you already aren’t, get plugged in to a bible believing church that actually has pastoral care and practices church discipline. If after awhile, your husband’s behavior is the same, I would follow the model of Matthew 18 described above. I’m sorry you are going through this.

      • The church provides accountability. Assuming she’s keeping up her end like she says, he needs to get his stuff together.

  • People that are balking at this article are those that have bought into the same egalitarian/feminism crap that the whole of American evangelicalism has bought into (and then wonder why the American church is so impotent these days.) God has given specific roles to the husband and wife. I know that is so hard to swallow for some of you, but that is what the bible SAYS. The role of the husband is to provide for and protect his household. The role of the wife is to see to the ways of her household and her children, GENERALLY speaking. This does not mean that the wife can never work outside the home or that the husband can never pick up his own crap off the floor. But their postures are to be toward the roles that God has ordained. A man’s posture should be toward the provision of his home, a wife’s posture should be toward the care of it. I pick up after my husband (and kids) all the time. That doesn’t mean that they never pick up after themselves or that I never ask them to do so. It means that in the normal, everyday rhythm of life, I can’t just stand by with my arms crossed, expecting them to do everything for themselves before I take my own role seriously. It’s not even practical. For those of you who say, “I’m not my husband’s maid, so he can pick up his own socks off the floor,” do you also say that about dinner? “I’m not my husband’s or children’s maid, so they can cook their own meal!” Or, “I’m not their housekeeper, so they are perfectly capable of doing their own laundry, vacuuming their own rug, etc!” Also, how would you like it if your husband came home and said, “You know, I’m the one who made this money. I’m not your daddy. You want money? You go out and get your OWN job!” Of course he wouldn’t, because HIS role is to provide for his household. Ladies: Your role is to take care of the home and any children you have. That is going to mean cooking, cleaning, organizing, planning, etc. This is the work God has given you to do, as queen of your home, not as maid to your husband. Get a grip, put your big girl pants on, and do your job like an adult. Your life isn’t about you, just like your husband’s life isn’t about him, and your children’s lives aren’t about them. A wife, mother, husband, father, and children in a household exist for each other and for the glory of God. If you can grasp that, then the whole tenor of your home (and your attitude about it) will change for the better.

    • You’re missing the point of those who you claim are “balking” at this. Yes, God has given us specific roles; however, most on here aren’t advocating for wives to sit back and demand everyone else do the housework. As a wife who HAS to work full time, I struggled with the “your role is to…” comments from well-meaning folks who accused us of not trusting God to provide when my husband lost his high-tech job at the height of the recession and I went back to work full time. I DID put on my “big girl pants”, and I went out and got a job, because as an adult, it was my responsibility to fill the gap while my husband looked for another job. Unfortunately, because of the recession, I have had to continue working full time, while my husband stayed home, worked temp, contract and part-time jobs. Does that make me a less godly woman? Does it make him less godly, because he has been unable to provide financially for his family? Yes, we do exist for each other, and for the glory of God. However, sometimes God has a different plan for our lives than what some judgmental Christians believe is the “correct” plan, because He’s growing us in ways we otherwise might not.

    • …And take those big girl pants off too, and do your husband often enough that he doesn’t need to talk about how seldom it is!

  • You know the old joke…..Why do married men die before their wives? Because they WANT to.

    I’m on my second mistake/marriage…..both wives have been exactly as you described. #1 had an affair and she still thinks she was justified for having it to this day. It will be a GRAND day when God takes me home and I don’t have to listen to the nagging, wenching butthole #2 anymore. My only regret is that I knew #2 was Miss Right, I just wish I had known before we got married that her first name was “Always”. She will tell me I’m wrong about being wrong all of the time……Then she’ll deny that she’s in denial about telling me that I’m wrong about being wrong…..SERIOUSLY.

    I find this whole thing you wrote about to be part of the injection of feminism into the body of Christ. Somewhere along the line, you convinced yourself that nagging and telling him how wrong he was and how right you were was somehow in line with Ephesians 5. This is the story with 99% of the women sitting in the pews under the age of 65. I chuckle when I hear the radio spots from “Proverbs 31 Ministries” because the only women who actually know what a Proverbs 31 woman really is are all over the age of 65. They don’t require themselves to be Proverbs 31 women but they do require their men to be Ephesians 5 men. It’s a real shame….it really is….no man should marry any longer for any reason. The risks versus the rewards are way way way out of balance and it’s not worth the hassle anymore. I tell any young man that will listen DON’T DO IT.

  • I understand, don’t be a butthole, but what if it’s from the other way sometimes. A butt hole partner? When/how does that get addressed, or bcuz he’s the man & it’s what God says to submit to your husband. This is struggle with.

  • i will not be thankful for mess ‘because he might die’
    if I’m married to a grown person i expect them to act like a grown person, not a child.
    my ex husband wouldnt put his laundry in the hamper, because it was in the closet and not right in his line of sight…i really, really REALLY do not miss that ‘i won’t do that because you should’ mentality.
    at all.

  • Great reminder! I like everything about this post except for the possum part. It’s such a stereotype that women shy away from sex or that sex is boring. My husband and I have a very vibrant, trusting, selfless, rewarding sex life. It’s just hard to always see sex in marriage painted in such a way- like it’s just a drag.

    • Not to mention that’s it’s weird to not like someone discussing something for the sole reason that it’s not that way for you. Lots of women don’t stomp their feet like my 5 yo about silly things like having to bend over to pick something up they didnt drop or spend 2 seconds putting a toilet seat down. It still ought to be said to the ones who do.

  • The point is, there are lots of like things that we as wives and husbands could mashesva huge deal over. She is saying one day that one of us will live without the other. We need tho realize our time is short together at best. Don’t waste time arguing. Come to a compromise and get on with the business of loving each other and making memories tho cherish.

  • You all are missing the point, she realized the little picky things didn’t matter! We lost our son, I admit I complained about the way he kept his room, waited till he had nothing to wear to do his laundry, slammed doors/made an entrance, played his guitar too loud, etc. I would give anything to have those things back and I wouldn’t complain so much! If I had a do over I would have been more forgiving on all these things! This what shes saying! Be a little less judgmental, a little less about having things done your way, and be more loving and more forgiving. In the end it doesn’t matter if you had a clean house, it matters that you have a loving, forgiving, happy home! Debbie, thank you for sharing your perspective! I totally agree!

    • I’m sorry for your loss. It is very obvious from the comments on this article who has experienced loss and who hasn’t. Perspective, unfortunately, is usually gained through loss and grief. I totally agree with you.

    • I’m sorry for your loss; however, the things that you did were (presumably) teaching him to be a responsible adult, which is the role of a parent, not a spouse.

  • Whaaaat? What if I was the one who “left’? Would anyone feel bad that a lot of the little time I had here was spent picking up after people who could have done it themselves giving me more time with my family?

  • It takes longer to cluck and bitch up a storm than it does to just take care of the few items that irritate. Out mates have so many other endearing qualities. That is why we chose them in the first place. I thank God every day for my wonderful partner.

    • And it takes longer to listen to your wife ask you to pick up your dirty underwear than it does to put it in the hamper yourself and make her life just a tiny bit easier.

  • The point you are making is good. The title is horrible! I hate that term. You are a normal human wife who fails, the perspective again is good but please.

  • As a once widowed woman I know what you mean, after they die things become ok that were not ok when he was alive. As a remarried woman of going on 23 years I still harp at him for not doing enough but I recognize that if he dies before I, I will miss every little thing about him, the good & bad, but he still lives there too….so…..we have to share in the duties as a couple while we are still here on earth.

      • ahh, wish that was true attorney guy, in my situation but I’ve tried talking, asking politely and just saying nothing and letting it go. We have a good marriage but in my experience, and maybe it’s the older generation, men just have certain “roles” in their heads and it’s kind of difficult to change.

  • No mention of whether this women was a “housewife” in the sense that the husband is the bread winner and the wife takes care of the home and children. Even without that information there are plenty on here accusing the husband of being a slob, dis respectful, un-caring and any other term feminist like to use. This article was about regrets after the death of a good man in the wife’s eyes and not about a husband who didn’t do his part in supporting the marriage. Get over yourselves feminists, the kind of men you love to hate are few and far between.

  • sorry No. If after 10 years, the same things keep happening, I will not stop being a butthole wife LOL I literally do everything, including work… so long live the butthole wife 🙂

  • I’m reminded of my Grandmother who once said “I don’t understand these women who complain about their husband snoring. What I wouldn’t give to have mine snoring next to me every night again.” She lived without my grandpa over 30 years. I always try to remember that when my hubby falls asleep on the couch and gets so loud snoring I have to turn up the TV. I could be watching alone….very sobering.

    • Men are no longer viewed as a blessing to women….we are just seen as overgrown children…..the women on this thread are living proof.

  • After 30 years of marriage, I have concluded that clear communication is the key. Me folding my arms and rolling my eyes, to something my husband may do that bothers me, is going to accomplish what exactly? I explained to him years ago why putting things in the hamper, makes my doing the laundry that much easier. Just like he explained to me, how little things I may forget/neglect to do, makes his household chores more difficult. It isn’t a one way street!

    What troubled me more in this article, was the author admitting she used manipulation in her previous marriage. To each their own, but we have never used manipulation in our marriage, and are teaching our 18 year old son it has no place in a relationship!

  • It goes both ways. If the wife had nagged and then died of cancer, perhaps the husband would miss his wife’s nagging as much as the wife misses the dirty laundry. Maybe he would wish he had helped her out more rather than making her a slave to his needs till she was dead….

    • I can confirm that no one has ever missed nagging. You may wish you had done more what she desired in order to avoid the arguments, but the nagging will never be missed. Because, you eventually come to realize that if you fixed the problem she was nagging about, she’d just find something else wrong.

  • If your spouse doesn’t insist on museum-spotless, operating room sterility in your home, perhaps you’re making too big a deal out of it. It’s the old mountain/molehill analogy. Make too much of an issue of any relatively trivial matter, and you could find yourself asking why you’re alone.

  • Talk about a two edged sword… your post convicts me. As a husband married for 43 years, 8 children, 15 grand and 1 great, I need to be more appreciative to the women who has been and continues to be my “help mate”. Thank you Father for leading me here, for surely it was to read this anointed post. God bless you sister Debbie, job well done good and faithful servant…. i can hear the echo of the Father now.

  • Does picking up each other’s slack get old sometimes? Yes. Do we do it with a grateful heart? Usually. Would you be utterly heartbroken if those little “chores” were suddenly taken away from you? Absolutely!

  • This is an unexpected gift. What an amazing blessing it is to have a second chance. I understand this completely. May you continue to be blessed.

  • Beautiful perspective you shared with us here. Thank you and my condolences. Ignore the hateful comments. They seem to protest a bit too much about their supposed “rights” to continue being buttholes. I’ve been married over thirty years to my highschool sweetheart and I get it. Our marriage works- not because we each give 50℅ … But because we each give 100℅ as often as possible and we don’t keep score. I, too, can be a butthole wife, but I know from hard experience that you appreciate things more after they’re gone. Why not start appreciating them now? God is good.

  • This, and you, are just a touch pathetic. Please get over yourself and your religion. God has granted you nothing. You are a fully empowered person capable of making your own decisions, and I don’t mean decisions guided by what some figment of your imagination has ordered you to do. Yes, it’s scary that we are alone in this world and that you won’t be playing a harp for eternity on some cloud. But isn’t it empowering knowing that you and you alone are responsible for your life? Also, you don’t live to please or not please a man. Relationships are compromise, and your partner should see that too. He is fully capable of doing his own laundry.

  • I can’t believe how negative some of these comments are. This women expressed herself very well in a tender and loving posting, yet the comments quickly degraded into debating feminism or peoples sex lives? I found myself brought to tears as I read her post, thinking of how much we take for granted those we love the most.

    Hats off to you Debbie Baisden, I’m glad you found true love a second time, and thank you for expressing yourself so beautifully. I will hug my wife extra tight today.

  • As someone who has lost a spouse and remarried, I can relate to this post and the message she conveys. For those who haven’t been there, this post isn’t about picking up after her late husband (or second husband) or enabling or putting up with or condoning bad behavior. It’s about changing how you approach situations that come up in all marriages and appreciating the quirks that your spouse has. It’s about spending your time growing stronger together instead of complaining. It’s about serving those we love and making life something that both parties can enjoy.

    Like the author, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. My second marriage is nothing like my first because I learned that most of the stuff I was complaining about the first time didn’t really matter. I hope and pray that those who are complaining or nitpicking the article to death don’t have to learn this lesson the hard way.

  • As much as I would love to take your side. I cannot. He knowingly makes a mess and your the maid is how this gets looked at. It looks as if you are making excuses for the men in your life. Are they too lazy to pick up the clothes they wore all day? Or help around the house work? If they are your help mate, then they need to help and stop acting like they have a maid. I will continue to be the butt hole gf as I will never get married. But I sure will be damned if I ever continue to allow a man to make a mess of the very house I strive to keep clean. He lives there he can help

  • AWESOME. I was just pondering
    this exact thing, this morning! That’s just men, why does it matter so much!?! God has a way of reinforcing things to me like this! Must be because I’m such a hard-headed butthole, ir takes at least 2 or 3 confirmations to get through to me!? So sorry for your loss, thank you so much for sharing!!!

    • “That’s just men”? As a mom raising a son, I beg to differ. I’m teaching my child responsibility, and to respect those around him. I’ve asked my husband to try to do a better job of picking up after himself, in order to set a good example for our son, and he agrees that it’s important.

      • I think you missed the point. I’m raising four sons, and some things are just reality. We raise them to be respectful and responsible, but we’re not raising handmaidens and wives here. Like it or not, as stated in the article, we are our husband’s helpmate. There is freedom and peace that comes in recognizing and living this.
        We need to APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE in our lives, not nit pick and sweat the small stuff. We women have a tendency to do that, a perfect example is the story in the Bible of Mary and Martha.

      • “and some things are just reality”? Really? You’re “not raising handmaidens and wives”? What does that even mean? You’re not teaching them to pick up after themselves? You’re not teaching them to be responsible for their possessions and their surroundings? You’re not teaching them to have respect for others? One of my jobs as a parent is to teach my son to have respect for others, including whomever he marries. And would you teach daughters that they should expect to be subservient to all men, rather than teaching them the Biblical meaning of submission to their husband? I APPRECIATE MY HUSBAND, and I don’t nitpick and/or sweat the small stuff, but I am also a partner in this relationship, and I have the freedom in knowing that he is receptive to what I say, and takes my feelings and opinions seriously.

      • Apparently I’m not the one with reading comprehension issues. However, let me reiterate: It sounds like you’re raising your boys to expect their wives (or is it all women?) to be handmaidens, rather than partners that they are to “love as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her”. My husband instructs my son to always hold the door open for me, to never speak rudely to me, and to respect me as his mother. He tries to set an example of how to love and cherish a wife, by treating me with courtesy, respect and honor. My son will (hopefully) never expect his wife to be a “handmaiden”, but a “helpmate” – BIG difference.

      • What I’m saying…is that I will not raise my young MEN to grow up to be good wives.
        Argumentative much?? Good grief. Peace and Freedom..you should try those. Grace and peace be with you.

      • What you’re saying…is that you’re raising your young MEN to disrespect women by considering them “handmaidens”, rather than “helpmates” (Again, there IS a difference; you may wish to look it up).

      • Springsgirl is clearly a feminazi….God help those little boys she’s in charge of….

  • I’m very sorry for your loss. You put so perfectly into words what I have tried to express to others after a painful divorce. Losing a love puts things into perspective and forces us to reexamine “the little things”. I’ve said many times before, “If you’re big complaint is that your guy doesn’t pick up his laundry, he sounds pretty perfect to me.” Congratulations on finding a second chance to love and correct your shortcomings. I, too, am loving again and trying my best to do it better this time.

  • What is the message a man sends to his wife, by leaving piles of clothing for her to pick up, as if he were a giant toddler? What kind of respect is that?

    I love my husband dearly, and I appreciate beyond measure how hard he works so I can stay home. But we are partners, and I am his wife, not his mother.

  • sigh. I understand the message that is meant to be learned from this, but the delivery is so lacking. The tragic fact that your husband died doesn’t reduce the fact that some other women are sincerely suffering in their marriage. If you were in a good marriage save for the laundry bit, you were in a great marriage and really don’t have a lot of room to talk.
    These kinds of comparisons rob us of compassion. I’m currently and for the past five years, living a care giving situation that is quite literally ruining my marriage, my health, and my children, but there is no other option. Not only am I living this, I am living it in a very isolated way because there are so few people who I am allowed to “be real” with. The vast majority of people meet even the slightest bit of “this is really tough” with “Well, at least you HAVE your , it is a GIFT to be able to care for them!”

    I’m probably just the wrong audience for this, because anything that pulls the “at least you have your…” card, just loses me completely.

  • Good stuff. As a man who has himself been a butthole husband, I was faced with reality a couple years back when my wife got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, stopped and fell flat on her face. When I picked her up, blood began to flow from places it ought not to. I thought she was going to die and she said she wanted to die. Bless God, she didn’t-she had a large ulcer and she was bleeding internally-a lot, but we got her to the hospital and she made a great recovery, after 5 pints of blood. Gave me a lot to think about. I’m not perfect, but I try harder-one day, either she or I will first shake of this mortal coil, but until then, we both find our time together that much more precious.

  • I don’t see why a wife’s two choices are “butthole” or “doormat.”

    I don’t think either spouse should mention or remonstrate with their loved one more than a few times; after that, it’s best to shut it.

    You’re both adults. You’re not his mommy; he’s not your tiny baby. You’re not going to change him by nagging and complaining, nor should you even try.

    If he persists habitually in leaving dirty laundry on the floor, then you need to do your part to make sure he lives with the consequences, which are: no clean clothes in a few days.

    Without saying another word, take whatever items that he’s leaving around that are bothering you and stick them in that dusty corner next to his side of the bed, or some other place where you won’t have to look at them. (Use a stick and gloves if bending down or handling dirty clothes bother you.) In a few days, when he runs out of socks or underwear, and complains to you that he can’t find anything to wear, you tell him: “I think if you check next to your side of the bed, you’ll find what you’re looking for.”

    If he asks you why you didn’t wash his things, you tell him, “honey, in this house, if someone wants something washed, we put that item into the laundry hamper. I figured maybe you had other plans for those items. I didn’t know what to think, really. They’re your clothes, not mine; you choose where they go; when they get washed But as far as I’m concerned, if it’s not in the hamper, it doesn’t get washed.”

    And if he asks what he’s supposed to wear now, with no clean socks or BVDs, don’t say: “You’re an adult; figure something out!” But that IS THE MESSAGE. To put it politely, you would say, “I don’t know how to answer that for you! Those items would been washed if you had put them into the laundry hamper several days ago, but now . . . I have no idea what you’re going to choose to do.” (Like “good luck with that,” which you don’t say, because it’s rude.)

    And if he says, “if you see my things on the floor, you should pick them up for me and put them in the hamper,” you reply in your best soft, sweet, whispery Marilyn voice, “Sorry. I don’t accept that as part of my job. *You* want your things washed, *you* put them into the hamper.”

    Believe me, he will soon learn not to leave soiled things around, and you won’t have nagged .

  • I 100% agree with this. I lost my boyfriend of 7 years in June due to a car accident. I regret wasting precious time together because I nagged him about socks. If I could take it back, I would in a second. It’s not about being your husband’s mother; it’s about not sweating the small stuff and encouraging each other to be better, not bring each other down about insignificant things like socks.

  • I guess I’m lucky in that I have a partner that cleans up after himself like and adult, and respects me enough to know that MY time is just as important as HIS. I don’t expect him to pick up my dirty laundry because I’m an adult, and I learned to put it in a hamper like an adult.

    Is there something missing out of the education of men about cleaning up after themselves? Why is this even a problem that their partners have to deal with?

  • Beautiful piece. Thank you for writing it. I wish more wives would cherish their husbands, instead of complaining. It would give me more hope for finding my own.

  • This is the most irritating drivil I have ever read. First off, people always hold loved ones who pass up on a pedestal, at least for the first few years. Secondly, a marriage and family/household should be shared by all who live there, not just the “wife”. Third, and most important, is the fact that the author feels badly enough about nagging her dead husband, that she feels the need to be hard on herself. How many times did she ask her husband pleasently to do something? And he ignored it…Again…And again…And again…Until she found herself nagging him to death over the same stupid things? Where was his love for her in THAT?!? If he truly cared about her and her feelings and respected what she did as a wife/mother, he would have just tried to remember to pick his damn clothes up before she had to ask him for the 1,000th time! Seems to me like he was a butthole for not trying to make things a little easier for his partner and not be so selfish.

  • So many either missing the point, or are so perfect in their marriage and communication that it will only take them 2-3 times to get it right…

    • I don’t know why I was tormenting myself reading this article…I became a widow in my early 30’s and I still am. And seeing these peoples “problems” make me sick…I wish their problems were mine…but, yeah. Anyway, thank you for making me laugh…I mean WTH “Butthole Wife”? I wonder if he is a “PooPoo Head”? People are dumb.