A pile of blankets are on the bathroom floor, proof of the little ones who dragged them in just to be close to me while I rush around to get ready for work. Still wiping the sleep from their eyes they reach for me, so I pick them up just to plop them back down too soon.
“Mommy is trying to get ready for work, babies.”
I hear myself say that a lot.
“Mommy is trying to clean the house.”
“Mommy is trying to cook.”
“Mommy is trying to put away your laundry.”
You say it too though, little one.
When you reach for me, what you’re saying is “I’m trying to find comfort in you, mommy.” When you get frustrated with your toys, you’re really saying “I’m trying to figure out how this works, mommy.” When you want to copy my every move, what you’re saying is “I’m trying to learn how to be like my favorite person.”
We’ve been trying together for a while now, you and I.
When you were first born, I was trying to be the best mom I could be to you, and you were trying to tell me how. Since then, we have been ever-changing and ever-learning, mastering one step of life together just to immediately start trying to figure out the next. I am trying to teach you, and you are trying to learn. I am trying to understand you while you are trying to be heard. I am trying to find a good balance for you, you are trying to walk the line.
I remind myself daily that I am trying. I’m trying to find the smoothest path to navigate this life we’ve been given. I’m trying not to lose myself completely in the monotony of every day. Above all, I’m trying to give the best of myself to you every single second.
I don’t want to forget, though, you are trying, too. While I’m trying to hurry and get us where we need to be, you’re trying to keep up. I know this life is confusing, overwhelming, and completely frustrating sometimes. I know you’re trying your best, little one.
I hope when you have little ones of your own running around, you will remember how hard your mama tried.
I hope you will know even on the worst of days, my only goal has been to look in the mirror each night and say I tried my hardest for you. I hope you will one day see that despite everything, your mama is always trying.
I promise I’ll always remember how hard you’ve been trying, too.