My Teen Is Ready to Move Out and I Have to Let Him Go

Kids grow up and move out. But while some people might look forward to an empty nest, I am not one of them.

Our son has barely turned 18 and has already found a place in town to move into, accepted a full-time job, and signed up for the Air Force Guard. These are the usual milestones, we know. But the hardest part of his going is the chasm between us, grown wider over the last few years.

He wants out—and we have to let him go. My husband understands better than I do; their personalities are similar. They both like adventures and action and want to bust down doors; I like deep thought and soft voices. We are very different people, but my son and I were best buds just yesterday, it seems. Now, he wants to go, and part of it is to get away from us.

I tell myself the wise things: Embrace his independence. Support his responsible choices. Pick your battles.

If things had been smoother lately, it would be easier to follow my own advice. Although there is evidence that some of what we have taught has taken root, the time for training and tending has been cut short, and there is no going back now.

So what does a mom do when her kid pulls back, turns away, and can’t stand living at home anymore? A mom who feels her heart is being yanked loose? A mom who has tried rolling up sadness like a long garden hose we stuff into a lawn caddy to make it manageable, only to have it continue to seep out and dampen every good moment of the day. What does that mom do?

She can let wisdom speak. That small voice of God-given experience whispered through years of emotional struggle. Wisdom knows that thoughts affect feelings. That thoughts of gratefulness lead to a sense of security. That there is always something to be grateful for. That feelings change. A grateful heart knows that our kids are a blessing no matter where they live, and we are thankful for blessings.

Wisdom says that the sense of loss with our kids moving out may morph into a new, richer, deeper link with them as they gain maturity. Blessings can come out of losses.

While we wait for changes with wisdom, we can have peace today. We didn’t cause our kids to want to leave by the mistakes we made—even though we were not perfect. We’re not running the show—God is, and He does His work in His time. We have no idea what is coming, and tomorrow is not here. God has given us this day, and the only day to live in is today. We can do our best for our family today, and God takes care of the rest, including tomorrow. There is peace in that.

Wisdom assures that someday things will make more sense. Situations that seem unbearable can even benefit us. There is hope for a positive family relationship no matter where our kids live.

Wisdom carries us through the worst days when the mental struggle is crippling and there is no energy to apply to tasks. That’s when wisdom helps us do the next thing. It can be small—as small as getting a glass of water and drinking it. It can be calling a friend or feeding the dog. It only has to be something we do, and it will lead to the next thing. And so forth.

Wisdom knows hardship borne with God builds strength. After a tornado, silence makes a profound statement as we assess what remains. God sometimes lets us have a bad shake-up and then allows time to rebuild us, better and more faithful.

We want the days when our kids needed us. When they leave, our hearts feel a gaping loss. God knows we grieve and He is with us, and He will never leave us, but He allows us to suffer enough to reap benefits.

He gives us wisdom to comfort us, to shape us, and to carry us through the difficulties until our situation is made different. And with God, we can not only face each day but be better the next day.

“After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (1Peter 5:1)