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I had a miscarriage between my second and third full term pregnancies. I had only known for a week that I was pregnant before I miscarried. But in that short week I had so many thoughts of my baby. I made a mental plan in that short week of how we’d set up our house to welcome the new life. I had so many thoughts of us as a family of five. I never thought I would lose that baby because my first two pregnancies resulted in full term healthy babies. I didn’t expect that loss to be my reality. I had been successful twice so I didn’t think it would happen to me.

In that short week I was filled with anticipation of my two boys holding my newborn baby and smiling. I could actually see them in my mind sitting on the couch cuddling with my tiny baby with baby blankets strewn across their laps. I could see their eyes lit up as they talked to the baby. I imagined that baby as a running toddler playing soccer with my older two boys in our yard.

I never thought miscarriage would happen after healthy pregnancies. I was wrong and a week after finding out I was pregnant I began to bleed. The bleeding didn’t stop. I took another pregnancy test and it was still positive, but then the next one was negative. I had lost the baby.

I talked with the doctor and I didn’t even need to go in. They said I had lost the baby. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted it to be a mistake. I wanted to go into the doctor so they could run tests and prove to me my baby was gone. My baby had vanished. I couldn’t hug a miscarriage; I was left alone wondering what I had done wrong.

I thought maybe I worked too hard or maybe I stayed out in the hot sun with my two-year old at the park for too long. Maybe I didn’t eat right or sleep enough.

My first thoughts were at least it happened early on. But somehow I was still sad and the shortness of it didn’t make it any easier. I had lost the joy that a pregnancy brings. I had lost all those future memories. Even though I was only pregnant for a week I lost a person. I felt that perhaps it wasn’t real. Maybe it wasn’t even a real baby. There was no way to know yet somehow I knew it was a real. I had lost a whole person, not just a week long pregnancy.

I was so sad and depressed. I couldn’t shake it. The tears kept tackling me down to the ground as I trudged along and took care of my two kids. I kept trying to convince myself that I had it easy because I had only known for a week about the pregnancy. Somehow I couldn’t shake the sadness.

I couldn’t forget that my mother-in-law had already promised to fly in to help us when the baby would be born in February. I couldn’t forget that I had told friends and family because I was so excited and now I’d have to tell them it wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t forget that I already loved that baby the second I saw the lines on the pregnancy test. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was supposed to have a February baby.

My friend who had also experienced a miscarriage gave me the most thoughtful gift. I didn’t expect it when she handed it to me. I didn’t want to even own that book. I didn’t want to be the one of many who had miscarried. The book was entitled Mommy, Please Don’t Cry: There Are No Tears in Heaven. That book made me cry. It let me cry. It let me feel sad and mourn my baby. I didn’t have to believe that a one week only pregnancy didn’t really matter. It did matter. It mattered to me.

Even now when I read this book eight years later my tears still come for that little person I lost. I still mourn for my week long baby. I can’t wait to meet my week long baby in heaven. I know I will get to meet him or her and I can’t wait for that day to come. I will get to tell that baby just because I only knew you for a week doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I will get to say I love you in person.

You may also like:  To My Child Whose Name Will No Longer Be Miscarriage

A Birth Plan Gone Awry

 

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Julie Hoag

Julie Hoag is a freelance writer and blogger, wife, and mom to three busy boys, & fur mama to two rescue dogs and two guinea pigs. She writes on her blog about motherhood, kids, family, recipes, DIY, travel, and faith. She is a vegetarian who loves to cook and create recipes when she’s not driving her three boys all over town to sports practices in her crumb-filled minivan. In her past life she has worked as a Scientist and Medical Data Manager, a pediatric nurse, and a SAHM. She loves to volunteer in her kids’ schools and help fundraise money for their schools. She is a Christian who loves nature, animals, traveling, gardening, swimming in her pool, and simply spending time with her family. Her favorites are dark chocolate, red wine, and cheese with yummy bread. http://www.juliehoagwriter.com/

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