Being a mom is harder than I ever imagined it could be.
I was a manager at a major corporate company. I was the youngest manager trying to prove myself on a daily basis. I was challenged and pushed day after day, but I always knew that I was amazing at my job and that I would rise above it all. And even if I didn’t succeed at it that day, I would get in my car at the end of the day and cry as I left it in my rear view.
I got to leave my job after 5 or 6, or even 8 PM some days. But the point is, I got to leave.
So of course, I felt impervious. I felt like being able to stay home and love my baby was no big deal! I got this!
I was wrong.
Turns out, I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I’m pretty strong, but my son….my son is stronger some days.
I have a test of the wills about 3 days a week. And I cry, just like that cushy job I got paid to cry for, but I can’t walk away and I can’t ask for a raise.
This mom gig is really, really hard.
As I write this, he is screaming about nap time and I have to listen. At work, I could shut the door and put in my headphones. They were adults, they could figure it out.
But my baby needs me. I used to think adults needed me, and needed me too much sometimes but I had no idea how much I could be needed!
Remember those sick days you used to take? Gone.
Remember those days that you kind of checked out and didn’t work so much, leaving more on your to-do list tomorrow? Yea, that option doesn’t exist. He needs me today, just as much as he needs me tomorrow.
I know I sound cynical, but I’m living this truth.
I have been reading tons of articles lately about mom’s being brave and that our job is for God and not for our families. I need these articles.
You know how you need water to live? I almost feel like, at times, I need these other women’s encouragement to live.
We live far away from all family. We don’t have date nights regularly; we don’t have hours without baby to get things done. We have short snippets of time when, if we are lucky he naps.
This SAHM job is really hard.
But with that all said, I don’t want to trade it.
I have been pushed further than I ever thought I could be. I remember having really hard times at work and repeating in my head, ‘Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me.’ I would repeat this headed into meetings on my darkest days. Staying home, I have been pushed to my breaking point in other ways. I have been bit and hit and not listened to. I have cleaned up after his messes 5,000 times a day. I have given in and sat in the corner and cried.
But, I choose this!
I choose to struggle financially. I choose to give everything I have to my son. I choose to lose my mind over alone time. I choose to cry over messes instead of not being heard.
Why? Why do I choose this?
There were so many days we would fight and disagree at work and I would think, ‘what are we fighting over? None of this matters!’ Even though I would have those thoughts, it never stopped the arguments.
On days that I struggle as a SAHM, I always know the answer to the, what am I fighting for question!
I am fighting to have endless memories with my son.
I am fighting for his safety and his health.
I am fighting so that he will know I love him and that he is being taken care of by someone who loves him.
I am fighting because this is what I feel I am being called to do with my life and my time.
Not a minute is wasted when I am with him.
I may not be the best mom every day, but he does get the best I have that day. So I continue to fight to make this work. I continue to pray for sanity and patience.
I continue, because at the end of the day, after he has been asleep a while, I get to go into his room and hold him.
I hold him and cry.
I thank God for another day together and I remind myself that I wouldn’t change it for the world.
So yea, it’s really hard. But THIS is the hard I choose.