A few months ago, I remember complaining about you. A few weeks ago, I remember complaining about you. I’m so sorry.

It wasn’t your fault. I mean, you’re not even two years old. I was just so tired, you know?

I love being your mom. I love it with a love that I can’t comprehend or really even explain. Sometimes, I look at you and you look back at me with this toothy grin that, when paired with your cheeky gaze through wispy baby bangs, absolutely stops me in my tracks. You’re a cutie and you have my whole heart and you know it. 

But also, baby girl, it’s been so tiring. Sometimes, being your mama all day long leaves me feeling utterly depleted and exhausted. 

But I’m so sorry I complained about you. I was so tired of you always wanting to be on my hip and your constant whining that didn’t seem to relent. At the time it felt like I just couldn’t get a break from it. I know there was so much going on in our life but I didn’t extend the grace to you that I could have. If I’m honest, baby girl, I didn’t extend that grace to myself, either. Or your daddy. Or your big sister.

I’m so sorry. For wishing you would grow up a little quicker. Need me a little less. Not want to be picked up all the time. Be more advanced than your current stage.

I looked over at you the other day and suddenly realized—this little girl is growing up before my eyes. Gosh, it caught me off guard.

Just last week, or so it seems, you couldn’t verbalize anything. Today, I heard you repeat back to me clearly what I was saying. Your baby babbles are changing into real words and my mama heart can’t keep up. I’ve been lamenting that your feet are too small to fit any of the “proper” shoes at the store, but now your growing toes are sitting comfortably within them. Same with your clothes. 

That head of wispy ginger hair that wasn’t quite long enough to gather into a ponytail is now long enough to do so. I see you running and jumping and climbing and keeping up with all the big kids. You look so much older now with a mouthful of teeth.

The milestones I was begging for, complaining for even, just a few short weeks ago, are already here. I’m so happy but so sad at the same time. This job of being a mom—it wreaks havoc on my poor heart. It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. One moment I’m desperately wishing you would grow up, just a little, and the next I’m lamenting the fact that it’s happened and I wish we could go back.

I’m so sorry, baby girl, that I’ve been wishing away the present when the future is coming all too quickly.

I don’t want to spend my todays longing for tomorrow. Because as I sit here and watch you grow before my eyes, baby girl, my heart is already breaking for the day when you will walk on out of here. As that day approaches, I know I’ll be begging for time to slow down, just a little. Today, as I watch you keep up with your older sister, sit quietly at the dinner table, play independently and color in with big kid pens, I feel my mama heart coming undone. The littleness in our home is quickly disappearing and I don’t quite know if I’m ready to let it go.

Baby girl, I’m sorry for complaining. I know I’ll most likely do it again, as soon as the hard creeps upon us again, but I want you to know that you are absolutely worth it. The good, the hard, the challenges, the havoc that you are wreaking on my mama heart—you are so absolutely worth it. In this stage, at this age, in this moment—and every stage, age and moment to come.

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Sina Steele

Sina is a wife and mama from beautiful New Zealand. She loves writing about faith and motherhood over at Her Mustard Faith, as well as working on her graphic design business, Ava Design.