The depth of love I have for you is not seen by many. Some may not even know about you. But in the chaos and stillness of life, my love for you never leaves. You bring me so much joy. But losing you was painful. I’ve spent endless nights sobbing, praying, questioning. The words on my medical chart still bring so much raw emotion.
These words haunt me. They cut to the innermost core. Knowing I had no choice in the outcome. Wondering if I could have done anything to stop what my body was doing. I replay that day in my head like it was yesterday. The grief and anger rolled into one because my time with you was cut short. How I wish I could hold you in my arms just one time. Feel your breath against my skin. Kiss your forehead and whisper, “I love you.”
The only comfort I have is knowing when you opened your eyes, the first thing you saw was the face of Jesus. One day we will be together again. Until then, I sit and wonder who you’d be today.
Would you have the same blonde hair and blue eyes as your sister and brother? Would you give your sister a run for her money on sass or wrestle your brother in the living room? Would you be my calm kiddo? (A mom can only wish, right!) Would you excel in school or be the class clown? Would you cuddle with me and watch movies? Would you sing with me or play the drums with dad? What more would you teach me about life?
See, you’ve already taught me so much. You’ve taught me about a mother’s love and how deep it runs. You’ve taught me about patience. Losing you and waiting for my body to heal itself is one of the toughest journeys I have faced. You’ve taught me to trust in God. Even when I do not understand the things around me, He brings comfort and peace. You’ve taught me to share our journey. I don’t know which person will hear our story and find healing. You’ve taught me to treasure your sister and brother even when I feel like pulling my hair out. You’ve taught me to simply love.
As Robert Munsch one wrote: “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” I love you sweet baby! Until we meet again.