Last year, my husband and I were in the process of making a big decision: to move or not to move.

The offer had just presented itself and we were both just trying to let it sink in, trying to keep ourselves from getting too caught up in the emotions of it.

I was trying to avoid it, really.

We lived within 30 minutes of several of my closest friends, who I’d known for years, who had seen me in my darkest hours and loved me still. We’d recently found a church we loved and joined a life group with several couples we BOTH clicked with. That’s rare. I’d found a Bible study that was both hilarious and convicting.

Bottom line: I was very comfortable right where I was.

So one morning, in the midst of the stress, I went to that bible study (the one I loved so much and didn’t want to leave behind). My favorite thing about the study was the speaker, Becky Brooks, and that morning’s topic was on marriage. Becky opened by saying,  

YOU ARE NOT YOUR HUSBAND’S HOLY SPIRIT.

Um, Becky. Don’t tell my how to live my life.

But she kept going. And every word was like a droplet of warm water atop my frozen heart.

If your husband is a believer, he doesn’t need your Holy Spirit. HE HAS HIS OWN, she said. He doesn’t need you nagging him to do the right thing. He needs a wife who trusts God enough to let him do His own work in him.

I’ve spent a lot of my marriage trying to replace my husband’s Holy Spirit, trying to direct him and guide him and pull him on a leash in whichever direction I saw fit, because I like control and responsibility and being right.

But what if we really believed our husbands had their own Holy Spirit? What would that look like? What does that even mean?

First of all, it doesn’t mean you can’t tell him how you feel about a certain decision.

But it does take the pressure off of you to convince him of what to do.

It means you pray like crazy for God to guide the both of you. It means you pray that he makes the best decision for your family, and then trust that whatever decision he makes is exactly that. It means when he asks for your opinion, you answer honestly, but not in anger or frustration.

It means you take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, be still and KNOW that He is God and His spirit is working in your husband just as His spirit is working in you.

So.

When there’s a men’s retreat at church coming up and you really want him to go.

You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

When he gets a job offer in another town.

You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

When he doesn’t see your side.

You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

When you want to go to marriage counseling but he’s just not ready yet.

You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

When you’ve asked him a million times to _______ and wish he would just do it once.

You are not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

The aggressively-telling-him-over-and-over-again has not proven effective in my home; I don’t know about yours.

So instead, have one, calm discussion about it. Put that thought in his head. Let him know where you stand. And then, walk away. And pray without ceasing.

Because when you pray to God, you are also praying to the Holy Spirit who is living inside your husband. I promise, it/he/she/that spirit will do a much better job of leading him than your frustration ever will.

And by the way. We did move. I cried.

But oh how I have seen God’s good work in the uncomfortable spaces of a new place. If it had been up to me, we would never have strayed from the nice, safe comfort of our last town.

But I guess that’s why I’m loosening my grip on things around here.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Jordan Harrell

Jordan writes about the days with her three kids and wonderful husband to help her get through the days with her three kids and wonderful husband. She's really good at eating chocolate, over-analyzing everything, and forgetting stuff. In 2017, Jordan founded fridaynightwives.com, a blog and boutique that serves as a ministry for coaches' wives. You can find her at jordanharrell.comFacebookInstagram, or Twitter.

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading

My Aunt Is the Woman I Want to Become

In: Faith, Living
Woman with older woman smiling

It’s something she may not hear enough, but my aunt is truly amazing. Anyone who knows her recognizes her as one-of-a-kind in the best way possible. It’s not just her playful jokes that bring a smile to my face, her soul is genuinely the sweetest I know. I hope she knows that I see her, appreciate her, and acknowledge all the effort she puts in every day, wholeheartedly giving of herself to everyone around her. When I look back on my childhood, I see my aunt as a really important part of it. We have shared so much time together,...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Never Stops, and Neither Does My God

In: Faith, Motherhood
Daughter kisses mother on cheek

I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair with a toddler babbling at my feet, running through this week’s dinner menu in my head. “Hmm, this meal would be better suited for this day, so what should we do instead?” or “Maybe we should save that for next week since it’s easy and we will be busy with baseball starting back up. I can work something in that may take more effort in its place.” Being a wife and mother, running a household, it’s about the small moments like this. There’s something about it that is...

Keep Reading

So God Made a Sunday School Teacher

In: Faith, Living
Woman sitting at table surrounded by kids in Sunday school class, color photo

God looked around at all He had created, and He knew He would need someone to teach His children. So God made a Sunday school teacher. God knew He needed someone with a heart and desire to teach children God’s word. God knew the children would act up and made Sunday school teachers with patience and grace to guide them when they step out of line in class. He also made Sunday school teachers with a touch of discretion to know when the stories of a child may be real or imagined. God knew this person would need to be...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

Dear Dad, I Pray for Our Healing

In: Faith, Grief, Grown Children
Back shot of woman on bench alone

You are on my mind today. But that’s not unusual. It’s crazy how after 13 years, it doesn’t feel that long since I last saw you. It’s also crazy that I spend far less time thinking about that final day and how awful it was and spend the majority of the time replaying the good memories from all the years before it. But even in the comfort of remembering, I know I made the right decision. Even now, 13 years later, the mix of happy times with the most confusing and painful moments leaves me grasping for answers I have...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading