13 Awful Things I Thought I’d Never Do, But Have Done Now That I’m a Parent

In my twenties I’d often notice moms with their children doing things that caused me to wrinkle my nose thinking stuff like, “yuck, having kids is kind of gross.” In my thirties I witnessed my own friends doing some of the same things with their own children, and I’d smile while thinking about how this was never going to be me. I will never do those things that are germy, nasty, and totally not cute looking. I’m now in my mid-thirties, mother to one adorable little toddler, and I’ve come to realize without a doubt that yes, I was a total a-hole before children. I secretly judged people I didn’t know, friends, even family for things that simply just happen, are a necessity, and basically make life easier.

So, I apologize for all my wrinkled noses, quirked eyebrows, snide thoughts, and false promises to myself about mommy perfection. I was uneducated in the ways of motherhood, but I’ve been schooled. Those awful things I swore I’d never do if I were ever to become a mother I’ve willingly (sometimes almost enthusiastically) done, and then some, and I have no doubt my list is far from nearing its end.

1. Use my own spit to clean off my child’s face.
2. Use my own spit to tame my child’s hair.
3. Willingly held out my hand for my child to spit chewed food into it.
4. Eat a partially chewed piece of food my child rejected.
5. Pull a boogie out of my kid’s nose with my fingers.
6. Walk around a festival with a combination of pee and sweat all over my shirt.
7. Pick up my child to smell the butt of her diaper to see if it’s incredibly smelly.
8. Grab a piece of cat poo out of my child’s hand, with my own hand, that she managed to fish out of the well-hidden litter box (I swear this only happened once)and rushing her to an anti-bacterial bath.
9. Clean a poo out of the bathtub, before again attempting to disinfect my child.
10. Stuck my hand into the rancid diaper genie bag in order to rescue a toy that mysteriously ended up in the center of all the filthy, and very ripe smelling, used diapers.
11. Rejoice over seeing #2 in my child’s diaper after worrying how regular she is lately.
12. Wish for my child to have an accident on the floor rather than demand another diaper during potty training.
13. Step in cat vomit while rushing to clean diarrhea leakage out of my child’s crib (this also only happened once, thank god!)

Now, I realize I have not added dealing with extreme diaper blow outs, or vomit befitting of an Exorcist movie to this list, but hey, I realize I’ve been lucky in comparison to some other stories I’ve heard. In three years I’ve managed to escape cleaning poo out of the backseat of a car, or vomit off of myself or a friend’s clothing. It’s the little things, but I know I need to keep in mind that it’s only been three years. There are plenty more years to come filled with countless opportunities to top the charts on the list of awful, terrible, nasty, gross, child caused happenings. I’m three years in and way passed being grossed out.