I once got the following text from my 15-year-old shortly after she’d eaten lunch at school (if a meal consisting of a protein bar and a piece of fruit consumed at 10:40 a.m. can be considered “lunch”): “Don’t know if you’re going shopping today but you might not wanna buy more grapes right now, they taste really weird.”
While I appreciated the shopping tip and certainly preferred that message to the “I just failed my test” variety, a mom does sometimes dream about the kind of communication she’d like to receive from her teenagers, in a parallel universe known as “Mom Fantasyland”.
1. Hi, mom . . . just thinking about you. Hope you’re having a great day! Can’t wait to see you later!
2. I was bored, so I unloaded the dishwasher and took out the garbage.
3. Oh, and I replaced the empty roll of toilet paper, too. We’re an “over” family, right?
4. Found my history textbook. Turns out it really was somewhere. (I did what you said and looked in the last place I had it.)
5. The orthodontist’s office wants to know if they can use my picture in their promotional materials in exchange for free braces. Should I tell them it’s OK?
6. You were right.
7. Was looking at my schedule for the week. I don’t need money for anything, and you don’t have to drive me anywhere.
8. Wanna hang out and watch a movie tonight?
9. Remember that huge biology test I thought I bombed? Turns out I aced it.
10. I was just wondering: can I still come home for Christmas every year after I move out on my own?
11. Sorry I’ve been so moody lately. Thanks for putting up with me.
12. Got a letter in the mail today . . . what does “full-ride scholarship” mean?
13. If you need me when you get home, I’ll be upstairs cleaning my room.
14. Thanks for letting me borrow your car. I got it washed, vacuumed out the inside, and filled up the gas tank.
15. Can I ask your advice about something?
16. I love you.
I did eventually solve the weird-grape mystery. (Pro tip: do not store grapes too close to a cut onion.) And #16 does light up my phone at least a few times a week . . . which any mom of a teenager will tell you is even better than free orthodontia or a full-ride scholarship.
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