Hey friend,

I’m having a hard time. I need you right now.

Here’s how you can support me while I navigate this hard season in my marriage:

1. If it sounds bad, tell me.

I might share something my partner did or said that’s really not OK, and I need you to be honest with me. Don’t gloss over it and pretend it’s not so bad.

A while ago, a friend shared details of a fight she’d had with her now-ex-husband. She said, “He threw something at the wall. He kicked a desk. We yelled at each other until 3 a.m. It really scared the kids.”

All I said was, “Wow, that’s so hard.” I was trying to be supportive and not make her feel bad but I owed her more honesty than that.

I wish I’d said, “Those behaviors are not OK. You deserve to be treated better than this.”

As the friend going through a hard time now, I notice how easily I forget what’s normal in a relationship. I need your (loving) perspective to keep me grounded.

RELATED: 5 Things To Do When Marriage is Hard

2. But please don’t freak out.

Once I shared with a friend about my partner’s alcohol use. She immediately got big, scared eyes and I felt judged. “Are you OKAY?” she asked. I felt her condemning my partner and worrying about me.

Later she followed up with, “How’s [my husband’s] DRINKING PROBLEM?”

I never said it was a problem. Of course, it is, I just don’t want to hear that from her. I want her to ask, “How are you doing?” or “How are things going with your husband?”

Alcohol is a part of my marriage story, but it does not define my marriage or my partner. I need support, not judgment, I need to feel like you believe we can both grow and heal.

3. Make me feel like you want my marriage to succeed.

Now is the time to share success stories if you have any friends who struggled in their marriages and came out stronger. I don’t want to hear about happily divorced people right now. It may be the best choice for them, but I’m committed to my marriage and I want you to be, too.

RELATED: The First 10 Years: How Two Broken People Kept Their Marriage From Breaking

If you truly think I’d be better off alone, say it with love, and move along to #4.

Right now I am only available for gentle honesty, love, encouragement, and candy.

4. Remember, keep your own boundaries.

I don’t want to weigh you down with my struggles, but I’m having a hard time noticing when I’ve dumped too much on you.

I need you to take as many days as you want to respond to my rambling, 30-minute Marco Polos. I need you to know it’s OK to say no to another dinner date with me. You don’t have to make up an excuse, just say, “I can’t make it this time.”

I understand and I love you for your honesty. When you take space to recharge, I know you’ll be able to show up for me authentically later.

5. Know that I am so, so grateful for you.

No matter what happens in my relationships, my girlfriends are here for me, and I love you all.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

The Secret to Marriage is Loads of Grace

In: Faith, Marriage
husband and wife hold hands

A silly mistake. I should have brushed it off and laughed, making the most of the situation. But I didn’t. I almost let it ruin the night. I wanted to be mad and stay mad, and I made sure he knew it. I ignored apologies, rolled my eyes as dramatic as possible, and threw some of my best hateful looks. Because, well, I’m not perfect. When he outstretched his open hand on the table, our eyes met. We instantly turned into middle school girls who couldn’t contain our giggles. I tried to hold my poker face, but it was no...

Keep Reading

Marriage Looks Like This

In: Marriage
Husband and wife lying next to each other, black-and-white photo

Marriage looks like a desperately needed, intertwined nap on a lazy, rainy afternoon and later chopping vegetables, side by side, for a favorite Soup Sunday recipe. Marriage looks like pulling boxes of old pictures and albums out of storage and getting teary together, saying, “Remember when they were all so little?” Marriage looks like praying on the floor for each family member at night and then falling asleep holding hands.  Marriage looks like cranking up the volume and singing to our treasured songs. Marriage looks like laughing daily together at our own goofiness and mistakes, without a hint of ego,...

Keep Reading

Our Marriage Improved When We Started Sharing the Mental Load

In: Marriage
Man doing dishes woman hugging him

The first time I tried to explain to my husband why I felt like a cruise director in our marriage rather than a wife, it didn’t sink in. He understood my reference to Julie McCoy and the role she served on The Love Boat, but nothing happened after our conversation. Or rather, everything continued to happen in our household, but only because I made sure it did. I recently heard that an inequitable division of labor inside the home is the third leading cause for marital discord and/or divorce. Nobody polled me, but I’d rank this issue a contender as...

Keep Reading