From my teen years into my late 20s, I was the friend people would come to when they needed something—and only when they needed something. I didn’t know anything different and, to be honest, I didn’t mind either. It felt good to be needed and safer to keep others at a distance when it came to my needs.
When I met my husband and got to know his friends, I was surprised to learn the dynamics of their friendships. That’s when I realized I was a doormat friend. I wasn’t being used by my friends—but they came to me when they needed something, then wiped their metaphorical shoes as they left my life and never looked back.
If I needed something, if I was desperate, I had people I could call. They were mostly friends of my parents though—even they knew how to make friends. What was it about me that was so different?
It has taken me a few years and a lot of heartache to stop being a doormat friend.
I’ve learned friendship (like marriage) won’t always be 50/50. It could be 80/20 or 60/40 at times, but you always balance each other out. You have to learn to be a good friend too.
Part of being a good friend is being honest. Not in a harsh way, but in a way that keeps your friends accountable. If you don’t want to be walked all over, stand up. Let them know what they are doing. Some of your friends may not even realize they are doing it. I also learned how important transparency is in friendship. No, you don’t have to share everything with every friend, but if you share some of your vulnerability, they are more likely to share theirs and that’s how bonds form.
One of the best conversations I’ve had about friendship in the last year was about making sure you have quality friendships over quantity. You don’t have to have a big village to be happy. You can have a small set of friends and do just fine as long as you take care of one another.
Remember, friendship is about balance. It is about making time for each other and holding space when you don’t have the time (because life gets busy so fast). It’s about making the effort both ways. Sometimes that means you will carry the bigger load; other times you get to set it down or carry it together.
If you’ve been a doormat friend, it’s not too late to make a change. Those friendships don’t have to end, but learn to speak your needs and see if the other person is willing to build a real friendship or part ways. If you are treating someone as a doormat friend, consider how you can change the dynamic.
As kids, friendships are hard—they are even harder in adulthood. If you can’t find your village, make one. Be a better friend today and see how much joy it brings.
by Cindy Houlden 
by Whitney Fleming 
