I was raised to believe I deserved a seat at any table where I wished to be seated.

Sadly, the world may not look at my place the same way as my mother.

I have found myself at many tables. Work tables. Friend tables. Service tables.

And many times I have felt like I did not belong. Like no one wants me there. Like I have to fight to keep my seat.

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I am confused.

What is it about me that makes others want to exclude me?

Why do I have to fight for my place? Why do I feel like no one misses me when I leave?

I have had this conversation many times with my therapist. 

We have discussed my feelings of inadequacy. My need to fit in and be recognized. My need to feel valued. My need to be heard.

I know I am insecure. I know I want to belong. I know I want to make a difference.

What I don’t know is how to belong.

How to be accepted. How to be wanted. Needed. Missed when I am gone.

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My first thought is how do I need to change to be welcomed to the table? Can someone teach me to change? Because then, I will have a seat.

Wait a minute . . . why do I have to change to be at the table? If I have to change to be at the table, is that a table at which I wish to sit?

My answer is no.

So I will keep searching for the table that welcomes me. Wants me. And will miss me when I am gone.