What if I walked out the door and just kept going?

Time for real talk . . . sometimes I fantasize about walking out my front door and not looking back.

Then I am immediately crushed with guilt that I could even think such a thing.

But there are days I just want to be left alone and have zero responsibilities.

I don’t want to get someone a snack or give anyone a bath. I don’t want to pack lunches or watch the same episode of Paw Patrol for the 500th time because you know what? Mayor Humdinger is still going to be a jerk and the pups went from cute to annoying around episode 267. I’m over them.

RELATED: For Those Days When Parenting Is Just Too Much

And it’s not just the mom role that wears me down. It’s the wife role too.

Once the kids are in bed, I want to be off duty. I don’t want to watch a movie or discuss the logistics of tomorrow. I want to retreat to my own space. I want quiet. I want zero expectations and zero guilt about taking time for myself. Am I a bad wife because I want to read my book in bed?

Heck no.

I’m a good wife and an even better mama. I’m just tired and feel like I lost myself a bit.

And yet, even as I write this, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I love my kids, which is exactly what makes motherhood so confusing. How can something so exhausting be so beautiful? Motherhood is a literal 24/7 job, but at the same time I would never give it up. Being a mom has given my life meaning in a way that nothing else ever will. Period.

RELATED: Let’s Stop Pretending A Hot Shower Is A Good Enough “Break” For Moms

So for now, I’ll settle for a hot shower without any interruptions . . . because I know going to the bathroom by myself is asking too much.

Originally published on Medium

Lisa Kalkes

Lisa Kalkes is a FT working mom, wife, Veteran, and lover of 90's hip-hop and R&B. Her pastimes include playing with her two children, reading, and working out at Orange Theory Fitness.