What if I walked out the door and just kept going?

Time for real talk . . . sometimes I fantasize about walking out my front door and not looking back.

Then I am immediately crushed with guilt that I could even think such a thing.

But there are days I just want to be left alone and have zero responsibilities.

I don’t want to get someone a snack or give anyone a bath. I don’t want to pack lunches or watch the same episode of Paw Patrol for the 500th time because you know what? Mayor Humdinger is still going to be a jerk and the pups went from cute to annoying around episode 267. I’m over them.

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And it’s not just the mom role that wears me down. It’s the wife role too.

Once the kids are in bed, I want to be off duty. I don’t want to watch a movie or discuss the logistics of tomorrow. I want to retreat to my own space. I want quiet. I want zero expectations and zero guilt about taking time for myself. Am I a bad wife because I want to read my book in bed?

Heck no.

I’m a good wife and an even better mama. I’m just tired and feel like I lost myself a bit.

And yet, even as I write this, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I love my kids, which is exactly what makes motherhood so confusing. How can something so exhausting be so beautiful? Motherhood is a literal 24/7 job, but at the same time I would never give it up. Being a mom has given my life meaning in a way that nothing else ever will. Period.

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So for now, I’ll settle for a hot shower without any interruptions . . . because I know going to the bathroom by myself is asking too much.

Originally published on Medium