Child Journal Motherhood

Am I Doing Enough as Your Mother, Sweet Child?

Written by Nicole Merritt

I’ve got my eyes on you. And, do you know where they are looking? Right into your eyes and right into the world of wonder that lives behind them; where you tend to live.

But, I see something else when I look at you, too. What do I see? I see that you are looking right back at me.

Yep, just as much as I have my eyes on you, you have your eyes on me, too.

When you were little, I looked at you as if you were a miracle and you looked back at me (I believe) thinking the same.

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Sometimes, you still do.

As you have grown, so have your eyes and the thoughts, wishes, and dreams that hide behind them. And, as they grow bigger and you grow older, so do my anxieties and fears that this life, and I, won’t turn out to be all you have hoped.

The thing is, dear child, that you and I kind of have a hand in how this life plays out for you, at least to a degree.

Life is dynamic, as are the people you will encounter in it. A guess what, hun? So, are you and I.

This often crazy and confusing, but utterly beautiful and raw life is going to throw both triumph and sorrow at you. You are going to have some extreme highs and lows, and you will spend a lot of time either content or be sulking in the in-between.

When I look at myself as your parent, I don’t see myself handling the day-to-day very well, and I most definitely don’t see myself managing the curve balls with any semblance of grace. The problem is, though, that if I don’t see myself doing a good job at life, then how in the world could you? Oh, yeah, you couldn’t.

Your eyes barely leave mine because seemingly, that’s where they feel safest and while that could not make me feel any happier, it also makes me feel a bit worried. 

Worried about what, you ask?

Worried I am not setting the best example of how to be a good person.

Worried I yell too much; at you and things that don’t go my way.

Worried I expect too much; from you, Daddy, myself and this life.

Worried I expect too little; from you, Daddy, myself and this life.

Worried I am not present enough and that you see me with my face in the phone far too often.

Worried I haven’t held your hand enough because my smartphone was in mine.

Worried you are eating too many chicken nuggets and not enough vegetables.

Worried we aren’t practicing your letters enough and that you will fall behind in school all because of me.

Worried I am letting my relationship with your father falter because I am not paying it enough attention.

Worried our house will always be in a state of disarray because I just cannot seem to stay organized

And I am worried, overall, that I am just sucking at being a mom and wife.

But, the thing is, with your eyes on me so intensely all of the time, I must exude confidence in my abilities as a wife and a mom. I must recognize that am undoubtedly making a difference. I must do this for you so when you look into my eyes, you see someone you want to emulate; a person who is selfless, capable and strong. That is the kind of person I want you to be; therefore that is the kind of person I must be.

Originally published on EveryDay Family

About the author

Nicole Merritt

Nicole Merritt is a mother of three and the Owner and Founder of jthreeNMe, an imperfectly authentic peek at real-life marriage, parenting, and self-improvement. jthreeNMe is raw, honest, empowering, inspiring, and entertaining; it’s like chicken soup for those that are exhausted, over-stressed and under-inebriated, yet still utterly happy. Nicole’s work has been featured by Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, BLUNTmoms, Thought Catalog, Everyday Family, Motherly & many others. You can follow Nicole at jthreeNMe and on FacebookPinterestInstagram & Twitter!