Shop the fall collection ➔

Yesterday I cried.

That’s right, this strong, brave mother who everyone thinks has the answers, cried big ugly crocodile tears. Everything I thought I was doing right was questioned.

Yesterday I cried.

I went home after yet another meeting for Kyle and went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my boots, fell backward, and had myself a good cry. I cried until my eyeliner was streaking across my face. I cried until my eyes were puffy and my head hurt so bad I could barely see my phone in front of my face.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried for all the days that I was too busy, too tired, too mad to cry. I cried for all the hard work, meetings, and paperwork I have done the past few years for autism. I cried for all the times I was too busy dealing with a meltdown and didn’t have time to cry. I cried from all the stress from doctors’ appointments, evaluations, and diagnoses. I cried for all the special needs parents who feel the same way I do.

RELATED: When They Say “I See You, Special Needs Mom”

I cried for all the lost hours with my son due to therapies. I cried for my children because I want only the best for them. I cried for my autistic son who the world doesn’t understand. I cried for my husband who might not ever get that father-son future most men dream of.

I cried for the lack of acceptance and awareness of autism.

Yesterday, I cried.

I questioned myself. Am I doing what’s right for my child? Is he in the right placement? Is he getting what he needs? Am I failing? Does he need more than what he is getting? Is everything I thought was true, a lie? How do I know what is the right decision? Does he stay or go? Do more or do less? Do I stray from the path I thought was right? Do we make a huge change? How do I make these choices without knowing the future?

RELATED: Becoming a Special Needs Parent Was Unexpected—But So is My Strength As a Mother

I cried yesterday because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

We are all allowed that day to cry. We just need to remember to get back up, wipe those tears, reapply our makeup, and put one foot in front of another.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

Alicia Kiechle

My name is Alicia. I am a proud mother of two amazing kids. I have a beautiful daughter named Morgan who is 7 years old and I have an energetic son Kyle who is 4 years old. Kyle was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and is currently nonverbal. Kyle has opened my eyes to a whole new world and a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Love needs no words!”  I am also a Reading Specialist in an all-inclusive elementary school, and I have taken on the role as the autism advocate and coach within the building. I started this group because when my son was first diagnosed at the age of two, I had no one in my life who could understand what I was going through until I found a few autism blogs online that changed my life. So, in return, I want to help other autism parents like myself by sharing our journey, so they don’t feel so alone like I did at first. I want to help teach everyone to always choose kindness and to “Be Kind For Kyle.”

When Autism Came Into Our Lives, I Wish Someone Had Said “It Will Be OK”

In: Child, Motherhood
Smiling boy

I’ve had a hard time finding the voice to share lately.  The story I feel it’s imperative to share is a hard one to put out there. You see, now that the paperwork has been submitted, soon we’ll find ourselves in that small white room again . . . that sterile environment with intentionally placed toys . . . and a team of humans in white coats with clipboards. When I think back to the first two times . . .  How unprepared we were. How truly naive we were. How scared we were. I keep trying to think of...

Keep Reading

Autism May Never Get Easier, But We Keep Getting Stronger

In: Child, Motherhood
Mom kissing son

My son, Stalen, was diagnosed on the autism spectrum at 21 months old. He is now almost six and non-verbal. People always say to me that they think things (autism) will get easier as Stalen gets older. I really hope they are right! But, I don’t think that’s entirely true. One thing that I have learned since his diagnosis on January 16, 2017 is to never ever underestimate autism. Sometimes we win a battle but the fight always continues. I don’t think autism will get easier. That’s not me being negative—but real and truthful. I think as Stalen ages we...

Keep Reading

Autism is Heartbreak By One Thousand Paper Cuts

In: Motherhood
Little boy smiling

Every year, 1 out of 59 children is diagnosed with autism. And behind each child—behind the meltdowns and the therapies and the meetings—stands an advocate.  We stand in the shadows, you see. We are the social story-tellers, and the paperwork-doers, and the appointment-makers.  My son Jack was diagnosed with autism in 2005. He was a little boy in overalls and a blue jacket. He was 18 months old. I hadn’t slept more than two hours in almost two years, and he screamed all day long and threw his food on the floor and my marriage was on the brink and who cared anymore because...

Keep Reading