Our fall favorites are here! 🍂

In dealing with our difficult relatives, the troublemaker kind who seem to blight most family trees, my husband and I have always attempted to shield our children from the antics and aggressions perpetrated by these toxic family members. We were careful not to call attention to them or debrief each other in front of our kids.

No matter whether they had it coming, we didn’t want to bad-mouth other adults in our family and risk swaying our kids’ opinions of their elders. We didn’t want to unfairly skew their perceptions of certain relatives by jading them with our own. We hoped our kids might be able to forge functional relationships with these family members, even if we couldn’t.

Our thinking was we were taking the high road by not calling out the poor behavior, destructive tendencies, and all around unenjoyable personalities of our corrosive relatives. That doing the opposite seemed akin to gossiping, and thus a bad example to set for our children. This was our best thinking until a friend shared his negative experience and ongoing consequences resulting from the kind of best intention parenting we were doing. In listening to his story, we began to question whether we had been doing the best thing for our kids.

My friend grew up in close proximity to a narcissistic and borderline abusive extended family member. He was scared of this relative and became increasingly uneasy in this person’s presence. He internalized most of what he observed or was subjected to and thought he somehow deserved to be berated or otherwise treated poorly because nobody ever stood up for him or told him any different. He wasn’t able to come to understand his relative’s behavior had nothing to do with him, but rather everything to do with that person’s own mal-adjusted personality until he was an adult.

Today, my friend deals with some latent frustration with other adults in his family, his parents included, for not explaining to him when he was a child that the way their toxic relative behaved was not his fault. That this person treated everyone that way. This person was angry. Unstable. Spiteful. Mean. And unwilling to seek help or improve.

My friend sorely wishes other grown-ups in the family would have leveled with him about this person’s behavior. Some honest feedback about the ongoing dysfunctional conduct would have allowed my friend to develop a thicker skin. A better ability to take the toxic family member’s abysmal bearing with a grain of salt. A way to shake it off. A path toward ending up less scarred by the pathos he witnessed.

Hearing my friend’s personal experience doused my heart in regret. I now wish we could turn back the clock and have some frank conversations with our kids about our toxic family members and their hurtful behavior in real-time. About how they relished stirring up drama and angst amongst the ranks. How they were most comfortable when making others uncomfortable. That nothing those people did or said should be taken personally.

These relatives were broken inside and sadly, not interested in healing from their wounds. Their personal pain was so heavy they couldn’t carry it all on their own. They continually lashed out, hurling hurt at others in an attempt to unload some of their grief.

As my kids have inched closer to adulthood, they’ve begun to recognize the toxicity I’ve referenced and they’ve come to their dad and me with questions. Each time they approached us, asking for feedback or explanation for behavior they witnessed, we always responded matter-of-factly and honestly. We told them the truth. We didn’t hold back. We called it like we saw it. Because they asked.

And we’ve always felt good about not pointing out others’ toxicity to our children. We felt confident our decision to deal with these folks out of earshot of our kids was the right thing to do. To us, it seemed the mature, grown-up way to handle the seemingly ever-present difficult relative or two who dot the landscape of family.

My friend’s point of view now makes me wonder if we did our kids a disservice in sweeping toxicity under the rug when it sullied our lives. Would it have been better to talk to our kids, in terms they could understand and digest at their respective ages at times we all witnessed relatives behave dysfunctionally? Would it have been better to talk to them about their challenging family members the same way we talked with them about their playmates or classmates who acted out inappropriately?

We never hesitated to explain malevolence from others kids wasn’t OK. We addressed all kinds of misbehavior by their peers head on so our own kids would understand good behavior vs. bad. So they’d learn the right way to treat others. Why then weren’t we willing to do this in regards to destructive behavior perpetrated by other adults in our family? Adults who have even more profound, longer lasting impacts on our children.

I think we were trying to give these grown-ups who should know better a chance to do better. We were trying not to throw them under a bus. We hoped they’d eventually address their toxicity and learn to treat people better. We were trying not to tell our children how to think, but rather let them come to their own set of conclusions and feelings about members of our family.

After considering my friend’s personal experience and looking back through the hindsight he offered, had we to deal with our dysfunctional family members all over again on behalf of our impressionable children, I think we just might deal with them entirely differently indeed. Children are excellent sponges—they soak up way more than we realize they do. And though kids are also resilient, the toxicity they soak up can linger and cause damage.

I think it’s more than acceptable to call out the toxic behavior of relatives to our kids. To use the times we feel compelled to debrief them as valuable teaching moments meant to protect their hearts. And to help them learn to be the change we all wish to see—in our families and beyond. 

You may also want to read:

5 Tips For Dealing With a Toxic Mother-In-Law

My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent

Want more stories of love, family, and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here! 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Jodie Utter

Jodie Utter is a freelance writer & creator of the blog, Utter Imperfection. She calls the Pacific Northwest home and shares it with her husband and two children. As an awkward dancer who’s tired of making dinner and can’t stay awake past nine, she flings her life wide open and tells her stories to connect pain to pain and struggle to struggle in hopes others will feel less alone inside their own stories and more at home in their hearts, minds, and relationships. You can connect with her on her blog, Utter Imperfection and on FacebookInstagram, or Twitter.

I Am a Mother Evolving

In: Grown Children, Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Mother and child walking by water in black and white photo

Those who mean well squawk the refrain— “The days are long, but the years are short.” They said I would miss it— little feet and newborn baby smell nursing in the wee hours with a tiny hand clutching mine. Tying shoes,  playing tooth fairy,  soothing scary dreams. They were fine times, but I do not wish them back. RELATED: Mamas, Please Quit Mourning Your Children Growing Up I rather enjoy these days of my baby boy suddenly looking like a young man in a baseball uniform  on a chilly Wednesday in April. And my Amazonian teenage girl  with size 11...

Keep Reading

Watching My Mom Lose Her Best Friend Is Hard

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Two women walking, color photo

Today, my mom lost one of her best friends. Today the news came. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. Traumatically. Ripping a hole in the heart of her world and the world of all who knew and loved her. Today I realized so many things. Things I already know but always lose sight of. Things like, nothing is ever guaranteed. Things like, you never know when it will be your last text . . . your last hug . . . your last power walk . . . your last everything with a person who is so deeply connected to your heart and soul...

Keep Reading

Does She Know How Much I Love Her?

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Black and white photo of teen girl walking down railroad track

I wasn’t prepared for this time in our life together. I wasn’t given enough warning on how I would be so proud but so sad at the same time. My firstborn love is now weeks away from 18 and just a year from leaving home and heading to college. Friends she’s had since she was a little girl are moving into their dorm rooms and heading into the next chapter of their lives. Soon it will be my girl’s turn . . . my turn. This starts the questions: Is she prepared? Did I do enough? Does she know how...

Keep Reading

You’re Leaving for College Today

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Teen boy getting in car

Dear Son, You leave for college today, and I don’t want you to leave without telling you some things I wish I had said more often. Thank you for always putting the lid down. And for always saying “thanks.” Thank you for always hugging your grandma. RELATED: You’re Going To College and I’m Trying To Let Go And for the countless dishes you’ve done and trash bags you’ve taken out.  Thank you for making the most of being wedged in between two sisters. Thank you for being the best brother—I don’t know how you did that—you mean the world to...

Keep Reading

Mothering Grown Children Has Made Me a Quieter Mom

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Mom, dad, and two grown sons in graduation gowns

How do I best mother my 22- and 27-year-old sons? Naturally, I will always be their mother; it’s a lifelong commitment. But how do I continue to nurture these independent, capable young men that my boys have become? What should I do differently? How must I change?  When they return home for vacation, I shop for their favorite snacks, prepare wholesome meals, and, I admit, pick up after them—just as I have in the past.  Yet, I no longer actively do as much for them. While I miss the physicality of spontaneous hugs, scrambles up into my lap, and walking hand-in-hand...

Keep Reading

To the Grandmothers: Don’t Forget To Hold Your Daughters

In: Baby, Grown Children, Motherhood
Grandmother, grown daughter, and baby smile at camera

Several women in my larger circle of friends have recently given birth. The photos of their precious miracles shine on social media, and I can’t help but notice them the same way I notice a lone daffodil in an overgrown field. They silently demand their attention simply by their bright beauty alone. I also notice that these “welcome to the world” photos are mostly the same: Mom and her partner holding a baby against a hospital gown, the one with the pattern that ushers us seasoned mothers into warm nostalgia; older siblings smiling down at their new lifemate, a pair...

Keep Reading

My Love Will Follow You to College

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Teenage boy petting a dog and smiling at camera

My son is 18 years old—still a teen and yet headed off to a life at college where he won’t need my parenting on a regular basis anymore. He is my fourth child and I sense a familiar panic as I wonder, did he learn everything I wanted to teach him? Are the values that are most important to me shared and understood? Did I prepare him sufficiently for his independence? I understand our culture has created an extension of adolescence. We are launching our kids into a transitionary period into adulthood. In this time, they will be away from...

Keep Reading

How Bama Morgan and Bella Grace Became the Darlings of Rush Week

In: Grown Children, Living
Two college girls holding orange juice and cake smiling in TikTok video still

Full disclosure: I am new to Bama Rush Tok. New as in, I’ve only been scrolling the now-infamous sorority soap opera for the last 24 hours. I kept avoiding #Bamarushtok, which is the semi-voyeuristic behind-the-scenes rabbit hole of the sorority recruitment process at the University of Alabama, which boasts one of the most robustly popular Panhellenic systems in the nation. It’s a scene so well known it spawned its own HBO documentary, as well as a slew of TikTok Greek system influencers and hashtags I admittedly had to Google to translate their acronyms. #OOTD anyone? But more on that in a...

Keep Reading

I Knew You’d Grow Up, But I Underestimated How Hard It Would Be to Let Go

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Teen son hugging mother on the couch

I thought five hit me hard. You were going off to kindergarten that year. Each day you became a little more independent and self-sufficient, which in some ways was great, but as each birthday passed you seemed to gain more independence. But with more independence, the more you pulled away. As we celebrated each birthday and milestone of your childhood, it brought you closer to the one when you would head out to make your own way in this world. As the old saying goes, “We only hold your hands for a little while,” and I’m seeing now that it’s...

Keep Reading

6 Ways to Fill Your Empty Nest with Adventure

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Middle aged couple smiling at each other with sunlight between them, woman is holding a tennis racket

As we’re ushering our daughters into the pseudo-adulthood of college, I’m a bubbling cauldron of emotions. Our oldest is finishing her second year of college and our youngest, her junior year of high school. Bittersweet is often used to describe this time, but I find it lacking. It feels more like emotional whiplash. A swell of pride one minute and heartbreaking loss the next. Similarly, my feelings swing widely when I look ahead to the empty nest years. My husband Ryan and I have spent hours dreaming of this season of life. I’m giddy at the thought of packing up...

Keep Reading