A Gift for Mom! 🤍

My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent

4 Minute Read

By Her View From Home

My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent www.herviewfromhome.com

Think, type, delete. Think, type, delete. Sweat profusely. Think, type, delete.

This has been going on for hours, days. I’m trying to make the words and thoughts in my head magically appear on this screen and be meaningful, but every time I try it all gets jumbled into a sad mess.

I have a lot to say to my mother. I have a lot of questions. Lots of questions that will never be answered because I have learned not to waste my time or energy, and that is okay. I’m okay with not knowing.

My mother is a toxic person. She made me believe for years my feelings were invalid. I was never allowed to be mad at her and if I was then I was a horrible person for making her feel sad. She filled my head with negative thoughts every time something great happened in my life – engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth of my children. She was never happy for me.
I have seen her break down another child to get her way. I have seen her manipulate situation after situation to make it seem she does no wrong and the world is out to get her.

I let her push me down and kick me repeatedly with emotional abuse and I didn’t even realize it. For years and years it went on. It wasn’t until I left home at 18 and was finally the outsider looking in that I could see the monster she really was.

And I’ve spent a lot of time being angry and sad. A lot of time avoiding it and then trying to fix it, but it can’t be fixed. But the thing is, I don’t want to be sad or angry. I don’t want my heart hardened by her. Call it stubbornness, but I can’t let her win. So I won’t. Instead of writing this to say how angry I am and how hurt, I want to say thank you.

She may not have been kind and loving to me growing up. She may have been hurtful and emotionally abusive. But I look at my own children . . . my sweet, crazy, beautiful children and I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful I had the courage to take how I was treated and turn it into a lesson.

My children will never have to question my love. If not by my millions of hugs, kisses, and I love yous each days, it will be the look in my eyes when they look at me. They will see love there.

My children will never have to question their worth or feelings. They will know that they mean the absolute world to me and however they are feeling is always valid to me.

When they need me I will be there. No matter what I’m doing, it will never be more important than being by their side through hard times.

When they have a great life changing event, they will know their mom will be celebrating with champagne and screaming from the rooftops because I will always be rooting for them in life.

Through my own experience with a toxic mother I have learned how to be a better mother myself. To fill our home with love and kindness. To acknowledge feelings even if it means accepting I was being too harsh or mean. To enjoy all my little family and life has to give me because I choose for my heart to be full.

So here it is, I’m not angry or sad, I will not let my past dictate my future. Instead, I say thank you to my toxic mother, for making me realize I can be better for what I was given.

You may also want to read:

I Grew up with an Angry Mom

Why Tired Mothers Stay Up So Late

Want more stories of love, family, and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here!

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

adult child relationships mother daughter relationships toxic mother

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too! Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

She Was the Glue That Held Our Family Together

In: Grief

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I found that to be most true when my grandma passed. Like many grandmas, she was the best. She was kind and tender, but firm when she needed to be. She gave her time freely and used her baking talent to bless others. She had little and needed little, yet she had a way of drawing people together. There wasn’t a day I can remember when someone didn’t call her or stop by. She seemed to have all the answers and somehow knew how to fix almost any problem....

Keep Reading

My Parents Will Never See This Face

In: Grief

Woman with sunglasses shown in rear view mirror

You’ve had that moment, right? That moment when you don’t recognize the woman standing in front of you. Her hair is grayer. The skin around her eyes is a bit darker. Even without noticing the small details, that face is different. It’s aged. And as I stared at her yesterday afternoon, all dolled up and nowhere to go, it dawned on me: My parents will never see this version of me. My mom will never get to see hands that look like hers. She’ll never recognize the wrinkles or the sun spots. My father-in-law joked about gray hair with my...

Keep Reading

The Due Date that Never Comes

In: Grief, Loss, Miscarriage

It is not often talked about. I completely understand why, but when going through something so heartbreaking and devastating, women shouldn’t have to suffer alone or in silence. If you’ve gone through it, you probably already know what I’m referring to – miscarriage. It is the reason many couples don’t tell people they are expecting until after the first trimester. It is so unfortunately common that one in four women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. According to the National Institutes of Health, 15-20 percent of pregnancies will end in miscarriage, and it is the most common pregnancy complication...

Keep Reading

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

In: Grief, Living

Black and white photo of older man in garden

I was never meant to be a plant person. I’m the woman who can kill a succulent on the way home from the store. Once, a fern sighed in my direction and gave up. That is my spiritual gift. My grandpa Dominic would have laughed—hard. He loved to laugh. And sing hymns passionately in Italian. He was an Italian immigrant who lost his arm working in a mill, and still, he woke up every morning and dressed like dignity itself. He shopped for my grandma. He fixed what was broken. And he tended the biggest, happiest garden you’ve ever seen....

Keep Reading

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

In: Grief

Woman with mother smiling in older photo

Recently, whenever I look in the mirror, I see a strong resemblance to my mother. People always said I looked like her, but I never really saw it until now. I think it may be because you always think of your parents as being older than you are. At the age of 61, I am now only two years away from the age my mother was when she died. The only good thing about dying young is that everyone will remember you that way. I have only known my mom as the vibrant, personable, and active woman she was. Well,...

Keep Reading

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood

Editor’s note: This post discusses child loss Child loss changes Mother’s Day. My 19-month-old, Julia, died suddenly on Mother’s Day in 2024. Three months later, her autopsy revealed she had B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (B-ALL, also known as SUDNIC). Julia died a week after we did an embryo transfer at an IVF clinic in an attempt to have a second child. We found out three days after Julia’s death that the embryo did not make it either. Six months later, we did another embryo transfer that succeeded, and I now have an 8-month-old daughter, Lucy Mei (“Mei Mei” means “little...

Keep Reading

I Miss Having Parents

In: Grief

Grown daughter posing between smiling parents

I have been living with the ache of loss for so long that I truly don’t remember what it feels like not to carry it. Sometimes it rests quietly beneath my ribs, dormant and almost polite. Other times it rises without warning—on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of a coffee line—and cuts straight through me. Today, it was a song. I was waiting for my coffee when “Pictures of You” by The Cure drifted through the café speakers. I hadn’t heard it in 20 years. In my twenties, it meant heartbreak—young love unraveling, relationships ending before they were...

Keep Reading

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

In: Grief

Nobody tells you that when you lose a sibling, your entire childhood flashes before your eyes. There’s no better witness to what you experienced growing up than that one person who was standing nearby for all of it. And when they’re gone, a part of that childhood and a part of that story goes with them, because it was only ever known between the two of you. There’s no last chance to say, “Remember when?” or to laugh about the things that made you laugh to tears together, a million times at the kitchen table. There’s no last conversation about...

Keep Reading

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

In: Grief

I survived losing my father after his long, grueling battle with cancer. It was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I had a front row seat to watch cancer pick him apart piece by piece. When you lose a parent, you lose a part of yourself. They say time heals all wounds, but you never stop missing the good ones, and there are days when it feels like it just happened. By the grace of God, I survived, but I will always miss my father. Then, almost a decade later, I lost the career that helped me...

Keep Reading

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

In: Grief

During the weeks we cared for my grandmother in hospice, survival mode felt necessary. There were medications to track. Visitors to update. Logistics to manage. I remember sitting on the couch that served as my makeshift bed and listening to the rhythmic hissing and puffing of the oxygen machine one night. While my mom showered off the day, I texted my sister updates and sent my husband a quick message of love. I could still smell the lavender candle we had lit earlier in the day to mask medical scents. The house was quiet, but my mind wasn’t. I was...

Keep Reading

How to Respond to the ‘Just Kidding’ Excuse

Journal

How to Respond to the ‘Just Kidding’ Excuse

The Unrelenting Cold of Trauma Anniversaries

Grief

My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Her View From Home

She Was the Glue That Held Our Family Together

My Parents Will Never See This Face

The Due Date that Never Comes

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

She Was the Glue That Held Our Family Together

My Parents Will Never See This Face

The Due Date that Never Comes

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like