Think, type, delete. Think, type, delete. Sweat profusely. Think, type, delete.
This has been going on for hours, days. I’m trying to make the words and thoughts in my head magically appear on this screen and be meaningful, but every time I try it all gets jumbled into a sad mess.
I have a lot to say to my mother. I have a lot of questions. Lots of questions that will never be answered because I have learned not to waste my time or energy, and that is okay. I’m okay with not knowing.
My mother is a toxic person. She made me believe for years my feelings were invalid. I was never allowed to be mad at her and if I was then I was a horrible person for making her feel sad. She filled my head with negative thoughts every time something great happened in my life – engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth of my children. She was never happy for me.
I have seen her break down another child to get her way. I have seen her manipulate situation after situation to make it seem she does no wrong and the world is out to get her.
I let her push me down and kick me repeatedly with emotional abuse and I didn’t even realize it. For years and years it went on. It wasn’t until I left home at 18 and was finally the outsider looking in that I could see the monster she really was.
And I’ve spent a lot of time being angry and sad. A lot of time avoiding it and then trying to fix it, but it can’t be fixed. But the thing is, I don’t want to be sad or angry. I don’t want my heart hardened by her. Call it stubbornness, but I can’t let her win. So I won’t. Instead of writing this to say how angry I am and how hurt, I want to say thank you.
She may not have been kind and loving to me growing up. She may have been hurtful and emotionally abusive. But I look at my own children . . . my sweet, crazy, beautiful children and I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful I had the courage to take how I was treated and turn it into a lesson.
My children will never have to question my love. If not by my millions of hugs, kisses, and I love yous each days, it will be the look in my eyes when they look at me. They will see love there.
My children will never have to question their worth or feelings. They will know that they mean the absolute world to me and however they are feeling is always valid to me.
When they need me I will be there. No matter what I’m doing, it will never be more important than being by their side through hard times.
When they have a great life changing event, they will know their mom will be celebrating with champagne and screaming from the rooftops because I will always be rooting for them in life.
Through my own experience with a toxic mother I have learned how to be a better mother myself. To fill our home with love and kindness. To acknowledge feelings even if it means accepting I was being too harsh or mean. To enjoy all my little family and life has to give me because I choose for my heart to be full.
So here it is, I’m not angry or sad, I will not let my past dictate my future. Instead, I say thank you to my toxic mother, for making me realize I can be better for what I was given.