My freshman daughter came home from school yesterday and let me know that her teacher pulled her aside. “She wants me to move up to honors next year,” she told me. “She said she didn’t think I was challenging myself enough.”

“Well, that’s a compliment,” I responded. “But, what do you think?”

She looked crestfallen. “I just don’t know how I can fit it in because everyone complains about how much extra work honors is. Taking it as a regular class this year gave me some breathing room and it was the one class I didn’t have to stress about. And next year I have driving school and cross country and all my other advanced classes. I have to volunteer for Key Club and I want to babysit to have spending money and . . .” She went on and on for a few minutes.

“I guess we have our answer then,” I told her. “You are pretty busy already, so you don’t have to add to your schedule.”

RELATED: Our Teens Are Battling Academic Anxiety—And Parents Are Part of the Problem

“But what about challenging myself?” she asked. “Like, are colleges going to be down on me because I didn’t take all honors classes?”

I looked at my young daughter and for the first time in a long while she appeared small to me instead of the young woman she is becoming—more like when she was a scared toddler about to get in trouble.

And I thought, how much more challenged does she have to be?

She is challenged to get enough sleep every night after long school days full of advanced classes.

She is challenged to find downtime because she chose to participate in a high school sport.

She is challenged to find balance in a stress-filled trek to get into a college.

She is challenged by peer pressure and social media and the dangers of simply walking into her school each day.

While the teacher wanted to encourage my daughter, all she felt was pressure from the world around her. Do more. Work harder. Take the challenge.

It’s not this teacher’s fault. It’s her job to see the potential in kids, and she has taught my child well this year. But my teenager’s response underscored what I think is a pervasive problem. 

I think we have to start looking at our kids in a more holistic manner and choosing our words a little differently.

Last year, my daughter (with our input) made a conscious choice not to take all honors classes in her first year of high school. As parents, we told her she should challenge herself in the subjects that she cared about the most, which in her case is math and science, and then decide one-off in the other areas.

RELATED: Dear Kids: Your Value Will Never Be Measured From a Standardized Test

She has said several times it was the best decision she’s ever made, and her grades have backed it up. She’s adjusted well to the high school routine, and while she’s busier than I would like, she’s handled it well.

But I saw her anxiety first-hand when discussing her schedule for next year, and with her first round of finals coming up, she was a pressure cooker.

Not everything our tweens and teens do needs to be challenging or rigorous or competitive.

Most of us don’t thrive in that kind of environment, and for sure our kids don’t.

So, I told my daughter I thought she should take the grade-level course again for the next year. She challenged herself in other areas, and I thought she found a good balance this year in her course selection.

It’s the educators’ and coaches’ and activity leaders’ jobs to build our kids up and push them to their limits, but it’s our job as parents to also let them know that they don’t have to do this with everything. At the end of the day, it’s our job as parents to look at the big picture, but I think as a whole we should be changing the conversations we have with our teens.

I’m glad that my child has teachers that believe in her potential, but I’m also glad my daughter recognizes she has limits.

It’s tough to find the balance in teaching our kids to push themselves to reach their potential without burning out or breaking down.

We need to start putting our kids’ mental health first, and then teach them how to decide what they can handle. Because if your kid can’t sleep because of stress or starts hurting themselves to cope with anxiety or something worse yet, that “challenging” course they felt they should take or team we pushed them to join or added responsibility they weren’t ready for may not be worth it.

I absolutely want my kids to challenge themselves, but I hope they learn to care about their well-being more than anything else.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Whitney Fleming

Whitney is a mom of three teen daughters, a freelance writer, and co-partner of the site parentingteensandtweens.com You can find her on Facebook at WhitneyFlemingWrites.

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

Sometimes Our Teens Need Blue Box Love

In: Motherhood, Teen
Container with macaroni and cheese, color photo

Sometimes loving a teen looks like making new Kraft Mac & Cheese at 4 a.m. My oldest packs her lunch about every day. Her cooking skills are meek at best. Last night she came home in her own head after a ball game. However, she was determined to make Mac & Cheese for her lunch today. RELATED: Being a Teen is Hard Enough—Go Ahead and Take the Easy Road Once in Awhile After she made it with a little more coaching than she cared for, she leaked out it still wasn’t good. Her noodles were far too underdone. It was...

Keep Reading

My Teen with Special Needs is Doing High School at His Pace, Not Mine

In: Motherhood, Teen
Teen putting books in backpack

The journey of a special needs parent is both stunningly beautiful and utterly heartbreaking. Often with one coming closely on the heels of the other or at the same time. I have made my peace that our parenting journey doesn’t look like everyone else’s. But it doesn’t mean this year is an easy one. This year my son should be in his senior year of high school with senior pictures, parties, and all the fun senior things to look forward to. It should be a year of celebration. But our year isn’t going to look like that. RELATED: Older Kids...

Keep Reading

Two Things My Teens Must Do Before They’re Allowed To Date

In: Motherhood, Teen
Teens lying on grass with feet crossed

When I was a little girl, I asked my dad when I could date. His response was like most dads to their daughters, half joking he said, “Never!” As I got a little older, I asked again and less jokingly that time he said, “You’re too young. Wait til you’re older.” When I was a full-fledged teenager (and thinking I was “grown enough”), I asked again, and his response was just a long exasperated sigh. We had reached the point of inevitability so there really were no words or jokes to be made. Looking back now, as a mom with...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

I Want to Be My Teen’s Friend, but First I Have to Be His Mother

In: Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Teen boy smiling wearing a hoodie

He’s 13. I could stop there, and most parents would simply shake their heads, give me a look of sympathy, and simply say, “It gets better.” My too-cool-for-school kid did a complete 180 in his seventh-grade year. Always at the top of his class academically, he stopped studying, stopped doing homework, stopped caring about grades. I tried to talk to him about it, but all I got were eye rolls, barely audible teenage slang that made no sense to this Gen-X mom, and the slamming of a door. He doesn’t even need the large “Stay Out” poster on his bedroom...

Keep Reading

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

Sweet Commercial About A Dad and Daughter Reconnecting Over Taylor Swift Has Us Teary

In: Motherhood, News, Teen, Tween
father and daughter cuddled up on the couch watching football

It’s hard for any girl dad to imagine a time when his daughter will stop wanting to spend time with him. But seemingly overnight, she can go from a devoted daddy’s girl to a prickly, detached teen who is much more interested in what’s happening on her phone than hanging out with her old man. Suddenly it can feel like there is no common ground between them, and shared interests are few and far between. But this NFL season has been different for football-loving dads and their Swiftie daughters. A heartwarming commercial from Cetaphil with the tagline, “A New Sports...

Keep Reading

Watching Your Big Kids Blossom is a Blessing

In: Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Tween and mother preparing food

A little over a week ago, I received a call from my dad, and over the next 12 hours regarding my mom, I heard words and phrases like bad fall, ambulance, ER, something on the CT scan, and broken arm. By the next morning, I told my husband I wanted to take our two oldest children, 12 and 14, and make the four-hour trip to my parents’ house. He didn’t hesitate to agree to take care of the four youngest, and my oldest two agreed to quickly pack a suitcase and hop in the truck with me. As we headed...

Keep Reading

In These Teen Years, I Wonder If I’m Doing Enough

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Boy walking in the ocean surf

It’s a strange feeling to look back at all the years as a parent and wonder if I am doing enough. My boys are teens. One of them has just a few baby steps left until he heads into life after living under our roof. He is fiercely independent. One of those kids who I have for my whole life mistaken for being years older than he actually is. The kind of kid who can hold a conversation that reminds you of when you are out with your friends enjoying a bottle of wine at a restaurant made for middle-aged...

Keep Reading