I just bought a house. My first house. My biggest adult purchase, ever—without you.

There have been so many big moments in these past years since you died. With every good thing that happens, there is this lingering pain and bittersweet feeling that you should be here. I miss you when things are difficult, but I think I may miss you even more when things are good.

These are the things you should be celebrating with me.

You should be teaching me things. We would finally be able to have an adult relationship, and it would have been the coolest thing. I think about that so often. How different things would be if you were here. How much easier my life would be. The level of support I am missing so deeply in my everyday life.

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You would help make this house a home. You being here would make the sting of selling my childhood home hurt a little less. You would help me decorate. You would teach me recipes. You would yell at me that my cleaning was nowhere near up to your standards.

I knew this would hurt and make me miss you, but what I didn’t expect was the feeling of loneliness that comes with not having you around to share these moments with. I’ve bought so many things, yet my favorite purchase of all is the table I will fill with all things you. I won’t be able to feel at home until that is complete.

I won’t be able to feel comfortable until I feel you with me there.

My dad’s girlfriend bought me a ton of things to get my kitchen set up with everything it needs. It was unexpected and so very kind. When my dad asked her why she went and did so much, she said it was because this is what she would do for her kids and what she knows my mom would have done for me if she were here. That one stung a little extra.

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Not because I am ungrateful. I am so thankful. It was so kind. But, she’s right. That is what you’d do. You would do that and so much more. You would do everything you had the means to do to make this perfect. I am appreciative of the support, but nothing will take away the pain of not having you here to help me through this milestone and all of the ones to come.

You should be here. Big moments will never be the same without you.