Cancer is weird.

For 3.5 years I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking at me. 

First, it was scared eyes. My eyes had lost the look in them that made me feel invincible. I had learned I wasn’t

A week or so later, I saw the cut on my chest for my port.

Then it was a bald head.

Then a bald, steroid filled, and puffed up faced person looking at me.

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Sometimes it was a teary-eyed, defeated person. Someone who had been up all night in pain. 

I saw prickly hair come in, but “I” wasn’t looking back at me.

There was weight gain in my face and a haircut I didn’t choose. 

Years of those different versions of myself constantly looking at me in the mirror, but today, I looked in the mirror and saw myself.

I saw my thin, straight hair and my excited eyes (as I was getting ready for an author visit and to meet a friend).

I saw someone who’s hopeful for the future.

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Someone without another surgery planned for 10 years.

Someone who didn’t feel the need to look away from the mirror. 

I didn’t see the cancer version of me, or anything else, but simply me. 

Cancer is weird. It brought me to realize that life is all about joy and finding it. I was okay with all the sacrifices, but I never saw me until today. It’s the first time in a long time I felt like I was getting a small piece of my old self back. It felt comforting.

Originally published on the author’s Instagram page

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Charissa Bates

Charissa is a Triple Negative Breast Cancer survivor at the age of 33. She has three beautiful children and works part-time as a mental health therapist. Writing has become empowering and therapeutic. Standstill: A Young Mom Conquering Triple Negative Breast Cancer will be available on her "Cancerversary" on December 12, 2022. Two other children’s books will be coming soon: We Find Joy (Cancer Messed with the Wrong Family) & The Traveling Book. Charissa runs https://www.facebook.com/FindingJoyPress and Salt Shaker Ministries. Also operates Busy Moms Need Jesus (facebook.com/busymomsneedjesus) with her friend, Abbey.

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