I see your eyes grow wide when your daddy carries me into the house from yet another medical procedure.

I hear the worry in your voice when you quietly ask, “What’s wrong with mommy?” as I am taken to another doctor’s appointment.

I feel your disappointment when I tell you I can’t play with you and must go to bed and rest.

I see your sadness and longing when we are separated by days or weeks in the hospital, and I feel your anxiety, knowing you can’t fully rest until mommy comes home.

I understand your frustration when your schedule gets shifted and people you don’t know well come to take care of you.

I see your struggle.

I feel it all.

RELATED: To the Mom Battling Chronic Illness

My heart aches with each wave of my illness that surrounds your childhood, claiming some of your innocence and normalcy. I worry about your future and how all this chaos will shape who you are. My mother’s instinct is to hide all these scary and troubling things away from your sweet faces, to put on a façade of the traditional family with superwoman as your mommy, but I can’t. This is our life.

Our family is different than your friends from church or playgroup. In our house, your daddy is the main housekeeper, cook, shopper, as well as our provider. We don’t go on many outings and play-dates because germs can’t be brought home. Plans get adjusted and rescheduled if I am having an especially bad day or a medical crisis.

Your childhood is not a typical one, but dear sons of mine, it is the one God has chosen, and therefore, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

There is no normal family. Everyone has their own unique story and upbringing, full of both good and bad experiences. God has taught me to embrace our own journey and to trust that He knows what is best.

My children, you are being raised by a mommy who has chronic illness.

There are days with painful procedures, treatments, and surgeries looming over us like a dark cloud. Some days are full of worries and burdens that feel too heavy to bear, surrounded by so many uncertainties. Every day we face diagnoses with grim outlooks and medications with serious side effects, sometimes doing all we can just to make it to the next day.

My sons, our life is complicated and challenging but in all the bad, God’s grace radiates through, creating incredible good.

RELATED: To My Oldest Child: Thank You For Being a Helper

I see in you, two boys who show authentic compassion from ones so small, offering encouragement and reassurance. I see you learning true service as you watch your daddy humbly care for the whole family, and you are growing in diligence and perseverance as we walk through trials of pain and suffering. I know your hearts are being softened to the needs of others, and I see every act of kindness and generosity that overflows from a genuine love for others.

I thank God every day for the incredible blessings you are: my two miracles who God specifically made for our very special family.

Yes, there are consequences and challenges that come from being raised by a mommy who is ill, but I believe God is using those trials to shape you into the men you were truly born to be.

RELATED: I Hope I Loved You Enough Today

To my precious children, as we carry these burdens together, I cannot promise a fairytale ending or an easy life, but I do promise that there is nothingno amount of pain, worry, or sicknessthat can separate you from God’s love or from mine. Our journey isn’t easy but I pray one day you will look back and see beyond the fear, uncertainty, and heartache and instead see a family loving each other and loving God, trusting in Him to know what is best.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Erin Burkhardt

I am a grateful follower of Jesus, blessed with an amazing husband and mom to two young boys. Together we are on a journey to glorify God as we navigate our seasons of life while battling my several chronic illnesses. I am also a loom knitting addict, avid reader and eager fisherwoman.

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading

My Aunt Is the Woman I Want to Become

In: Faith, Living
Woman with older woman smiling

It’s something she may not hear enough, but my aunt is truly amazing. Anyone who knows her recognizes her as one-of-a-kind in the best way possible. It’s not just her playful jokes that bring a smile to my face, her soul is genuinely the sweetest I know. I hope she knows that I see her, appreciate her, and acknowledge all the effort she puts in every day, wholeheartedly giving of herself to everyone around her. When I look back on my childhood, I see my aunt as a really important part of it. We have shared so much time together,...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Never Stops, and Neither Does My God

In: Faith, Motherhood
Daughter kisses mother on cheek

I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair with a toddler babbling at my feet, running through this week’s dinner menu in my head. “Hmm, this meal would be better suited for this day, so what should we do instead?” or “Maybe we should save that for next week since it’s easy and we will be busy with baseball starting back up. I can work something in that may take more effort in its place.” Being a wife and mother, running a household, it’s about the small moments like this. There’s something about it that is...

Keep Reading

So God Made a Sunday School Teacher

In: Faith, Living
Woman sitting at table surrounded by kids in Sunday school class, color photo

God looked around at all He had created, and He knew He would need someone to teach His children. So God made a Sunday school teacher. God knew He needed someone with a heart and desire to teach children God’s word. God knew the children would act up and made Sunday school teachers with patience and grace to guide them when they step out of line in class. He also made Sunday school teachers with a touch of discretion to know when the stories of a child may be real or imagined. God knew this person would need to be...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

Dear Dad, I Pray for Our Healing

In: Faith, Grief, Grown Children
Back shot of woman on bench alone

You are on my mind today. But that’s not unusual. It’s crazy how after 13 years, it doesn’t feel that long since I last saw you. It’s also crazy that I spend far less time thinking about that final day and how awful it was and spend the majority of the time replaying the good memories from all the years before it. But even in the comfort of remembering, I know I made the right decision. Even now, 13 years later, the mix of happy times with the most confusing and painful moments leaves me grasping for answers I have...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading