Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud.

You passed away unexpectedly, so I didn’t get to say goodbye. You left me while I was young and newly married, way before my two daughters entered this world. You never got to see me be a mom. You left me while I was solely focused on my career. 

Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud. 

I make everyone who visits our house take off their shoes. Just like you did.

I always have some cookies in the house. Just like you did. 

I have two kids. I stayed at home with my kids for many years. Just like you did.

Now, I juggle work, piles of my kids’ and husband’s laundry, and put together decent dinners. Just like you did.

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I am trying so hard to raise my girls like you might have raised your childrenlittle screen time, outside play, trying to say yes more than no, demanding respect and responsibility from little people while insisting that life doesn’t have to be so darn complicated. 

Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud. 

I love working and I want to soak up this time while my kids are little. I kind of want to do it all. I bet you felt the same.

I stay up way too late at times just so I can have some time for myself. I bet you did the same.

I binge-watch Netflix and eat popcorn on the couch so I don’t have to handle life for a few hours. Oh, you would have loved Netflix.

You always had your hair done. You always wore slacks. I never saw you cry. You appeared like you had it all together. I know now you didn’t. 

I know life today is way different than life used to be. We have social media and the internet and Amazon Prime. It is wonderful and terrible at the same time. I wonder how you would have handled it all.

I wonder what you were dealing with that I was way too young to worry about. I am sure you had struggles and insecurities I wasn’t even aware of. I wish I had asked you more questions, and my goodness, I wish I listened more.

Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud.

I wish you were there when I had my miscarriage. You probably wouldn’t have known what to say either other than, “Honey, I love you.” 

I wish you were here today to meet my girls. Goodness, you would love them, Grandma. 

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I wish you were here today to see me finding my way in this crazy and beautiful world. I sure am trying.

Today, I am focused on my career and my kids and I am proud of myself because I never thought I could do both. I am capable of way more than I ever thought possible. I am far from perfect. In fact, somedays I feel like I am totally failing at both. But I will keep going. One day at a time. One night at a time. With a brave face. With love and a lot of cookies. Just like you did, Grandma.

Betsy Moore

Betsy Moore is a mom, writer, industrial/organizational psychologist consultant, and health coach who strives to help busy moms blend work and life on her blog, BMoore Healthy, and her coaching business. Through her work, she tries to empower working women to gain the confidence to make their health and happiness top priorities. She and her husband raise their two daughters in Pittsburgh, PA.