Dear Son, When You Get “All the Way Bigger”

“Mom, when I get all the way bigger I’m going to be a farmer.” This has been one of your favorite sayings for a few months now. When I get all the way bigger. 

Every time it’s mentioned, my mind races with thoughts of what it’s going to be like when my sweet 4-year-old boy is actually “all the way bigger”. Will your hair stay blond or turn dark like your Papa’s? Will you play sports? Will you need glasses or braces? The list goes on. You started preschool this past week. Preschool, wow. To say those four years flew by, doesn’t even do it justice. Everyone says it goes too fast, and they were all too right. Sending you into that classroom made me realize more than ever, the day when you are all the way bigger will be here before I know it.

“Mom, when I get all the way bigger I’m going to drive a truck.” When you get all the way bigger, I will no longer have to worry about car seats. I long for this on a daily basis. The time it takes to get you and your brother into those seats—now someone has lost a shoe, someone’s thirsty, now you’re out because you dropped a LEGO and the good Lord knows you’ve been able to get out of your car seat by yourself for over a year now. It can be exhausting! But when you get all the way bigger, I can already feel the anxiety that will come with you driving. I will cringe as your dad and I hand you the keys, giving you permission to explore the town alone. My heart will be filled with both excitement and horror. Will your first ride be a truck? A car? Will cars fly by then? Will I be a cool mom the day you ask to take a road trip with friends? Will your dad need to talk me down from my crazy cloud? Thinking of it now makes me realize those car seats aren’t actually that bad.

“Mom when I get all the way bigger I’m going to build tractors.” Your personality blows my mind. Maybe because you’re our first and everything you do blows my mind, but I can already tell you will do something creative when you get all the way bigger. The things you make with LEGOs and magnets at four, well, you are your father’s child. You have to stay busy constantly, and you have to be doing something with your hands, always. You were unlocking doors and cabinets when you were only one and if you had it your way, there would be a house already built in the dirt pile behind our home because, “Mom, I got to do work today.” You head out the door with your boots and a shovel, and would stay out there all day if I’d let you. Whatever you choose for work, I hope it makes your heart happy. I pray it glorifies His Kingdom, and I’m still on this earth to watch you succeed. Because you will succeed, son, in whatever you set your mind to.

“Mom, when I get all the way bigger, I’m going to marry someone pretty like you.” You asked me to marry you the other day, and my heart exploded. After explaining I couldn’t marry you because I was already married to your dad, you came back with this. To see myself the way you see me! I fall short so many times. I sometimes lose my temper and yell. I’m impatient, rushed, and I beat myself up for it all. But I’m so often reminded of His grace through you. When I apologize, you forgive. No questions asked, no grudges held. And I’m again given that little nudge, letting me know I am constantly setting the example of what you will look for in a wife when you get all the way bigger. Her. I pray for her daily. And although I wonder who she will be and what she will look like, I won’t care if she’s pretty. I’ll only care that she loves you and Jesus with her whole heart.

“Mom, when I get all the way bigger, I’m going to be a dad.” This is probably my favorite. Your little mind is constantly thinking of stories of your “children” and “grandchildren”. The other day when you took them to the zoo and one of their shoes fell into the lion cage, and can you believe it you had to jump in there and snatch it out just before being eaten! I don’t know where you come up with this stuff. I hope and pray you do become a dad someday, and then a grandpa, too. I hope you get to experience the joy and love given to parents in a way only children can give. I secretly hope you get a little payback, because according to everyone who knew your dad as a kid, payback is what you are. Only kidding, kind of. They will love you, they will test you, they will make you question everything. And I will be there to laugh, guide, and spoil those little nuggets silly, because that’s what grandmas do.

When you get all the way bigger . . . It makes my heart excited and sad at the same time. Wishing for the next season, only to have it come and go in what seems to be a blink of an eye. It’s moving even faster with your little brother. On the hardest days, I long for the next season. My mind wanders to a time where you don’t have to climb everything you see, running in church is a thing of the past we laugh about, and fart noises are so embarrassing. But today, I’ll take this season. I’ll take the craziness, the running, jumping, and fart noises—because I know it’ll be a memory all too soon.

I’ll pray for when you get all the way bigger, but I’ll love your littleness just a little longer.

Originally published on the author’s blog