Oh, October. If you live in the Midwest, you know that October is such an unpredictable month. It’s 80 degrees one day, and 20 the next. Actually, I’ve seen the temperature swing that much in the same day! While the weather can be a roller coaster, October has always been my favorite month of the year. Mainly because it’s my birthday month. Who doesn’t love their birthday month?! And now, it’s the birthday month of my sweet rainbow baby.

Two years ago during this time, I discovered that October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Why was I only just discovering this two years ago? Because, I was in the midst of experiencing my first pregnancy loss. Little did I know, I would experience my second loss just three months later.

I am that statistic you see floating around on social media:  I am 1 in 4.

My story is not easy for me to share, as I know most women who experience loss can relate. But, for me,  it is a necessary one to share. I had no idea what to expect when my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. And, because it had ended before we told anyone other than immediate family, I really didn’t have anyone to turn to. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, because I could barely think about it without the tears flowing. How could I possibly speak those words out loud?

I turned to the Internet to find some sort of encouragement that I would be okay. That I would eventually have a healthy pregnancy. And, most importantly, that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this pain. That I wasn’t alone.

Of course I found all the statistics, informing me of how common pregnancy loss is. But, I couldn’t find anyone talking about it. The Internet didn’t hold the answers I needed. 

The day you lose a baby is a day you will never forget. August 27, 2014 was that day for me.

It all started with a little spotting, and ended with me sitting in a cold, white hospital room, in the most deafening silence I have ever experienced. It was the silence that occurs right before the doctor has to tell you something that will change your life forever.

That she can’t find a heartbeat.

It’s the worst kind of silence, and it still haunts me to this day.

I’m not here, though, to educate you about what happens during pregnancy loss. That’s all physical. You can find medical descriptions all over Google.

What I’m here to share with you is how I handled my loss emotionally. Because, that is the part that nobody can prepare you for.

Honestly, I can’t say that I handled it the best way. Immediately following my first miscarriage, all I could think about was getting pregnant again to fill the void that was left. I didn’t want to deal with the emotional pain, I wanted to mask it with the joy of another baby.

So, I planned. 

I scheduled when I could start trying again, when I would be ovulating, and if I conceived, when my baby would be born. I obsessed.

When the 3 months had passed that the doctor recommended we wait, I was pregnant again.

And, one short week later, I lost our second baby.

I was numb. Broken. Angry. Confused. And, done.

Having two pregnancies 3 months apart is hard enough on its own. There are many hormones involved in the process, on top of the grief I was already experiencing. I knew I couldn’t take anymore. Physically or emotionally. I was done trying to have a baby.

I threw all of my focus into other things. Specifically, getting myself in shape, physically through exercise and spiritually through faith.

When tragedy strikes, it is often our first response to question why God is doing this to us. How someone who is supposed to love us so much could cause us this kind of pain. It’s a totally rational response from someone grieving. But, it wasn’t mine. 

Quite the opposite happened for me, actually. My tragedy brought me closer to God. I began attending church regularly, dusted off my Bible, and really gave myself to Him.

During that time, there were several instances I felt God was speaking directly to me. One Sunday at church, the preacher spoke about Elizabeth, and how she had been barren and unable to conceive a child. Then, miraculously she conceived.

It was around Christmas at this point, and of course, the story of Mary and Joseph was being told everywhere. How Mary, a virgin, had conceived a baby. 

Being surrounded by these stories of miracles, my hope slowly started growing again. If God could do this for these women, he surely could for me, too. I knew deep in my soul that God had meant those words for me.

 Surrounded by so many people who knew nothing of my circumstances, God was using that preacher to let me know He had not forgotten about me. And, I felt so much peace.

Another Sunday, the preacher shared a verse that stuck with me from that point forward:

 But with God, all things are possible.- Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

I felt so much weight leave my body at that point. Because that was the point I was truly able to hand all of my grief- all of my burden- all of me- over to God.

And, two months later, completely unplanned, I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. And, she’s about to celebrate her first birthday on Halloween!

Am I telling you that handing everything over to God will solve all your problems and you will have a perfect pregnancy?

No. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy.

What I’m telling you, is that there is freedom to be found in handing it over to God. Releasing the stress of planning, scheduling, worrying- and just trusting.

Trust the process. Trust the plan.

So, I share my story with the hopes that it will find someone experiencing the overwhelming pain and bring them back to the light. That it encourages someone to keep their faith strong, don’t lose hope, and most importantly, don’t lose yourself.

If I hadn’t experienced what I did, I wouldn’t have my daughter. And, I can’t imagine life without her. It doesn’t make the pain disappear- it’s still there. But, there is also a deeper understanding. A hope. And, the knowledge that I have two angels watching over me. Always and forever.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Amanda Bandy

Amanda is a Christian and mommy blogger, saved by grace and committed to her faith. She thanks the Lord everyday for her amazing husband, beautiful daughter, and the home they all share together in South Dakota. Amanda loves being a stay-at-home mama and blogging all about her experiences! You can read about them on her blog http://www.barefootbecca.com/ You can also find her on Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!

My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

In: Child Loss, Grief
My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born www.herviewfromhome.com

My baby was stillborn, but still born. In a cool white hospital room where so many had been born before. My body trembled and shook as his body worked its way out of my womb and into the hands of a doctor. He was void of breath, of sound, of movement, but he was still born. My baby was stillborn, but still lived. In the darkness of my womb. The outline of his body was visible against the darkness of the screen, his presence undeniable. The sound of his heartbeat drowned out the sound of mine as I watched his...

Keep Reading

I Am Not My Child’s Death

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Faith, Grief
I Am Not My Child's Death www.herviewfromhome.com

We are NOT what has happened to us or what this world says we are. That is not what defines us. While we are grieving parents, that is not what our whole story has to be about. Although, at times, we feel that our story is over. We ask, how do we go on and live full lives without our sweet Sophie with us? I’m still not 100 percent sure I know the answer to that. BUT the Lord says I am beloved. I am redeemed and accepted. I am holy and chosen. I am righteous and complete. I am...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

In: Child Loss, Grief, Motherhood
The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child www.herviewfromhome.com

Within the first three months following the death of my newborn daughter, I participated in one baby shower, attended two first birthday parties, had multiple infants in and around my home, and watched not one, not two, but five of my closest friends take happy, healthy babies home from the hospital. And in the midst of my own life-altering experience, I purchased, wrapped, and mailed a gift to every one of those new babies, because they deserved one. In the days and months after my daughter died, I didn’t run away or hide from babies at all. And this seemed...

Keep Reading

6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

In: Child Loss, Grief, Kids, Motherhood
6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss www.herviewfromhome.com

Following the death of our infant daughter, I found myself facing an opportunity to activate the immense power of personal choice. Time and time again. Hour after hour, day after day. It felt as if every moment that passed provided me with a choice: to let the grief consume me, or not. In the midst of the most emotionally complex experience of my life, my ability to survive felt as simple as that. Will grief consume me, or not? Once I began believing that Olivia had lived out her life’s plan completely—that she had come, she had loved, she had...

Keep Reading

To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

In: Child Loss, Grief, Infertility, Motherhood
To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone www.herviewfromhome.com

You are walking the hardest path anyone will ever walk—living this life without your children. Your losses have come in many shapes and sizes. You’ve lost tiny heartbeats early in the womb. You’ve screamed and sobbed through labor to deliver a silent but perfect little bundle. You’ve held a fragile infant for hours, days, weeks, or months, only to give him back to Heaven. You’ve watched your little one grow into a curious toddler and then held her a final time as disease or an accident took her away. You’ve lived a full childhood with your baby and even watched...

Keep Reading

A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief, Miscarriage
A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven www.herviewfromhome.com

Dear Mama, I know you miss me and wish you could watch me grow up. But instead, you sit in that rocking chair, tears streaming down your face, arms wrapped around the blanket that was supposed to be mine. I see you crying, Mama, wishing you could hold me. Wishing you could look into my eyes. Wishing you could hear me cry or call you “Mama”. I want you to know Jesus rocks me to sleep every night and while He does it, He tells me all about you. I know tulips are your favorite flower and that every spring...

Keep Reading

God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief
God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle www.herviewfromhome.com

I used to be someone who said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That was before I had faced any hardships in my life. I didn’t know who God truly is. When people are going through something hard and decide to share it, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s hard to watch others who are hurting, and it’s hard not knowing how to help when it’s someone you love. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is a very well-meaning encouragement that I know is meant in love. I’ve said it before! But it’s not really...

Keep Reading

Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

In: Child Loss, Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters www.herviewfromhome.com

“We should get a tattoo, Mom.” I laughed. I knew it was just my younger daughter, Sarah’s way of getting herself a tattoo—to go along with her nose ring, and six ear piercings. She didn’t really want me to get one. Did she? “Truth!” My oldest, more conservative daughter, Elle, chimed in. “We should all go.” What? Home from college just five minutes, maybe she was bored. I heard tattoos really hurt and she hates pain, like I do. I glared at my two daughters, now 17 and 19. They can read my mind. I knew it! There was something...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading