Nothing is black and white, neither is God.

For the longest time, I believed I was in the wrong, disobedient. 

A sin was a deal-breaker, and I felt as if I was never going to be dismissed from the consequences of making a mistake. 

I was always thinking of the repercussions. 

I felt there was no coming back from a sin.

I was afraid of God. 

I wasn’t loving Him. 

I wasn’t worshiping Him the way I wanted, I was just going with the flow. 

Rather than having the love for my Lord that I hear people speak about, I found myself living in apprehension. 

I longed for a relationship where I could feel like I wasn’t afraid to be myself without being punished. 

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I longed for the feeling of freedom where I could always turn back to God knowing full well, He would hold me. 

Yet, I still felt as though God was there to punish me when I was in the wrong, rather than carry me through the storm.

I had all these feelings because the love of God was instilled in me fearfully. 

I loved Him, I did, I do. 

I believed in Him, I did, I do. 

I worship Him, I did, I do. 

But it wasn’t out of pure compassion and benevolence. 

Because I was raised to fear Him more than I loved him. 

And here I am today, longing for that love. 

Craving that relationship.

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It’s as if I’ve had to hide my true self from God. 

I shouldn’t feel rejected. 

I should feel repentance. 

I should feel love and acceptance. 

Nothing is black and white, especially not God.

I had to make a change.

So I chose to believe that God is too merciful a Lord to deprive me of that love. 

I’m choosing to see that God is not black and white and that He will forgive me and guide me. 

I’m choosing to see that He is always present and ready to love me, no matter what I’ve grown to believe. 

He is there, always.

He chooses me, repeatedly. 

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He draws me close.

And when I pull away, He gives me these feelings, these signs that He is present. 

With open arms, waiting for me to come back, ready to love and accept me. 

I began to see a light to things that defined me in a way I didn’t want to be defined. 

I came to understand that if I wasn’t raised to worship God out of love, it is my duty to raise my children to love Him with no boundaries and to run to Him confidently knowing He will be there to carry them unconditionally. 

Love God for God. 

Love God for yourself. 

Love God to learn what eternal love is. 

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page