I know the pain you are in right now. I can almost feel it myself even today. The struggle of trying to conceive when failure continues to haunt you is one of the most soul-crushing experiences a person can imagine.
The sleepless nights, the tear-filled days, and the constant mourning of what is not happening seems to infect everything you do. Those emotions are real and raw, and I know you feel like there is no way out of this. To you, pregnancy is this weird phenomenon that has no real answers. It comes with doctor suggestions, app guidelines, and website after website of potential ways to conceive—yet you still don’t know exactly what will work and neither does anyone else.
So you try and try and try. You even get pregnant, only to lose those pregnancies in what feels like the most dramatic ways possible. You live through it (thankfully), yet your heart is forever changed and your perspective on life is altered.
You now know things about hurting you never knew before.
Your life shines with a duller light now, and there are even days where it feels like there is no light at all. You feel very lost and alone.
So that is why I am writing to you today. I am here to tell you a few things about your future. Things that will bring the light back. Things you will find impossible to imagine.
For starters, I promise you do survive this pain and come out stronger. You will slowly start to share your knowledge and your story with the women around you. You realize that your agony is your own to feel and embrace, but this type of aching is actually shared in many different forms with men and women all over the globe. This connection will drive you to do better and to be better.
Yet, you should also know that even though you get stronger, you will still feel like giving up, and you actually do at some points.
You thankfully keep going because that yearning for motherhood regains a power you didn’t know you had in you.
And then it happens, and you get pregnant again. Yet, this pregnancy is not a celebration, at least not in the beginning. There are so many things for you to consider. There are so many outcomes that could happen. You have a hard time enjoying the first few months and that’s alright. It’s OK to be scared and cautious, you have earned that stance.
So you control what you can. You join the online groups, you monitor every cramp, uneasy feeling, and yes, even some bleeding. Your tears of dread do not end just because you are pregnant again. The uneasy feeling of loss haunts you.
And although those tears are justified, I am here to tell you that what happens over the next few months ends up being pretty close to magical. You begin to grow, and it is the kind of growth every mother with infertility problems dreams of. Your belly expands, the kicks start, and the glow of a mom-to-be begins.
You finally feel like you can actually breathe and feel some joy.
Any woman who struggled to get pregnant will know the kind of happiness that surrounds you when you are finally pregnant. It is the kind of love that embodies your every move. It is the kind of happiness that sparks your life.
Yet there is also a lot of awe and disbelief. You will have days when you will wake up, touch your belly, and cry. Those tears are a mix of every single emotion that the past few years have brought you. They are impossible to represent just one thing . . . they will represent them all.
Then the day will come where you get to meet your new baby. I will not ruin it by giving you every detail (that is a story all its own), but I will tell you that the pain you experience trying will absolutely be worth it in the end.
For the next few years to come, you will experience a million firsts that will make your heart, mind, and soul explode with complete happiness. Nothing will be easy, but everything will be worth it.
Your children will show you a love you always knew was possible, but many times questioned if it was possible for you.
You will kiss their heads, hold their hands, and breathe in their smells, and you can do this because you found the strength to keep going. They will take your breath away with the little things like their belly laughs for no reason, their summer sweaty hugs and kisses, and their movie snuggles on the couch. These are the moments you dreamed of, and I am here to tell you that you are the reason they all came true.
You did not give up even when it was hard. You were resilient in the phase of pain and loss. You had hope when so many would have lost it.
You are now a mother and a dang good one. So I simply wanted to thank you for never giving up. I am here today to make sure they are safe, but you were there in the days before, putting in all the effort to get us where we happily are today.