There has been a lot going on lately. Big changes. Big steps. Big, important, things. In between all of the celebrations and excitement, I have to admit there has also been a lot of sadness. There has been crying and there has been disappointment. Not disappointment in myself and my achievements, but more so extreme disappointment and anger that my mom isn’t here to enjoy these moments with me.

My mom should be here. My mom should be here to celebrate with me and see these things I have worked so hard for come to fruition. My mom wanted more than anything in this world to be here for me and be there for all these moments, big and small.

My mom didn’t want to leave us. She wasn’t ready to die.

She was young, with so much life to live, and a terrible disease took her from us and there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. Life hasn’t been the same since. I don’t believe it will ever go back to normal again.

Sure, we’ve created a new normal and adjusted to what life looks like without her, but that doesn’t mean the grief isn’t brought right back up to the surface every time something happens when her absence is so clear, and she becomes so missed. 

The big things just don’t matter as much. 

What is good news without my mom to share it with?

What is a dinner celebration without her at the table?

What is life falling into place if it means missing the person who means the most?

Big things just don’t matter as much without her. I find myself isolating myself alone and upset in times that I should be celebrating something great.

Not because I am not happy or proud of myself, but because I am missing the person who should be here with me.

It makes the grief resurface as if my mom died yesterday and makes the pain overcome the happiness and excitement.

Nothing is the same without my mom. I’m not sure it ever will be. 

Christie Lynn

I’m a 26 year old social worker and blogger using my words and experiences to help others though hardship, grief and mother loss.