Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

I was lying on my back, staring blankly at the white, cracked, ceiling, clutching onto the sheets, sinking into the bed. My mind was empty, bare and numb. No remorse, no regrets, no guilt for the decisions I decided a few days earlier. The nurse enters. She props my pillows, administers my medication and goes onto tell me I will be leaving the acute ward and moving to the “less crazier and louder ward.”

I never knew there was such a thing as a lesser crazier ward.

Never, in a million years I would think to end up in the psychiatric ward. I really thought it was an asylum merely for the completely insane people. You know those movies, where they drag away an out of control patient into a room to sedate them with a needle injected into their behind?

That really happens.

I saw that happened to a girl when I was there. She was irate, inconsolable, psychotic, and I had to spend the first night in a share ward with her. It is ironic though, I was scared of her killing me, yet two days prior I did not fear death at all and was ready to embrace death upon to myself. That’s what postpartum depression does, when it has been ignored for a long time. It absorbs any hint of reasoning, logic and certainty, replacing it all with uncontrollable silent rage burning in the mind – like an inferno, which cannot be put out with anything. Therefore this idea of suicide, the yearning to end it all was pertinent in my reasoning, my logic, and certainty. As a result of this thinking, no nurse, doctor or psychiatrist could reason with me when I arrived at hospital. All I kept telling them, over and over again that ending it all was the only conclusion, because I thought my son would be better off without me. For months I silently reveled into the idea that ending my life would benefit everyone, especially my son and husband. No more fighting with my husband, no more thinking I have completely failed at being a mother, these were the conclusions to my decision.

When I moved into the more demure ward, I was on high anxiety, figuring how I could get out of this mess. There was no way to end my life in my room. No hooks, no handles, no railings to aid me and fulfill my dark thoughts. I was trapped, haunted, tormented in my own thoughts and I knew I had to stop running away from my demons. I was a complete mess. My postpartum depression escalated into an obsessive compulsive like behavior, where I would repeat in my mind, over and over again that I completely failed as a mother, as a wife, as a human being. The idea of being a perfect mother smashed into a million pieces. The shattered idea fell through my fingers onto the floor. I gave up scrambling for the pieces and finding a way for that idea to piece back together. The shame, the guilt, the layers upon layers of emotions that I carefully had hidden all came up to the surface when I became completely alone for the first time in my life, and that was in the psychiatric ward.

Solitude – this was something I truly learned when spending my time in there. It is different to going on a walk on your own, or spending time alone in a café, or reading a book alone in bed. This kind of isolation opened up my eyes to not just my pain and suffering, but also to the others around me. I saw a little two year-old boy worried and confused when he came to visit me, wondering why I was not at home, and tucking him into bed at night. My husband was utterly heart broken.

The psychiatric ward is not just a place for the extremely insane patients, but for those like myself who needed to be numbed from the obscene suicidal thoughts, assessed by professionals and to come face to face with the inner demons. Most importantly the psychiatric ward taught me to be completely alone. To detach myself from the outside world and understand what pain and suffering really is.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Yvette Mystakas

Yvette Mystakas is the founder and owner of She is Sacred - a blog, which embraces Womanhood, Sisterhood and Motherhood. She writes raw, from the heart, heartbreaking yet empowering words of her struggles with mental health, the importance of self-care and identity. Yvette has brought together women from across the globe sharing each other's stories. Whether they are a mother, single woman, wife, girlfriend, she is reassuring that we are all not alone and to embrace this beautiful mess. You can follow Yvette's journey on Facebook and Instagram.  

Children Don’t Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger

In: Inspiration, Mental Health, Motherhood
Children Don't Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger www.herviewfromhome.com

“This too shall pass.” As mothers, we cling to these words as we desperately hope to make it past whichever parenting stage currently holds us in its clutches. In the thick of newborn motherhood, through night wakings, constant nursing and finding our place in an unfamiliar world, we long for a future filled with more sleep and less crying. We can’t imagine any child or time being more difficult than right now. Then, a toddler bursts forth, a tornado of energy destroying everything in his wake. We hold our breath as he tests every possible limit and every inch of...

Keep Reading

I Don’t Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does

In: Health, Mental Health, Relationships
I Don't Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does www.herviewfromhome.com

I don’t have anxiety but my husband does.  We should have realized this years ago but we missed it. The realization came suddenly and as soon as it popped in my mind, it came out of my mouth. “You have anxiety.” I said. He looked at me trying to determine if I was joking or serious. “I am serious, you have anxiety.” His eyes left mine and found his phone. He picked it up and said, “Hey Siri, give me the definition of anxiety.” As the virtual assistant read off the definition she may as well have been reading my man’s personality...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Mom With the Anxious Soul

In: Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
To the Mom With the Anxious Soul www.herviewfromhome.com

I see you, mama. You’re the one sitting alone at the family party. You’re the one hovering a little too close to your sweet babies at the park. You’re the one standing in the bathroom at work for just a moment of quiet. Your thoughts are swirling constantly, faster and more fearful that a “regular” mama. You find yourself spaced out at times, and hyper aware at others. You’ve heard the words “just relax” and “everything is fine” more times than you care to count. Sometimes you wish you could make everyone understand why you are the way you are...

Keep Reading

I Know You’re Exhausted, Mama—But Experts Say You NEED That Momcation

In: Mental Health, Motherhood
I Know You're Exhausted, Mama—But Experts Say You NEED That Momcation www.herviewfromhome.com

I waved as our old blue truck rolled down the road away from where I stood, planted on the sidewalk alone. There I was staring down my first solo stay away from my husband and sons, and the only thought I could muster up was what on Earth was I thinking planning a weekend to myself in the city?  Would my kids be okay without me? More like, would I be OK without them? The answer to both questions was of course, yes, but in that moment I couldn’t help but have doubt because, well, you know—”time off” doesn’t exactly...

Keep Reading

A Morning in the Life of a Mom With Anxiety

In: Child, Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
A Morning in the Life of a Mom With Anxiety www.herviewfromhome.com

I wake up to the sound of my kids in the kitchen, the morning sun peeping through my window. I immediately cringe at the thought of having to parent today. And why? Because my anxiety and depression is so strong that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I start thinking about all the things I need to get done, and then I remember that one child has baseball practice for two hours tonight. The other child won’t want to go and will pitch a fit. I roll over to get the sun out of my eyes....

Keep Reading

Our Daughter Hated School; We Finally Discovered Why (and How to Help)

In: Child, Mental Health, School
Our Daughter Hated School; We Finally Discovered Why (and How to Help) www.herviewfromhome.com

I wish we had clued in to our daughter’s generalized anxiety disorder a lot earlier then we did. It’s not for a lack of information available, it’s just that you don’t research it when you believe your child simply hates school. I mean our generation struggled with complicated friendships, PE class, and strict teachers too. Even our great-grandmothers had to survive the “mean girls”. So, our children will make it through, too, right? The problem is sometimes it’s more than just struggling to fit in; it’s a debilitating anxiety that leaves them feeling like they are treading in water over...

Keep Reading

What It Feels Like to Parent With Anxiety

In: Child, Mental Health, Motherhood
What It Feels Like to Parent With Anxiety www.herviewfromhome.com

When my second child was born he wasn’t crying. I immediately sat up in the hospital bed and asked the nurses what was wrong. “He’s fine. Everything’s fine.” But I knew they were lying. A mother knows, and my anxiety-ridden heart was in full-blown panic until I knew my boy was OK. He had swallowed some meconium and turned blue as he struggled to breathe. He had a rough start, but in the end he really was fine. My heart, however, was not. Having anxiety is hard. Having anxiety when you are a mom can be crippling. When you are a mom with...

Keep Reading

To the Husband Whose Wife Has Depression

In: Mental Health, Relationships
To the Husband Whose Wife Has Depression www.herviewfromhome.com

To the husband whose wife has depression,  First of all, it’s already a blessing to your wife that you have chosen her to spend the rest of your life, even eternity, with. Depression is never a battle you’d want to face alone. So having you as her companion, either standing next to her or carrying her in your arms and being that support to her (sometimes, even literally), is a gift she may not always be vocally appreciative of. But trust me, she is deeply and unequivocally grateful for it.  It’s no question that she has her “off” days when...

Keep Reading

Divorce is Not God’s Plan A

In: Faith, Mental Health, Relationships
Divorce is Not God's Plan A www.herviewfromhome.com

Divorce is not God’s Plan A. How can it be? It violently tears apart two people God himself knit together. It rips to shreds the hearts of those who once stared into each other’s eyes and said “I love you”; it makes meaningless the words and promises of lifelong love, commitment and “death alone can part us”. One day there is love. Then, something deeper and stronger takes hold of that love and crushes it until it is dead. For me, that “something” was mental illness. It stole my husband. It destroyed my marriage. He was attending seminary to become...

Keep Reading