I use to have to have control over everything. It made me feel safer and more secure in my life. I planned, put expectations into my head, and tried so hard for everything to be perfect. I would be disappointed and sad for days when things didn’t happen the way they went in my mind. Motherhood didn’t help this. It was difficult for me to let anyone assist with my babies. I had to do it. I needed to do it my way. Finances, the household, the child rearing. I clutched those all so tight. Even my marriage. If everything was just so, just right, just perfect, it would make it. I would be okay and not get hurt. I firmly held on to the reigns that if they slipped just slightly my whole world would crash down around me. I was so desperate to have the life I always wanted that I believed control was the only way to get it. 

I didn’t pray much and when I did I prayed for God to make things happen for me. Take the pain away God. Fix my marriage God. Make me happy God. I was on edge all the time. Scared of what was going to happen next. Worried of losing the only thing I knew. I carried it all on my shoulders letting it suffocate me. 

Well my life came crashing down. My whole being was ripped apart, exposed. Lost, I believed I was abandoned. I did everything right. I was a good wife, mother. I did what I was suppose to do. As one of my favorites states “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” J.K. Rowlings. My foundation was cracking and crumbling because I never had faith. I went through the motions but NEVER believed. 

 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

Be not afraid, only believe. -Mark 5:36

I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you. -2 Kings 20:5

 

I would read these and not really understand. In disbelief I listened to others speak of Him. I did not comprehend the love and mercy He has for me. But He wanted me and He knew that the only way to get me was by taking me to rock bottom. 

The control I held so rigidly close to me, like a shield protecting me from life and hurt, gone. It is gone. I gave it all up. I gave it over to the Lord. I learned I don’t want control. I cried out to Him and said take it. All of it. My life, my fears, my worries, my wants, my needs, my hopes, my future. I took all of them out of my hands and placed them into the Lord’s outreached palms. 

My prayers reflect this. Today, I pray that God grant me the strength and courage to face and handle whatever comes my way. I pray He gives me guidance to use my suffering for something more. I pray that my actions and words mirror Him. I pray that He keeps my children safe but if something where to happen to give me what I need to get through. I pray He gives me patience to understand His timing for my life. I stopped with the expectations. I stopped asking for the pain to go away. I stopped being afraid of failing. Of losing. Of not being perfect. I turn to Him for everything. And I have been set free. Because I know that no matter what happens, God has my back. I will rise up. He will not let me fall. I am changed. The woman I was a year ago is gone. The weight I felt I had to carry is no longer mine to hold. I am more relaxed. Calm. Serene. At peace. I can let it go and give it all over to God. Forgiveness comes easier. I worry less. What happens, happens. How I look at the world, relationships, and people is altered. I have more compassion and acceptance. Less anger and hate. My boys have seen a positive change in how I parent. We are living now. 

God’s love has made me new. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! – 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am taking this new life and nourishing it. Feeding my soul with the words of God. Focusing on living as the daughter of a King. This is the foundation I am building my new life. Because I now have God. 

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. -Psalm 46.5