I Try So Hard to Control My Life—But It’s Not Mine to Control

I have asked more than my fair share of whys in my lifetime.

Why me?
Why now?
Why this?

But mostly it’s been just God, why?

I’ve never been good at letting things go. I’ve never been one to REALLY give my problems over to the Lord. I’m good at worrying. I’m good at trying to control things. I’m good at doing all of the things I know the Lord tells me not to do. Lately, though, I’ve taken some time to step back and appreciate the reasons behind the whys and I could not be more thankful. 

When I was 18 and asked why that boy didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t get an answer, Lord. At least not one I wanted. Then when I was 20 and saying I do I heard you whisper ,“Do you see why now, my child?” I sheepishly grinned, knowing that your plan had been in play all along. 

When I was five weeks pregnant with my first son and the nurse said the words “threatened miscarriage” I asked why over and over again. I begged you to protect him, and you did, but I still didn’t understand. Why would you allow me to feel so much anxiety, Lord? You didn’t answer. The same question came into play when he was seven months old, confined to a hospital bed. I know he has so much purpose, Lord, why are you putting us through this? I couldn’t hear a thing. Now that I get to lay snuggled up to my perfectly healthy 2-year-old, I hear you whisper, “Do you see why now, my child? I needed you to realize the miracle that you hold when you hold him.” I snuggle him a little tighter as I think about how blessed I am to have him. 

When I was seven months pregnant with my second son and the contractions could only be stopped with multiple rounds of medication, I found myself once again asking why. I continued to ask why at the almost weekly trips to the hospital. I asked why every time the doctor looked at me with concern on his face to tell me that, despite all of our best efforts, labor was still progressing. During my time on bed rest I asked why repetitively. Why would you put me through this right now, Lord? You know I already have a baby to take care of. I didn’t get an answer. The day my sweet second boy was born though, I heard you whisper, “Do you see why now, my child? I knew that you needed extra time with your first-born before I blessed you with your second.” Tears filled my eyes as I watched my only become my oldest and knew that you were so right, Lord. 

When I was finding signs every time I turned around that my husband wasn’t holding true to his wedding vows I asked why. Why would you let him do this over and over, Lord? Radio silence, at least in my mind. The day I found the strength to walk away your station came on as I heard you whisper, “I never wanted this for you, my child. I tried to give you sign after sign. I hope you see why, now, that I had to allow you to hurt the way that you did.” I nodded as I felt your arms pick me up and wrap me in your unconditional love. 

I know I question you far too often, Lord. I know this control I try so hard to hold on to in so many aspects of my life does not belong to me, but to You. I know that even when I don’t think I’m getting an answer, You are always working in my life and the lives of my children. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Thank you for keeping my paths straight even when I’ve gotten in the way, Lord. Thank you for the blessings I will never be deserving of. Thank you for the love I will never be able to compare to. Thank you for the strength I would never be able to find.

Thank you for my unanswered prayers.