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Sometimes life just isn’t fair. In fact, at times, life is just plain cruel.

In one moment, your whole world can come crashing down around you. The wind is knocked from within and you are left struggling to draw the breath. 

Sometimes, you see it coming. And sometimes, it comes out of nowhere.

That’s where I found myself yesterday. Standing in the bathroom, staring at the toilet, begging for things to change. 

Unable to move. Unable to talk. 

Silent tears rolling down my face

Words finally came. Words of sheer desperation and devastation. 

“No, please. Not me. Not my baby!”

I wanted to fix it. I pleaded with God. I begged the universe. 

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A silent car ride.

An agonizing wait.

A few tests.

A million tears.

I had become part of the statistic. The one in four. 

I was told it happens often. That there was nothing I did wrong. That there was nothing I could have done to change it. But those words didn’t help my heart. 

My sweet husband stood behind me as the doctors left the room.

“You know,” he said, “their souls don’t belong to us. We are just their protectors while they are here. They belong to God and He has a plan.”

He was right. I’m not one to fight against the will of God. I wasn’t angry at Him.

I know that, if anything, God knows exactly what it’s like to lose a child. 

Sure, I have questions. 

My heart is broken

My spirit is weak. 

My body is in pain. 

But I have not lost sight of the beauty. Sunny days are always nice but storms can be beautiful too. 

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I know Heaven gained another angel yesterday.

I know I had the chance to love another sweet baby. 

I know my little darling is safe and happy and loved.

And I know that one day, when I get to Heaven, I am going to hear another little voice call me Mommy for the first time. 

We will meet someday soon, Sweet Pea. And Mommy can’t wait! 

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

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Katelyn Brown

Katelyn Brown is a new face to the blogging world but has been a lifelong writer. She used writing as a therapeutic outlet to overcome a severe bout with anorexia. She has since mentored many women online that struggle with navigating the choppy waters of this life. Katelyn has been recently promoted to a stay-at-home-mommy that keeps it real. She is willing to display her own flaws in order to help others. Her goal in this life is to use her own victories and struggles to help other women. Katelyn hopes to build a platform for women to feel empowered by their own flawed journey.

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