It felt like an out-of-body experience as I watched my fingers type into the Google search bar, “Local divorce lawyers near me.” I just want to know my options. Yet, my heart pounded as realized I was halfway serious in considering a divorce.

There was no betrayal, no abuse, no lying, or cheating. My husband was and is a good man. The truth was he did not do anything wrong, I was just convinced he was doing nothing right. We were in the thick of life with a new baby, and I was certain that the man I loved was no longer the right man for me. Deep down, I imagined someone out there could possibly love me better or who could see me for who I really was.

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I never used to understand when people would say, “Oh, we just grew apart,” until it happened to us. As we sat on our couch, opposite sides, phones in our hands just scrolling aimlessly, I wondered . . . When was the last time we had a real conversation? One that didn’t revolve around nap schedules, work, or who was doing bedtime that night?

I wanted to scream. There has to be more to marriage than this. I can’t live like this, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, for the rest of our lives. It was my breaking point.

The next morning at work, I confided in a dear friend and mentor. Through tears, I  admitted the thought I had been so afraid to speak, “How can our marriage last for 50 more years if sometimes I can not even stand the sight of him?”

I let out a sigh of relief. The scariest thing I had ever thought about my marriage failing was finally out in the open. She listened as I explained the struggles we were having, about how I genuinely loved the man but we were out of sync.

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After my rambling, she kindly and vulnerably shared with me about a challenging time she and her husband went through. I asked her why she chose to stay, and I will never forget her response, “Ultimately, at the end of the day, when I pictured my life,   I could not and did not want to picture my life without him.”

Neither did I. So that afternoon I went home and finally had the hard conversation with my husband. I don’t want a divorce, but I want to feel seen. I don’t want anyone else, but I won’t settle for mediocre love.

And we didn’t. We didn’t settle. We put in the work, and after lots of prayers, a helpful counselor, and many moments of open and vulnerable communication, I am so glad I did not give up.

We have experienced more joy, more love, and more connection than we ever have before. We are no longer on opposite sides of the couch. While we may not have a Hallmark movie romance, what we have is real. Our love is steady, compassionate, strong, and stubborn. It’s ours.