I am in an awkward friend stage.
Let me explain. I have wonderful friends. They are supporting me and loving me through this very difficult time. I can count on them to listen when I need to talk, watch my kids when I have an appointment, and drink when I need a drink. However, most of them are married with young kids. Some stay home, some work, all are my comrades in arms when it comes to motherhood. And I relate to them 25 days out of the month. Then I become single Katie with no kid responsibility and I am lost. It is hard to make plans with them on my kid free weekends. Babysitters have to be planned or husbands home. No prior family commitments scheduled. It takes time to plan a night out. I understand and respect this because I have lived it and was there not too long ago.
I have lost some friends. Divorce makes others uncomfortable. A neighbor friend dropped me as soon as I told her of the separation and impending sale of our home. It hurt. It made me doubt. It made me think that others were going to do the same. Most have not. But some friendships are slipping away. Our connection of my husband now broken. And I am grieving the loss. Yet some friendships have grown and sustained. The divorce brought new ones in my life that I am grateful for. They are helping me heal.
I worry that the darkness in my life is overshadowing my friends’ happy light. I try to be a good friend. I know there are some friendships I could try harder. Reach out. Be present. For some, I hope they wait. Wait for me to come back to the light. Don’t give up on me. I pray some reach out to me. Know I am still here.
I feel as though I don’t quite fit in anywhere. No longer a SAHM. No longer part of a married couple. No longer couples friends. Not yet dating. Not really single. A full time mom. A mom with no kids for periods of time. Where do I belong? Who am I? At times, I feel as though I am living two separate lives. Do I have mom friends and then single friends? Do those ever combine together? Where do I go from here? How do I move on from this?
It’s a part of divorce. The in between. The loss. The grieving. The feeling of being on the outside. Friendships made through marriage and lost with the end of marriage. It saddens me. I don’t know how to say good bye. And I don’t really know how to start over.