This is the kind of mom I am right now.
Don’t talk to me during gymnastics class or swim class—this is my quiet time, and I am either getting a break from life or catching up on texts and emails or looking up the hours of the trampoline park for our next playdate.
My Notes app is filled with grocery list upon grocery list. I have developed systems to stay sane. When grocery shopping, I get the one item I need first rather than last because too many times I forget the one thing I need and can’t make dinner.
I date the wet dog food can when I open it otherwise I have no idea when I opened it and end up throwing it out, same goes for leftovers because I can’t remember what night I cooked what, and all the days blend.
If my husband sets the coffee up on the timer for tomorrow morning before he comes to bed, I fall more in love with him.
Don’t call me—I only text. If you do call me, just know I will not answer, and while seeing your name come up on my phone when you do call, I am going to stare at my ringing phone and ask why you are calling me instead of texting me like a normal person.
One of my life goals is to not forget wet clothes in the washing machine or dryer because it creates more work for me, and I am not about that right now. So, this has become a life goal because laundry is a part of my daily life and when I am on it, I feel like I am winning at life.
I don’t let my gas tank get empty anymore—no way. I fill up often because inevitably we are always running late on the day the gas tank is empty, so I stopped that.
I spend the majority of my day planning meals, particularly dinner. I don’t have a choice if I want a peaceful life. Not planning dinner makes me ragey come 4 p.m.
Some nights I tell my husband I am too tired to do bedtime and ask that he do the whole thing. Me from two years ago didn’t know this was an option, and I feel sorry for her. This has made my life 1000% better. And P.S., my husband always says yes, which makes me even sadder that I didn’t start doing this two years sooner.
If I meet you at the park or science museum and our kids hit it off and want to set up a future playdate, I will ask you for your number and then call you right then and there to make sure I got the number correct because for some reason it is hard to put in a number in front of a new person.
If you are invited to my house with your kids, this means I really, really, really like you. It also means I am comfortable with you because I am no longer cleaning my house before friends come over. I just can’t handle the stress anymore, so I’ve stopped. It also means I am comfortable with how you parent.
If you give me hand-me-downs from your children for my child, you are my forever friend. This is the kindest and most thoughtful gesture one can show me, and I will thank you endlessly.
I only give money to my kid’s teachers for the holidays. It is too hard to think of gifts they want, so I just give money and make it easy for me, and they are happy.
I will monitor screen time, but if I am sick or tired, you get to watch TV all day, and I know it makes no sense, but this is what I do to survive . . . so enjoy it.
I have learned about decluttering toys and it works, so I will only give gifts for your birthday and the holidays. I know, I am the worst. But more crap never makes you happy and it makes for a cluttered home that I have to pick up, so this is the rule now. Be grateful you get what you get.
Don’t worry if you forget a jacket, shoes, or socks, my car trunk is filled with half of your wardrobe, and I likely have already packed what you might need. I think I also still have your Halloween costume in the trunk if you need that too.
All plans with family and friends are tentative—we never know when someone is going to be sick or having an off day, so we don’t force things anymore; instead, we choose to reschedule.
Last but not least, I take 15-minute showers, at a MINIMUM. I am making up for lost time during the newborn and toddler years.