By Kristin Cilente 
When I would host parties in high school, Jeanine (my stepmom for the last 20 years) would leave a note on the front door for my friends:
Big Kids,
The little kids are asleep.
Don’t ring the doorbell. Please knock.
~WSM ( The “Wicked Stepmom”)
Growing up, my stepmom treated all four of us siblings equally—two of my brothers are biologically hers (not related to my dad) while my brother and I were biologically related to my dad (not related to her). Though there were four of us, and she had a full time job as an art teacher, she made herself available for all of us the same.
When I was in college and needed to run to work shortly after, she made sure there was food waiting so I could eat and make it to work on time. She did the same for my brothers and their after school schedules also.
She brought newness into our family we hadn’t been acquainted with such as natural eating, free spiritedness, and decision making. She introduced me, my brother, and father to natural peanut butter. She was always buying and preparing fresh fruits and vegetables ready for snacking, and before she would go food shopping, she would call my brothers and I downstairs to ask what we wanted from the store.
These may be little things to you, but being included and given a voice made such a difference to all of us. She was present with us, made sure we knew why we wanted to do what we wanted to do, and when plans changed, she was flexible about it. Dorm away, commute to class, move out of state, she supported our decisions with optimism and confidence in us (at least, to our faces).
She selflessly loved the four of us and never looked for credit or confirmation that we appreciated what she did. She would always say to me, “You have to be the person you want to be.” She was the kind of woman who walked her talk.
When we would all go out together as a family, people (not knowing we were a blended family) loved to comment. “Wow,” they would say to my dad, “None of them even resemble you.” And they would turn to my stepmom and say, “They all look like you!” She truly deserved that, and she would kindly reply with a thank you.
I’m now 40 years old, and looking back, my favorite memories were less about what she did or said specifically, but more so the way she made herself available, was a hands on parent, and when we wanted to learn something new, she gave us the tools to do it.
When she fell in love with my dad and they got married, she didn’t just marry my dad. She truly committed to all of us–and still does.
She was the only one who teared up when I came downstairs in my wedding dress as everyone bustled around getting ready. After I gave birth to my first son, when everyone immediately went to look at the baby, she was the one who showed up at the hospital with a big tray of sushi and hugged me saying, “Good job, Mommy.” And she just recently helped me wallpaper my downstairs bathroom with way more patience than I had.
For any and all stepmoms reading this, please know that you make a difference. It may take some time though. Trust is built.
You aren’t your stepchildren’s biological parent, you didn’t carry them in your womb. Maybe they call you mom, maybe they don’t. And maybe you need to navigate through rough or, at least wavy, waters with their biological mom. But you can absolutely be a positive influence in the lives of children who wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to be this close to you otherwise.
They are watching you too. You matter in the scheme of their life, so be sure to walk in the role with grace, humility, love, and a whole lot of prayer, and things have a way of coming together. It really is worth it.
I do believe in nature versus nurture, and from my experience, nurture has an even greater influence over nature because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my stepmom. She shaped me into the kind of mother I became, and I am healthier, stronger, and happier because of her.
by Amy Williams 
