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I didn’t understand miscarriage. Don’t get me wrong, I understood what happens. A woman loses a pregnancy. But I didn’t understand the hurt and loss.

I’ve lost family members and friends before their time, so I know the pain of grieving. But I was never able to understand the great pain associated with a miscarriage until I had one.

We were just a few days away from announcing to our family that we were expecting baby #2 when we lost the baby. Having an 18-month-old, I didn’t have any worries that I would miscarry. I thought since I had already done the pregnancy thing, I would be good to go. But I was wrong.

Perhaps one of the most shocking things I discovered through my miscarriage, was the shame in talking about it. You see, I felt like a failure. I know God is all-knowing. I know He has a plan. But I still wondered why I failed. Did I fail my husband, too? Was I not a good enough wife? What about as a mother? Could I still be a good mother, even though I couldn’t carry a second baby?

Did you know that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage? I’m guessing you’ve probably heard this statistic before. I had. But it didn’t mean anything to me until I became part of it. You guys, that’s a lot of miscarriages! Why don’t we talk about it?

It hurts, I know. I felt the physical pain for over a week. I’ve felt the emotional pain much longer. But you see when someone loses a loved one, we wrap our arms around them in comfort. We grieve their loss. We attend a funeral and send sympathy cards. We check in on them regularly to see that they’re doing okay.

But when someone loses a baby? No one knows. No one checks on you. No one asks how are you and if you’re doing okay. No one sits with you and reminds you of our God’s awesome power and plan; His healing comfort.

But if we talk about it? If we don’t feel the stigma and the shame associated with a miscarriage? Then we allow women to grieve the loss of a child. Then we give them open space to share their loss, so we can wrap our arms around them, praying with them, and show them God’s love.

Because here is the truth – You are not a failure. Your body did not fail you. You are still a wonderful wife, mother, friend, and daughter of the King. There is nothing wrong with you because you miscarried. And you deserve to grieve your loss.

We must start talking about this. We must start sharing our pain. We can’t leave 1 in 3 women alone, wondering why their body failed them.

I chose to share. It was beyond hard and indescribably humbling. But mostly? It was encouraging. There were countless women I knew who had experienced my same pain & loss, but not shared it before. I made connections that took me through one of the roughest experiences in my life. My husband was blessed by the sharing as well, as he was also reached out to by men in his life who had stood by their wife’s side while she lost a child.

We always talk about furthering God’s work here on earth. Let’s not leave miscarriage out of that. God has great plans, and unfortunately sometimes those plans include heartaches, but there is always a greater purpose.

I will never hold that sweet baby in my arms. I wasn’t there the first time our sweet baby opened their eyes. But Christ was.

Sara Halvorsen

Sara is a coach's wife & mama to a sweet little girl. She lives in small town Nebraska where she is a stay at home mom. She is saved by grace and striving to live a life that honors Christ. Her passions include faith, family, fitness, and football. Oh, and coffee. All the coffee. 

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