I Thought I Wanted Another Baby, But I Really Just Want To Rewind Time

I don’t want another baby…

But I used to think I did.

The sweet newborn snuggles.

The experience of my first two.

Doing the “firsts” all over again.

But it hit me like a ton of bricks one day:

I don’t want another baby.

No. I want to rewind time.

I want to go back and hold my baby daughters just a little longer.

I want to savor the slow moments of the past with the knowledge I have now—it goes so quickly.

I want to breastfeed and pump, knowing that yes, it was going to come together. And yes, formula would be okay in the rougher moments.

I want to play with my toddler one more time, this time holding onto the to-do list a little more loosely.

I want to tell my younger self, “You’re doing great.”

I want to navigate those newborn days and nights while not navigating the domestic abuse we were in at the time.

I want to experience it all without the survival mode I was in at the time—both from the abuse and from postpartum anxiety and depression.

I just want to go back, even for a day, with my present knowledge and freedom.

I don’t want a whole new human being to raise.

I want to relive the memories with my daughters so they’re just a little clearer. A little less fear-filled. A little more present.

No, I don’t want another baby. I just want a time machine.

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Articles by A Cogent

A Cogent

I am a blessed wife and working mama to two little girls, who are 18 months apart in age. Vocationally, I am a medical laboratory scientist; however, my favorite hobby is writing, highly influenced by my journey as a formerly single mom navigating beyond various traumas in my life. My sole purpose is to reach the one person who needs to know she is not alone.

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