I’ll Always Want Another Baby

I don’t think I’ll ever not want another baby.

I’ll be wandering the mall to pick up some new things for my kids, and it will hit me. I see those teeny baby clothes. You know the ones. The ones that come in a size that wouldn’t even fit the dolls my daughter plays with now. I stop what I’m doing and go over to look. I gently unfold the soft cotton and marvel over how at one point each of my three children was this size. They each lay in their bassinets and didn’t even fill them out.

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My fingers trace the tiny embellishments, the light blue piping on the collar or the tiny pink bow, and I remember what it felt like to find out I was having each one.

To realize the drawers in their nursery chests would be filled with a sea of blue or pink. The only thing clueing anyone into their gender would be the clothes I selected for them. Their bald heads and tiny faces otherwise unidentifiable.

I remember their smells. The soft feel of their cheeks. The first bath where I gently sponged off their fresh pink skin. Putting mittens on their hands. Tucking their tiny feet under a blanket in their stroller. 

The fragility of a baby. Their utter dependence on me, their mom. The way they’d stop crying the second I picked them up. How they never let me put them down those first few weeks. Their constant need and the sweetness of it all.

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And then when I see a baby in a car seat in a shopping cart . . . when the mother has draped a cloth over the top to undoubtedly keep out germs and prying eyes, yet it’s fallen to the side, and I glimpse the impossibly small infant in the carrier . . . my heart aches. Every time I can’t pull my eyes away. 

I remember those days. I remember going out in public the very first time with my very first baby. I was so nervous, and yet my fussy little girl slept the whole time, undoubtedly soothed by the motion of the car and my errands.

I wonder what it would be like to do it all again. Those sweet baby days that seemed to stretch forever but in reality blur by in a flash.

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It’s over for us. Our family is complete and there won’t be any more babies for a whole variety of reasons. But I’ll always want one more. Because there is absolutely nothing sweeter in this world than a newborn baby.

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