So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

Secondary infertility is hard. It’s an all-encompassing phenomenon that hyper focuses your brain on a single goal: another baby. The perplexity of secondary infertility is that you’ve done this before. You fertilized an embryo, carried the growing child within your womb, and delivered your bundle. It was the most challenging and yet seemingly effortless event of your life. Looking back, you wonder how you achieved such an amazing feat without assistance.

Now, with Clearblue ovulation tests pouring from your pantry, period trackers abounding, basal body flow charts, and the pineapple (so much pineapple) you are unable to do the one thing you thought your body was built for.

It’s infuriating. It’s exhausting. Mostly, it just plain sucks.

I think it’s fair to feel restless and unfulfilled during this process. Making babies is supposed to be fun and easy not excruciatingly complicated. But this time, complicated is all you know. From the negative tests to the positive ones followed by losses, the doctor’s appointments, the blood draws, and the hormone shotsyou’ve felt all the feels and not the ones that make you glow inside.

RELATED: The Silent Struggle of Secondary Infertility

You’re sick of the encouraging messages like you’ve done this before, you’ll do it again. Or, hey at least trying is the fun. And my personal favorite you just have to stop thinking about it, and then it will happen. These are well-intended but don’t encapsulate the rollercoaster you travel upon each month. 

I’ve never prayed for patience, and yet, God is telling me to wait. It’s taken me months to accept this as a response to my emphatic plea. Wait. Really? Somehow, this answer, (if you want to call it one), is worse than no. My mind spins with questions. So, it’s still possible then? When will I get it? What do I need to do to achieve it? Should I just give up? And the paramount inquiry, why? 

It was yesterday when the pieces fell into place for me.

My son took my hand in his own, requesting I share cantaloupe with him. So with his sweet fruit and sweeter face, he and I sat on the steps of our deck letting the warm spring wind blow by us. We munched on the orange bites and watched the birds eat from our neighbor’s feeder . . . we even saw a helicopter.

It was a big day for him, one he thanked Jesus for in his evening prayers. In those moments, he snuggled into me, asking for me to “hold him more.” I squeezed tightly and felt tears welling up.

Here I was wishing for the future and missing . . . this

Time is so fleeting. How few minutes will it be just us? How many seconds will he have his parents all to himselfthe beautiful undivided attention of the firstborn? How blessed is he to not have to share me? And yet, he is sharing me with a dream I have refused to lay down and wait for.  

I can’t give up his time just to want something that doesn’t exist yet. How silly and undoubtedly unfair to distract myself from this perfect little boy covered in cantaloupe juice who is pointing out everything that flies.

This waiting time belongs to him, and I want to give him every second I can. 

Even in the beauty of this moment, I know I’ll still struggle with this revelation. But I want to learn how to wait better. I don’t want to be distracted on these perfect days. We mention our disclaimersfor me, it’s my husband and my son, the people who we are and who I should be so thankful for. All the while, we are waiting miserably for what we desire next. 

RELATED: The Unexpected Joy of Waiting on God

I savor the memories of when I could give my husband all of my focus while I waited for my first son. I miss those times of impromptu romance, uninterrupted conversations, and Sunday mornings to sleep in. I wouldn’t trade now for then . . . now is better, but I miss those things.

I know that’s how it will be when this season is over.

I will be elated to grow our family, but I will also miss when my hugs were reserved just for him, when I could lay beside him even after he fell asleep brushing back the hair on his forehead, when I could listen to his adventures with Grandma without distraction, when his discoveries, his messes, and his laughter were what made up my whole world.

More babies bring more joy, but if I must wait, I don’t need to ask why anymore. My why is before me, and I won’t blink because I don’t want to miss a thing. 

Ashley Testa

I am a teacher, wife, mom, and coffee enthusiast who sometimes reflects on this perfectly imperfect life.

Secondary Infertility – Living With The Heartache of Loss

In: Grief, Infertility
Secondary Infertility - Living With The Heartache of Loss www.herviewfromhome.com

Time is a funny thing, I remember being pregnant at 30 and feeling like I was in the prime of my life. As I type this, time seems to bend and I can hear the ding of the elevator that opened up in front of me to take me up one, two, three, four, five floors to the labor and delivery hall. I can feel myself sitting on that hospital bed, clammy hands on my knees, white knuckled and nervous, fighting back a bit of hysteria, excited and on the verge of a freak out. As it turned out, I...

Keep Reading

What Trying For a Baby Is Like When You Have Trouble Getting Pregnant

In: Health, Journal
What Trying For a Baby Is Like When You Have Trouble Getting Pregnant www.herviewfromhome.com

When I married the love of my life, we intentionally set out to enjoy marriage for a while. We knew we wanted to be in a really great place before changing up that dynamic. When we were ready to switch gears and try for baby, we never imagined that it would be so difficult to conceive. At first, it was no big deal; we weren’t in any rush so we figured if it happened, it happened. Six months go by . . . and nothing. OK, no big deal, maybe we just need to time things a bit more closely....

Keep Reading

Why Won’t God Give Us the Baby We’re Praying For?

In: Baby, Faith, Motherhood
Sad couple

Our family lives in a very weird part of America. Unlike the majority of families in our country with their 1.9 children, it’s not uncommon to see minivans unloading anywhere between four and seven kids at our local parks. Some parents even drive 12-passenger vans to accommodate their large families. Our community is very pro-family and that generally means having lots of kids. I never planned on having seven kids, personally. I would be happy with four, maybe five. I dream of having at least two boys and two girls, but I’ve always assumed our family would be a bit...

Keep Reading

5 Secrets to the

BEST Summer Ever!

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Creating simple summer memories

with your kids that will  last a lifetime

Mother Holding Baby

5 Secrets

for New Moms

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Encouragement for the newborn stage