I’ve always been the friend who cared more. I didn’t realize it until recently. As I’ve reflected on life, I can see it’s something I’ve done since childhood. Honestly, it’s a hard burden.
My whole life, I’ve kept my circle tight. I knew who I trusted, and I’ve never been one to change just to make another person like me more. Maybe that’s where my issue is, I won’t change my values for others. My husband tells me it’s one of my greatest but also my worst traits. It is—I don’t see a lot of gray.
However, I also feel like that’s what makes it so easy for me to be the friend who cares more. I see your value. I see who you are and I love that about you. I see the good parts of me that you bring out. I see the hard parts of life we share. And I want to be there for all of it.
That’s where it gets me. I’ve learned over the years that not everyone wants the same thing and it’s hard.
It’s hard to feel like the easily forgotten friend.
The friend who doesn’t get invited, the one who doesn’t get a visit when you come back to the area, the friend who never gets a random message checking in. It’s harder when you care and are always the one making the effort.
The first time I realized I cared more, I was in college and one of my best friends was graduating from high school. I didn’t get invited to the party, and it stung. It hurt because I’d seriously have done anything in the world for her and it was then that I realized she didn’t feel the same. It’s a trait that’s continued through adulthood, and each time I think it’ll get easier, but it doesn’t. It still hurts.
I see those who have found their people. I try to always be genuinely happy for them, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. Jealous because when I find someone I connect with, I throw my whole heart into it and hope it’s my next step to building my group. Yet each time, I’m brought back down and realize they clearly have their own group outside of me, and it’s one I’m not going to be invited to join. It gets hard to try to extend the olive branch to make new friends because it often feels like I put myself out there only to be rejected, even by those who claim to have the same struggles with friendships.
I care too much. It’s a blessing and a curse.
I’ll never regret loving someone more because I know I gave it my all and tried to love like God wants me to love others. It hurts though.
Maybe one day I’ll find my people, the group I can always count on. Until then, I’ll keep giving it my all and hoping that one day I’ll be part of a group that cares SO much about each other that caring doesn’t feel like a burden anymore.