As we entered our daughter’s Transitional Kindergarten class we were greeted with a smile and someone who wanted to connect with us. Our daughter, although shy and nervous, was able to open up and felt wanted and excited. A few months later at a dance camp, we entered the dance room and couldn’t tell who the instructor was. We weren’t greeted or welcomed. Needless to say, as we waited for class to start, the shyness and nerves took over and our daughter didn’t want me to leave or to stay for class. We worked through it and she ended up loving class.

What was the difference between these two instructors?

One made a point to welcome us and show interest. The other didn’t.

Don’t we feel better when someone welcomes us with a smile or handshake and shows interest? This seems like a simple concept. A strong greeting sets up a successful interaction. But fellow parents, how often do you do this with your children?

Both of these instructors were great and our daughter ended up loving both classes. But one teacher had a special “trick.” She made a point to collect our daughter as she entered the room.

Gordon Neufield, PhD, and Gabor Mate, MD, who is well known for his work on childhood trauma and addiction, discuss the action of collecting and recollecting our kids when we first encounter them or when we are reencountering them. When we are away from our children, typically because of sleep, school, or work, but even including small separations like the 20 minutes of playing outside while you made dinner, we need to make a point to reconnect and collect them. The first thing a parent should do when reencountering their child is to greet them as a means to recollect them.

These greetings can vary in size. When picking our daughter up from school, a hug and holding hands to the car followed by the conversation about her day works well. In the morning, a big hug and a snuggle seem to be our favorite. When our son comes in to tell me a story while working on the computer, eye contact, a smile, and giving him my full attention are enough to show him I am here to listen.

One important point to remember is the ritualization. What can you do that can be a ritual? My greeting for our daughter after school is the same each day. Teachers who give high fives as students walk in have created a welcoming ritual for students.

These loving greetings make a lot of sense when our kids are young, but as they become more independent or grow into teenagers we may feel these greetings no longer have a place. This is not true. Please continue to pursue your teenager who seems to want nothing to do with you. Your relationship with him is the most important predictor of his success and the most important part of your parenting.

Parents, I know you are busy. I know you have to get out the door by 7:40 or you will not have time to get your kids to school and get yourself to work or an appointment. I know you need to make dinner and finish the laundry and still make it to baseball practice. I know you need to get back to work after picking your child up from the bus stop. Believe me, I get how busy you are and how many things you need to do.

But I encourage you to take that extra time, whether it be an extra 30 second hug (the amount of time needed for all the good love hormones to begin releasing), or an extra three-minute conversation, to connect with your children. Meet them when they wake up with a hug and a smile. Meet them when they get out of school with a hug and a conversation about their day. Tell them how happy you are to see them. Meet them when they get home from practice with connection over dinner. The moments may seem short, but they add up.

Here are some impactful ways to collect your child. What others can you think of?

·         Smiles

·         Eye contact

·         Hug

·         Tickles

·         Conversation

·         Ask questions

·         High fives

·         Holding hands

·         Kisses

·         Give them time to adjust from one activity to another

·         Give full attention

·         “I’m so happy to see you!”

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Emily Scott

Emily Scott, PhD, is a stay at home mom of three, and part time parenting consultant and blogger who has written and spoken on various parenting topics including child development, ACEs, and tips on raising responsible kids. 

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

You May Be a Big Brother, but You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother with young son, color photo

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Back then, we were new parents, clueless but full of love—a love that words can hardly explain. I can vividly recall holding you in my arms, rocking you in the cutest nursery, and singing sweet lullabies, just like yesterday. I can picture those times when you were teeny-tiny, doing tummy time, and how proud I was of you for lifting your head. And oh, the happiness on your face when “Baby Shark” played over and over—that song always made you smile! We made sure to capture your growth...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

My Child with Special Needs Made His Own Way in His Own Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding child's hand walking across street

I want to tell you the story of a little boy who came to live with me when he was three years old. Some of you may find this story familiar in your own life. Your little boy or girl may have grown inside you and shares your DNA or maybe they came into your life much older than three. This little boy, this special child, my precious gift has special needs. Just five short years ago, he was a bit mean and angry, he said few understandable words, and there was a lot about this world he didn’t understand. Unless...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter as You Grow into Yourself

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Girl in hat and dress-up clothes, color photo

My daughter, I watched you stand in front of the mirror, turning your body left and right. Your skirt was too big and your top on backward. Your bright blue eyeshadow reached your eyebrows and bold red blush went up to your ears. You didn’t care. I watched you marvel at your body, feeling completely at ease in your skin. You turned and admired yourself with pride. You don’t see imperfections. You don’t see things you are lacking. You see goodness. You see strength. RELATED: Daughter, When You Look in the Mirror, This is What I Hope You See I’m...

Keep Reading

Organized Sports Aren’t Everything

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young girl with Alpaca, color photo

Today I watched my little girl walk an alpaca. His name is Captain. Captain is her favorite. He’s my favorite too. I met his owner on Instagram of all places. She thought I was in college; I thought she was a middle-aged woman. Turns out, she is in high school, and I am a middle-aged woman. This random meeting led to a blessing. We call it “llama lessons.” We take llama lessons every other week. It’s an hour away on the cutest hobby farm. Our “teacher” is Flora, who boards her llamas at the alpaca farm. She wants to teach...

Keep Reading

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

5 Things Your Child’s Kindergarten Teacher Wants You To Know

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child raising hand in kindergarten class

I am a teacher. I have committed my life to teaching children. Of course, before I began this career, I had visions of standing in front of a group of eager-eyed children and elaborating on history, science, and math lessons. I couldn’t wait to see the “lightbulb” moments when students finally understood a reading passage or wrote their first paper. And then I had my first day. Children are not cut out of a textbook (shocking, I know) but as a young 23-year-old, it knocked me right off my feet. I was thrown into the lion’s den, better known as...

Keep Reading