Mommy can’t play right now, honey, she has anxiety.

I know you want me to help with your puzzle, but my mind is all fuzzy and distracted and I can’t focus. The sound of the dice knocking loudly against that cup is overwhelming me in a way I can’t quite explain and I’m feeling far too restless to sit on the floor and take turns at Candy Land. You go ahead and play by yourself and maybe I’ll join you in a while.

Mommy’s sorry for losing her temper.

You spilled juice all over the couch after I had just asked you to be careful, and I yelled. Again. I know it was an accident and certainly didn’t call for that kind of reaction, it’s just that sometimes when I’m feeling on edge it only takes the smallest nudge to knock me over.

Mommy is going to go lie down, sweetie.

It’s a beautiful day and I know I said maybe we would go to the park but inside my heart, it’s feeling pretty cloudy. Getting us all ready to go anywhere sounds like an impossible task when all I really want to do is climb into bed and sleep until tomorrow.

Mommy’s heating up some chicken nuggets for dinner. 

Yes, I know we had them for dinner last night, too, but today was long and I’m struggling this week. It was all I could do to hold it together through the day, and so tonight, instead of dirty counters and a sinkful of dishes, chicken nuggets will have to do.

Mommy’s heart is so heavy as she peeks at you sleeping sweetly in your bed, little one.

I hate that at such a young age, you sometimes have to care for me when I should be the one caring for you. You know to shhh your brother when I’m feeling overwhelmed and you encourage me to take deep breaths when you see my mood spiraling. It hurts my heart when I cry and you immediately begin making promises to be a good boy—oh my love, you are the best boy.

I need you to know my tears have nothing to do with you. You’re wonderful and precious and everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Do you know that? Do you feel my love through the darkness?

I worry I’m missing out on the joy in this season of your littleness. I know this time is fleeting and we’ll never have it back. You deserve so much more than the bare minimum but lately, I feel like that’s all I have to give. I pray it’s enough.

Mommy has anxiety, honey.

It must be confusing why I don’t enjoy all of the things I used to and why I don’t smile quite so often. Maybe you wonder why I’m so overwhelmed all of the time.

Everything about anxiety is hard to understand—I pray you never do.

I wish you weren’t along for the bumpy ride as I learn to navigate it but I promise: I WILL GET THROUGH IT. Even if it takes time.

Someday, there will be more good moments than bad. We’ll laugh like we used to and play games and bake cookies and dance across the living room floor. I’ll smile all the way from my lips to my eyes.

You’ll get the best of me again.

But for now, thank you for your patience.
Thank you for standing by me.
Thank you for loving me always.

My heart is yours forever, little one. This life we share? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not ever.

We’ll get through this tough season together. We’ll step into tomorrow hand-in-hand—but if it’s OK, I might need some extra grace along the way.

I’m so sorry, honey, but mommy has anxiety.

You may also like:

My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like I Fail Over and Over

There’s a Monster Lurking in the Quiet Shadows of Motherhood

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Casey Huff

Casey is Creative Director for Her View From Home. She's mom to three amazing kiddos and wife to a great guy. It's her mission as a writer to shed light on the beauty and chaos of life through the lenses of motherhood, marriage, and mental health. To read more, go hang out with Casey at: Facebook: Casey Huff Instagram: @casey.e.huff

You Came between Us

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Toddler between mom and dad under sheet

Right in the middle of our deepest love, you came—just between us. A silent, unseen surprise. A mysterious miracle of incarnated love and joy. From that sacred moment that we couldn’t imagine being any sweeter, came you. Sometime in the middle of all the daily goodbye hugs, my stomach began to grow and you came between us. This beautiful bundle of life blossoming right inside of me. And we were in awe of every single tiny formation of you. In awe of who you were, excited by who you’d be, in awe that you were ours. You came between us...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

I’m a Mom Who Reads and is Raising Readers

In: Living, Motherhood
Mom with infant daughter on bed, reading a book, color photo

Since childhood, I’ve been lost in a world of books. My first true memory of falling in love with a book was when my mom read aloud Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. With each voice she used, I fell deep into the world of imagination, and I’ve never seemed to come up for air. My reading journey has ebbed and flowed as my life has gone through different seasons, but I’ve always seemed to carry a book with me wherever I went. When I entered motherhood and gave my whole life over to my kids, I needed something that...

Keep Reading

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

I Look Forward to the End of a Work Day for a Whole New Reason Now

In: Motherhood
Dad hugs toddler at home

Those minutes matter. Whether it’s 5 or 15, every single second of them counts. Unless you’ve been there, it’s impossible to explain. I’m not sure there are any words that could really create the right picture. But believe me when I say those minutes count. I’m talking about those final minutes leading up to that door opening and some form of relief being on the other side. Those minutes you never thought would come. Those minutes mean you made it through another day, and there is (possibly) some relief in sight. This is a new experience I wasn’t quite ready...

Keep Reading

I Didn’t Know How Much I Needed Other Mothers

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Two mom friends smiling at each other

I read somewhere the other day that when a child is born, a parent is too. In my first few months being a mother, I’m learning just how odd that sentiment is. In an instant, I became someone new. Not only that, but I became part of a group I didn’t realize existed. That sounds wrong. Of course, mothers existed. But this community of mothers? I had no idea. It took us a long time to get where we are today. Throughout our journey with infertility, I knew in my heart I was meant to be a mother. I knew that...

Keep Reading

5 Things Your Child’s Kindergarten Teacher Wants You To Know

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child raising hand in kindergarten class

I am a teacher. I have committed my life to teaching children. Of course, before I began this career, I had visions of standing in front of a group of eager-eyed children and elaborating on history, science, and math lessons. I couldn’t wait to see the “lightbulb” moments when students finally understood a reading passage or wrote their first paper. And then I had my first day. Children are not cut out of a textbook (shocking, I know) but as a young 23-year-old, it knocked me right off my feet. I was thrown into the lion’s den, better known as...

Keep Reading

I Wasn’t Sure You’d Be Here To Hold

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother with newborn baby on her chest in hospital bed

I stood naked in my parents’ bathroom. Even with the tub filling, I could hear my family chattering behind the door. I longed to be with them, not hiding alone with my seven-month round belly, sleep-deprived, and covered in pox-like marks. For three weeks, I’d tried Benadryl, lotions, and other suggested remedies to cure the strange rash spreading over my body. No luck. By Christmas Day, my life had been reduced to survival. Day and night, I tried to resist itching, but gave in, especially in my sleep. At 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m., the feeling of fire ants...

Keep Reading

To My Wife: I See Your Sacrifice

In: Marriage, Motherhood
Family of 3 sitting on floor together at home

Selfless. No other word more clearly depicts your commitment to your family. Motherhood is drastically different than you dreamed of your whole life—the dreams of what sort of mama you would be, of how much you would enjoy being a mother even on the tough days. Since day one of our relationship, you’ve been selfless. Since day one of being a mama, you’ve been selfless. Your love for your family shines through on the brightest and darkest days. But on the dark days, it shines the brightest. I can’t count the hours of sleep sacrificed, the tears cried, the time...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading