Kids Motherhood

The Bedtime Hoops: 4 Important Questions to Ask Your Kids Every Night

Written by Christine Leeb

I love my kids, but by bedtime, I’m just exhausted.  At 8pm, my patience shuts off.  It’s like I have some sort of glitch in my mommy code, or maybe I just missed the patience upgrade with each kid or something? 

So when I have to jump through so many drinks-of-water hoops, tickle hoops, tuck-in hoops, bedtime-song hoops, pee-pee hoops, and brush-your-freaking-teeth-already hoops, I feel that if they don’t get away from me as soon as possible, I’m going to jump through the I’ve-lost-my-mind hoop and escape into a dimension where only brownies, beaches, and books exist.

But that’s not reality! (Oh how I wish it was sometimes though—minus the losing my mind hoop).    The reality is that motherhood doesn’t stop at 8pm.  And even though some of the hoops I jump through annoy me, there are four hoops that I would never miss jumping through no matter how tired or impatient I feel…The 4-Questions Hoops. 

I started asking my kids these four questions every night and it has changed our relationship.  It has brought us closer.  It has created a more positive shift in their focus throughout their day and in mine. 

  1. What was your favorite part about your day?  This question allows us to jump through the hoop of positivity together.  It helps my children focus on the best parts of their day, and gives us another opportunity to reflect on them, laugh even more about them, and find joy in those special moments one more time before they close their eyes.
  2. What was your least favorite part about your day?  This question allows us to jump through the hoop of reality together.  No one is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes, so it’s great to have the opportunity to be real and talk about those things in their day that didn’t go well—bad choices, disrespect, being irresponsible.  This question has allowed for me to model unconditional love and has given me many second-chance teachable moments.  Even if I lost my temper the first time around, I have one more chance to walk them through what they should have done differently.  It’s great for kids to be reminded that tomorrow is a new day to try again.
  3. Do you have any questions about your day? This question allows us to jump through the honesty hoop together.  It establishes a habit of always letting them know that they can ask me anything and can trust me to listen and love.  It shows them that I’m a “safe” person who isn’t going to judge or get angry or be upset if they want to talk about the tough stuff. 
  4. How did you show kindness or love today? This question allows us to jump through the integrity hoop together.  It encourages them to be kind and loving to others even when no one is watching.  It is the most powerful, life-changing question I have asked!  My kids have learned just how simple it is and how capable they are of showing kindness or love every single day.  When I first started asking this question, my eight year old had trouble coming up with an answer, so I would step in to tell what I saw him do–he was thoughtful to take his plate to the sink, he played with his sister nicely, he gave his little brother a turn with his squirt gun, he washed his hands the first time I asked him to.  Creating an awareness of the little ways that he can show kindness and love has empowered him to do even more.  Plus, I find myself looking for those positive things that each child does throughout the day so I can share it with them that night.  They love hearing all the great things they’ve done.  Kindness and love…this is the focus I want my kids to have throughout their day! 

The 4-Questions hoops have helped me learn more about my kids: baseball game play-by-plays, storm fears, favorite colors and movies. But I have also taught more to my kids:  answering questions about abortion, smoking, appreciating the differences in others and I’ll never forget the night we cried together about a little boy in a wheel chair.

Because of jumping through the 4-Questions hoops of positivity, reality, honesty, and integrity every night, I have laughed louder, cried more, snuggled closer, and taught lessons about life that I would not have had the opportunity to do in the busyness of the day.  Dear mom, at bedtime, won’t you join me in fixing that glitch in your mommy code, upgrading your patience level, bending your knees, and jumping through these four extra hoops with me every night too?  I promise that these are the hoops you will never regret jumping through for your kids.

Read This Next: 50 Questions To Ask Your Kids Instead Of Asking “How Was Your Day”

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It's so easy for us to allow our days to pass by - with all the demands of motherhood, we have so many hoops to jump through each day. These 4 questions to ask can make such a different to your relationship with your kids. Try them out tonight and save for later.

About the author

Christine Leeb

Christine Leeb–Speaker and Christian Family Coach specializing in Parenting and Child Discipline.  Founder of Real Life Families–a non-profit organization building better families through free classes and resources.  Mother to three awesome (and exhausting) children from whom she shamefully hides brownies.  Wife to one patient (and polar-opposite) husband with whom she constantly quotes “Friends”. 


  • I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who is DONE by 8pm! I love the tangible way you give moms to make those last moments of the day meaningful instead of monstrous! The other day I asked my oldest (11) why I had to get mad before he’d actually GO TO BED. Now I can see that he was just craving connection and that if I’d stop coping and and connect with him it would be much easier for him to wind down at the end of the day. so Thank You!!!

    • You are so welcome! Oh yes. I hear you loud and clear about the 8pm thing. But what you wrote made me cry because you’re so right–he truly is just calling out for some attention. I can’t wait for you to try these questions and see how it goes and more importantly I can’t wait for you to see how close that you will grow to your son because you chose to take a few minutes to jump through these hoops at night!

  • I love these questions! my son doesn’t often say much and this will be great to try and get more out of him. I especially love number 4 (showing kindness and love each day)…… hmm I think I should ask MYSELF this question too!

    • Clare–I’ve heard many moms share that their kids have started talking to them more because of these questions. At first my son really struggled to share, so I shared more about my day with him, but as he got older and more used to it, he has started to open up more. It’s not every night that he wants to talk, but it’s at least more than if I didn’t ask him at all! And my daughter LOVES to talk about her day! Oh and right? I want to ask myself that kindness and love question every night too! God bless!

  • I realize more and more as I get older all the connection that was missing for me as a kid. Parents have to daily prove to their kids the connection between them is real, solid and respectful. Thanks for the great little lessons, keeping them alive is not enough, you gotta teach kids how to feel and how to deal with the feels. And how to express all this. I grew up being told children should be seen and not heard, and the only connection I had to my mom was punishment for acting out due to neglect. It is refreshing to read how some parents these days value LISTENING to their kids. You rock!