When I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were a girl. I could feel it in my bones. Mother’s intuition starts at conception, I guess. But, there was the back and forth dance of what if you’re a boy. What if I wanted you to be a boy? What if I needed it?
When the ultrasound confirmed what I felt in my gut, my heart sank. It had nothing to do with you, nothing whatsoever. It had everything to do with me.
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I didn’t grow up with the best mother-daughter relationship. Getting the confirmation that you were going to enter my life making me the mother of a daughter scared me to death. It still does sometimes.
I don’t exactly have a clear path as to how to navigate the winding road of a lifelong, female, family tie.
I see all the ways I don’t want to be a mom. I see all the things I want to do differently, better, and maybe worse, too. I have learned enough over the years to understand this bond can be broken easily, and that’s not something I ever want to do to you.
I know I want to build you up and never tear you down. I know I want you to be able to confide in me and not live in fear of me. I want to be able to be a mentor and friend to you. I want to be the person you call when things go wrong. I want to lend a listening ear and not spew a mouthful of spite in your direction.
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As you grow, I am learning. I am watching. I am finding within myself a bravery I didn’t know was there.
I want to be better for you. I want to be better because of you.
I knew you were my daughter before I ever held you in my arms. I’m sorry I ever questioned that. You deserved more certainty.
Daughter, I promise to be the mom you deserve, even though I didn’t have the best example to learn from.
Maybe that’s how the world changes? You live and you learn. You grow when you have to.
You helped heal me. Now I feel like I’ve come full circle.
If you have a daughter one day, I pray you find peace in our mother-daughter relationship. I hope you can look to it and build upon it instead of wanting to tear it down and start over.
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Holding you now, I know you will be even better than me someday. I hope you know I want that for you. I’ll always be cheering you on.