I’ve written several times about how divorce has allowed me to find myself again, and how that version is even better than the one I was before I was married.
All of that is still true. I am happier than I’ve ever been. More confident and sure of myself. I understand my emotions and how to handle myself when things get tough or scary. I am more grounded and calm than I’ve ever been. Truly, I have come out on top.
I’ve received comments about how happy I look, how I’m “living my best life with kids only half the time,” and so on.
But all of this came with a cost I still struggle with.
I only see my kids 50 percent of the time. When all I ever wanted in life was to be a mom, that hurts.
You may see me out on my “off weeks” with friends, on vacation, or just living life, but I never stop thinking about my kids. I always wonder if they’re okay.
The thoughts are constant:
Are they okay?
Do they need me right now?
What if I miss something important?
Will they be upset I did this without them?
How do I make up for time I’m not there?
I know their dad is a capable parent, and they have a stepmom who loves them deeply. I am grateful for that. But I am still their mom, and that worry never fully turns off.
This 50/50 custody arrangement has taught me how to balance loving them fiercely while learning to release some control over what I can’t be present for. This entire journey, divorce, healing, and single motherhood, has been about rebuilding myself and adapting to whatever life throws at us.
I’ve learned how to be happy again. I’ve learned how to rebuild myself.
But learning how to be away from them is still the hardest part.
Originally published on the author’s blog
by Katie Revai LeFevre 
