By Katie Revai LeFevre 
I’m a year and a half into my still-husband filing for a divorce I didn’t see coming (but probably should have), and I’m here to say: hindsight doesn’t yield perfect vision, but it does bring clarity. While that clarity might not always make perfect sense, it does make processing it all a bit more tangible.
Here are 10 things I wish I knew before my marriage ended–abruptly and unilaterally.
- Effort should feel mutual, not one-sided and minimal. The handmade birthday weekend itineraries year after year, the endless putting-him-on-a-pedestal, the desperate asks to go out on actual dates, the late-night research to find the perfect little Gulfside Florida beach town to vacation to…you can try and try and give and give, but at some point, pulling the weight needs balance. You shouldn’t have to ask to be appreciated and loved in an original way.
- Boundaries will become a survival tool. Get comfortable with them now. When your marriage and life as you know it crumble before your eyes with no warning, you realize that you and only you are responsible for looking out for yourself. Boundaries aren’t something to feel guilty about–they’re necessary. Protecting your own peace becomes a must when you realize you can’t necessarily trust the one person who vowed to look out for you through it all.
- Someone can say all the right things and still blindside you. One ordinary summer month, you might be on cloud nine during a seemingly perfect family trip to Disney World–smiling for the camera and all–talking about trying for a third baby come fall. The next month, you might just find out it’s over. That he wants nothing to do with fighting for everything you’ve built together. You never really know what’s coming, and talk can be cheap. It’s important to be aware of that reality. Being strung along stings.
- No matter how many times you say you’ll never let it happen to you, you can’t control what the other person in the marriage decides to do. Life doesn’t always end up looking the way you think it will. You can’t necessarily control the outcome. Not everyone values the same things as you–or even the very things they swear they do. You can’t stop him from deciding it’s all worth walking away from–and it’s not your job to.
- You are stronger than you know. Truly. It might seem impossible at first, but you’ll figure it out…day by day, step by step. You’ll wonder how to go from being a stay-at-home mom to a single mother with two very young children, thrown from the very house you made a home together. Navigating a job market that doesn’t prioritize those of us who’ve been out of the workforce long-term, and a system that isn’t set up to support women and children. You’ll wonder how you’ll continue to give around-the-clock childcare while starting over, waiting for child support to be enforced, and piecing it all together. But none of this will break you. You’re going to make it through.
- You deserve to feel chosen…not tolerated. Falling asleep crying while the person beside you drifts off unbothered isn’t normal. Asking for affection and being met with a side-hug and a “come on, I have to get stuff done” isn’t, either. You deserve someone who says they’ll stay and means it…someone strong enough to work through real-life challenges and changing seasons. Not someone who has already proven they have no problem walking back on promises.
- Love and stability are not the same. Having a roof over your head and filling those four walls with holiday magic and your babies’ milestones doesn’t mean you’ll get to stay. Attending work events as a party of two doesn’t mean there isn’t a third party hiding in the background, ready to step into what was never hers to begin with. Checking all the boxes on paper doesn’t equate to the American dream. A paycheck alone isn’t enough–and you deserve more than enough. You deserve actual, pure, honest love.
- Normalizing things that aren’t normal won’t ever end well. For example, taking his word that the Instagram likes are “nothing”–when you know darn well they are, indeed, something–will hurt you more the longer you turn a blind eye to it. Waking up alone at midnight–with two babies fast asleep and no partner in sight (just to be told he “went to the gym” because he “couldn’t sleep”)–can only go on for so long before the wheels start to spin. Prolonging the inevitable won’t help you long-term. Run like hell the second the wheels start to spin.
- People will misunderstand you…and that’s okay. His girlfriend, his family, even his legal counsel…they’ll all be against you without even knowing you. Deep down, though, you’ll know they know the truth. People will pretend to misunderstand you to avoid accountability for the very things they enabled him to put you through…that’s their error. You don’t have to let the weight of it fall on you.
- Confusion is a form of clarity. You may never understand why or how this happened. You may never receive any sort of accountability–not even a mere apology. You’ll be confused and won’t see clearly, but the fog will lift. In hindsight, you’ll gain clarity. You’ll be grateful you don’t understand. In the end, none of it was anything more than a calculated plan. And that’s hard to fathom when you thought it all might have actually once mattered. But the truth will set you free–and you’ll be so much better off without him.
As I work through the ins and outs of this seemingly never-ending divorce process while actively processing the fallout of the marriage I built my life around, I only wish I could go back and wrap my old self in warmth and love. I couldn’t have seen any of this coming, but over time, I’m seeing so much more clearly. If you’re in the beginning stages of your marriage ending, hear me out: there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me…keep going.
by Traci Rhoades 
by Mary Ann Blair 
by Cathy McCoy Collier 
