Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

I love you with all my being, but if I’m being completely honest, I don’t enjoy being stuck in this moment with you. 

If you’re reading this and think I’m a horrible mother for saying that, please, just give me the benefit of the doubt. 

If eight-years-ago me would have heard someone say that, I just may have thought the same thing. Clearly, I wouldn’t have known any better. 

Eight years ago when I got pregnant with my first, I never would have imagined uttering these words. 

I love you, but I have no more patience for you. 

If you would have told me I would be filled with rage eight years later, I would have brushed it off and called your bluff. I would have assumed you’re just not doing parenthood right.

I never imagined myself sitting and watching my children in admiration and agitation, simultaneously. 

I never imagined myself thinking, what did I get myself into

But I guess that’s what three children and eight years did to me.

I guess that’s what happens to you when you have to repeat every simple instruction 10,000 times a day. 

It’s probably what happens when you’re stuck at the door waiting for them to put their shoes on for what seems like an eternity.

RELATED: When You’re in the Thick of Motherhood, Sometimes it’s Hard To See the Beauty

Or when you’re in the car begging them to stop fighting with one another. 

Or when you’re praying the tantrum doesn’t happen in the middle of the grocery store.

Maybe that’s what happens when motherhood just pushes you to the edge.

I’m hanging on for dear life, but I’m slowly losing my grip.

It’s an intense river of emotions that cannot seem to be contained. It has me feeling as though I’m a volcano ready to erupt at any given moment when I’m constantly repeating myself like a broken record. 

But then somewhere during the chaos, I’ll catch a glimpse of my daughter’s little dimples and become instantly mesmerized at this perfect human I created. 

So I find myself torn between love and irritation. 

I find myself wallowing in mom guilt and telling myself I’m not cut out for this. That I’m not good enough. 

This is not the life I wanted. 

I think to myself, how is it possible for me to love these little humans more than words can explain, yet simultaneously become so infuriated with them for screaming so loud and making my eardrums pop? 

Am I normal? 

Does every mother feel this rage? 

Am I a bad mom? 

Should I have never had kids? 

Am I’m scarring my kids for life when I lose my cool? 

No, I don’t believe I am. 

RELATED: Motherhood is the Marathon I Didn’t Train For

In the early stages of parenthood, it’s all cuddles and marvel over this perfect child of yours. Regardless of the sleepless nights, it’s as if you’re on a love-high. Drunken with attachment to this sweet being you’ve created. 

But the middle stagethe stage that welcomes the ragethat’s where you get tipsy.

That’s where I feel that time has stood still. That’s where I begin to question myself based on my feelings towards my littles. 

How hard can it be to tidy up your toys?

Why do you have to fight over this piece of LEGO when there are 10 more of the same one?

Do you have to get that dirty when you eat?

I ask myself questions that only make me angrier. And it’s so, so easy to get sucked into the world of pity and wallowingit’s a dark hole that will keep taking whatever you’re giving. It will pull you in and consume you. 

I love you, but you’re driving me crazy. 

This middle stage I’m stuck in, where they’re not so little but not so big, it’s tearing me apart. It’s showing me a person I never thought I could be. 

It’s showing me that I’m the mother I probably would have judged eight years ago.

A mother who counts down until bedtime.

But it can’t be like this forever, and I know I can’t be alone in this. I’m eagerly fighting through, trying to make it to the other side with some sanity left in me. 

RELATED: Motherhood is My Greatest Joy—But It’s Still Hard

Trying to pass the stage of missing shoes, mismatched socks, smeared food on the countertops, and spilled milk.

These are the tiresome phases of parenthoodthe ones we feel ashamed to talk about. But the real ones, and the ones we really should talk about. 

It’s not all fun and games, and it’s not all picture-perfect. It’s anger and frustration you never thought you would have toward the littles who you love more than life itself. It’s real. 

And it’s normal to have these feelings. It’s normal to struggle in these stages. It’s normal to feel like you’re lacking. 

Because you’re human. 

I know this because after all the rage I bottle up during the very long days with my children, when I put my head down at night, all I can think about are the little victories.

The little moments where my eldest hugged his little sister. 

The moments when they got along for .5 seconds. 

The moment when my son told me this was the best day ever after going on a play date. 

Even though I may have yelled. Even though I was very impatient. Even though I may have seen it as the worst day, these innocent children have a way of shining positivity when you need it most. 

So if you’re a mother who is struggling with these difficult emotions, give yourself some grace. It’s hard. 

It’s so very hard. 

And if you’re on the outside watching, don’t judge. It truly takes a team. 

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Suka Nasrallah

Suka is an author residing in Windsor, Ontario with her husband and three children. She is committed to empowering others through sharing her raw and honest opinions, experiences and insights. Aside from writing she loves to draw and finds inspiration for both her art and her words in the most simple elements of life that surround her like the colour of the autumn leaves and a long drive listening to her favorite tunes. She has been published on multiple large social media platforms and has gone viral for her famous piece “67 times”. She was also a nominee for the IRIS awards in 2 categories, September 2021.

To the Fifth Grade Parents: Thank You

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Arcade style photo machine, color photo

To the fifth-grade parents in my community: How are we here already? The end of fifth grade. The end of elementary school. It feels like yesterday we saw each other at kindergarten drop off, some of us through the tears of sending our first baby to school, some seasoned pros, and a small group of us with a touch of extra worry in our mama hearts—the special ed mamas. Among the many things I worried about sending my kindergarten son to school was how your children would treat him. Would they laugh at him like they did at his Montessori...

Keep Reading

Right Now I’m a Mom Who’s Not Ready to Let Go

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and daughter hugging, color photo

We’re doing it. We’re applying, touring, and submitting pre-school applications. It feels a lot like my college application days, and there’s this image in my mind of how fast that day will come with my sweet girl once she enters the school doors. It’s a bizarre place to be because if I’m honest, I know it’s time to let her go, but my heart is screaming, “I’m not ready yet!” She’s four now though. Four years have flown by, and I don’t know how it happened. She can put her own clothes on and take herself to the bathroom. She...

Keep Reading

Your Youngest Child Will Always Be Your Baby

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

The baby of our family is no longer a baby.  She turned five this year. She talks a mile a minute, rides her scooter on one leg with no hands, and is learning to read. She’s sweet and creative and has the best sense of humor that makes me belly laugh daily. She has long, strong legs, and her round toddler cheeks have morphed into something more mature. All remnants of babyhood and toddlerhood have long since gone from her. She is all little girl—a kid with the world at her fingertips, ready to explore everything life has to offer. I watch in wonder...

Keep Reading

I’m a Helicopter Mom Learning to Become the Place They Can Land

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and child

My daughter places a paper in front of me on the kitchen counter, looking up at me expectedly. My eyebrows lift in question before reaching down to pick up the wrinkled sheet. Next to an empty line awaiting my check mark reads: My child has my permission to attend the field trip. The child is my kindergartener. The field trip is on a school bus. The school bus will travel into the city. Over an hour away. Without me. Two steps to my left sits a pink and yellow backpack. Next to it, a sequined lunchbox. The lunchbox is making...

Keep Reading

Six Feels So Much Bigger

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Little girl with horse, color photo

Six . . . Six is only one number more than five,  one grade, one year . . . but it feels so different. Five is baby teeth and new beginnings. Five is venturing out into the world, maybe making a friend. Meeting a teacher. Learning to ride a bike. Six took my breath away. Six looks like a loose front tooth—tiny and wiggly, soon to be replaced by a big tooth, one that will stay forever. Six looks like a bright purple bike zooming down the driveway. RELATED: When There Are No More Little Girls’ Clothes Six looks like playing...

Keep Reading

You Were Meant to Be Our Oldest

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Brother holding little sister on back

Dear oldest child, Thanks for taking one for the team. You’ve probably thought by now that Dad and I really have no idea what we are doing. You’re not wrong. Please don’t misunderstand, we have goals and ambitions as parents. We’re trying to raise you to be a healthy, positive, and contributing part of society. But you are—and have always been—our guinea pig. You are the test subject to this whole parenting thing. Each new phase you encounter brings another new phase of learning and growth. Unfortunately, with that comes growing pains, and you often take the brunt of those....

Keep Reading

The Bittersweet Reality of Your Baby Turning 5 Years Old

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Little girl lying on living room floor, color photo

Those first five. Those precious first five years have flown by. I blinked and here we are. I look back and think about all the times I wanted these days to go by faster. The times I couldn’t wait to get to bedtime. The days I wasted being irritable and angry because sometimes being a mom is just too hard. But now? Now, I wish I could have slowed it all down. Savored it a little longer. A little harder. That beautiful wild child who fought like hell from the moment she was born has been burning that fire ever...

Keep Reading

The Petrified-Squished-Spider Stage of Motherhood

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Bug squashed on windshield, color photo

There is a squished spider corpse dangling from the inside of my car windshield. I don’t know how long it has been there. Not because I don’t know when the time of death took place, but because I’ve lost track of the number of days it’s been a fellow passenger of ours. The burial service is past due. And a cleaning of my vehicle is so long overdue, if it were a library book I’d be banned from the library by now. When my husband removed his hat one evening while driving and used it as a spider swatter, he...

Keep Reading

Listen to Their Endless Chatter Now So They’ll Talk to You as Tweens and Teens

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Mother and young daughter talking on the couch

I’m a talker. I’m a spill-the-beans, over-sharing, rambling on about my latest fascination chatterbox. I love words, and so do my kids. I’ve spent over a decade listening to my kids share—often, as they all talk at once. They go on and on about their day, rambling about how their sibling has been driving them nuts, their shenanigans with their friends, and never-ending factoids about video games. So many words, so many significant and yet simple thoughts brought to life in our bustling conversations.  Sometimes I love all the chatter, and sometimes the sheer volume of it drives me to...

Keep Reading

Dear Kindergarten Graduate, My Hand Will Always Be Yours to Hold

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Tomorrow you’ll graduate kindergarten. You chose the perfect shirt for the occasion. It’s a blue and white button-up. “Get one with big checkers, Mom, not little ones,” was your request. I know it’ll make your eyes pop from under your too-big red graduation hat. It’s going to be adorable. You’re going to be adorable.  You’ve been counting down the days. You’re ready and, truthfully, I am too—even though I’m so often in denial about how quickly this time with you is passing. Didn’t you just start crawling? How is it possible you’ll already be in first grade next year? RELATED:...

Keep Reading