Child Loss Faith Grief

The Storm of Losing a Child

Written by Missy Hillmer

This morning my alarm went off at 8 am then again at 8:30, 9 and finally at 9:30 I told myself I had to get out of bed. It was another dreary, windy and yucky day.

My positive mood becomes less and less when gray skies continue to block the sunshine. It is amazing how fast the weather can change my inner desire to be productive. You see, when I say productive it means having energy to do ANYTHING. I work hard on finding the good and looking at the positive each day. But just like that, gray clouds move in and my mood is changed. The last few months of winter are the worst for the dippy dos. I notice every little thing upsets me, the tears flow fast and easy, my mood is on a roller coaster ride and I find that I just want to go back to bed and wake up where I left off four-and-half years ago.

The storm that I am faced with is the storm of losing my son, Tyler. He was 15-years-old when he lost his life in a car accident a short distance from our house. When I think back to before Tyler’s accident, the cloudy days never affected me the way they do now. I remember Tyler telling me he loved those days. He said he liked listening to the soft, gentle rain or the raging storms with lighting and thunder. For Tyler, it was a calming and peaceful feeling. He really made me look at storms differently. However, now that he is gone, those days are sad reminders that he is no longer here.

Lord, help me to turn this storm that I have raging inside me and make it calm. I want to feel the same peace Tyler did when he heard the pitter-patter of the soft rain or the ruckus of the raging storm.

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I want to have the 110% trust in God like he did!

I have read countless books of others who are enduring far worse situations. Those families have pushed through the multiple storms and still stay afloat. I am very sure there were many times they wanted to give up when the storm jerked them in a different direction or threw a new twist to their plan. The common link that kept them afloat was their faith. I imagine they went through the same feelings I have of loss, sorrow and lack of motivation. But over and over again their faith kept them going no matter what the distractions or fears.

Just like others, my faith has played a big part in my life, especially after Tyler’s accident. However, like many others, the deepest, darkest moments are when my faith is challenged the most. The one constant thing in my life when everything else was in shambles was GOD. I keep praying that God will intervene when he knows it is time and calm the waters.

It is through Tyler’s sweet memories of how the gray, cloudy days brought a calm peaceful feeling to his soul that I will find the sunshine. It is with God’s help I will find safety and strength to trudge through my storm. I am reminded each day is in God’s hands. He has already made the decision to what days will be sunny, gloomy or partly cloudy. He has already decided what storm we will face and when. He will be the one to rescue us in times of trouble.

About the author

Missy Hillmer

My name is Missy Hillmer. I’m married, live in a small town named Palmer, NE and have 3 children. Jake is our oldest who is 19 years old and Gracie is 11 who lives here with us. Tyler which was 15 years on August 20, 2013 is now in Heaven. He was killed in a car accident just 3 short days after his 15th birthday.

I am very honest, very real sometimes to the point of not being fun, I guess that’s because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I like to look at the positive in every situation. I really believe there are two ways to look at things. Look for the bad or the good. The “bad” does me no justice and can spiral out of control in a heartbeat. The “good” however gives me hope and it connects with my belief that God is with me through everything.

I believe my faith has gotten me through life and especially since my son’s accident. I pray a lot more, watch for the signs that God gives me, listen to my inner gut feeling, as my husband calls it and really focus on living a simple life. Family means everything to me, I love to laugh and think it’s the best medicine for any problem. Music soothes my sole and being outside in the sun brings me great joy!

I have learned that many times you cannot control the storm in your life but, you can learn to dance in the rain. I really mean it when I say DANCE in the RAIN! The summer before Tyler’s accident, Tyler, Gracie & I danced in the rain. This memory I will never forget!

Since Tyler’s accident I am passionate about telling my story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person.